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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something happened last night and I really need some perspective.

49 replies

personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:44

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have one dc together. We have had ups and down but most of it is good.

Last night we were watching a film together. I was shattered and was falling asleep so went to bed. The next thing I know DP is next to me and he asked me to move over to him which I did half asleep because I thought he wanted a cuddle. I then fell back to sleep and woke up to DP touching me. I was so tired I scooted away but said nothing. Then as I was drifting in and out of sleep DP removed my knickers and tried to have sex with me. I again scooted away and nothing happened. Its really bothering me that he would do that to me whilst I was half asleep. I dont know if Im making a big deal out of it and I should just brush it off as DP trying to get some, or if its something to be concerned about. Im not very good at setting boundaries for the way people treat me so Im genuinely trying to get some perspective.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 23/07/2008 14:47

Does he know you mind him trying to do this?

You need to talk to him.

Personally, I don't think it's ok for someone to do this, unless you've already told him it's ok ...

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:49

He does know, I told him this morning but he said he didnt know I was asleep.

OP posts:
AnAngelWithin · 23/07/2008 14:49

hes a bloke. he was horny. you were asleep. My dh tries it on quite often. thinks he will get somewhere with me being sleepy! i just give him a slap and tell him to get lost if i'm really not up for it lol.

seriously though, has he ever done this before? have you spoken to him about it? if its upsetting you then you really do need to talk about it to him.

AnAngelWithin · 23/07/2008 14:50

sorry x-posts with NQC. did he back off or did he actually persist?

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:51

yes he back off but I felt like he was trying to do it without disturbing me iyswim.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 23/07/2008 14:52

Presumably you respond to his sexual overtures differently when you're actually awake?

wotnopulling · 23/07/2008 14:53

i'd have given him hell there and then. to me, this is not ok. why would anyone want to have sex with an unresponsive partner?! what's that about?
no, no, no. each to their own and all that but under my roof this would be a big deal (if serious - if a bit drunk and being daft that's another matter).

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:55

sorry NQC, I dont understand your question?

OP posts:
boozybird · 23/07/2008 14:55

i wouldn't like that either, it shows a lack of respect for your as a person, just because you've been together a few years doens't mean you're a bit of property that he can do what he wants with.

on the other hand, he didn't push it when you scooted away, so in his head he was probably just trying it on and you didn't want it.

if you can, maybe it would be a good idea to say, calmly, that you don't like to be woken up by him trying to have sex with you, would he mind not doing it please.

my db has a habit of grabbing my boob randomly - just walking up to me and rubbing my tits. not quite the same thing, i know, but i find it really offensive. not that i've managed to tell him that, mind you, i just huff and pull away.

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:56

Not under the influence of any sort (him or me)

OP posts:
Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:58

Thats the thing boozybird I feel like he was just trying to use my body for his pleasure like an object not a person.

He was strange after and asked me what I was thinking and asked for a cuddle like he was feeling guilty. This morning he trying to pretend that he didnt know which I dont believe.

OP posts:
DisenchantedPlusBump · 23/07/2008 14:59

DH does this because sometimes when I am 'awake' I'll say 'I'm too tired' 'the kids will wake up'ect ... but if Im half asleep in bed then he gets me in the mood whilst Im dozing and when I wake up fully I'll be really into it IYKWIM.

But thats me, if you feel uncomfortable with it you need to tell him!

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 15:02

The thing is I dont know if he was trying to turn me on to get me to have sex with him or he was trying to do it with out me taking part which is the part that bothers me. He has woken me up before for sex which if Im not too tired and in the mood I dont mind.

OP posts:
scootermum · 23/07/2008 15:08

My DH tried this last night also.Then got huffy when I woke up enough to say i was asleep (which by then I wasnt,but I was annoyed because had had a knackering day and becuase DH had been downstairs watching rubish TV for an hour before he came to bed).
I dont think of it a serious issue, more just total selfishness on DH's part really-if he wanted to have sex he shoud've come up to bed early and not prioritised golf coverage or whatever it was first-as long as he's not like it all the time it doesnt bother me.

I actually felt guilty about it as I was going back to sleep last night..dunno why..dont now.

NotQuiteCockney · 23/07/2008 15:12

personalsituation, I was being skeptical about his 'I didn't know you were asleep' defense - on the grounds that I bet you behave differently when you're asleep than when you're awake.

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 15:16

oh I see NQC well if Im not in the mood I usually behave similarly but I would say "Im tired/ dont even think about it".

Sorry to be graphic but I think the thing that is bothering me is the way he carefully pulled down my knickers just enough iyswim when usually he would take them off. Plus he usually moves my hand towards him which he didnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 15:17

and also his, what Im interpreting, as guilty behaviour after.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/07/2008 15:24

This is a tricky one. My DH tries it on sometimes when I'm half asleep but he would never consciously try to have sex with me if I wasn't awake (although we once woke up at the same time to find ourselves having sex...in the honeymoon stage lol)
Do you really think he was trying to have sex with you without you waking up? That's not ok. However, if he was attempting a sleepy seduction that's different.

DisenchantedPlusBump · 23/07/2008 15:25

Maybe he felt guilty and a bit daft for trying it on then you rejecting him?

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 15:31

possibly but what that doesnt explain the thing with the knickers.

OP posts:
DisenchantedPlusBump · 23/07/2008 15:35

So you think he was trying to abuse you?

Its very serious if you do feel that way

wannaBe · 23/07/2008 15:53

ask yourself this question:

In your heart of hearts, what do you think would have happened if you had actually been asleep and hadn't woken up? Because I think that your answer to that is crucial.

I imagine there isn't a dh in the world who hasn't tried it on at an inappropriate time and been rejected. The issue for me would be whether your dh would have stopped if you hadn't told him to, or would he have had sex with you even though you were asleep?

If you think he would, then tbh I would be seriously questioning the future of the relationship.

having a dh who tries it on at times when you're perhaps not interested is one thing, it's what dh's do. but having a dh who would be prepared to have sex with me while I was asleep would be a deal breaker for me I think. Someone who is prepared to do that clearly has no respect for their partner if they're prepared to use her just for their sexual gratification regardless of whether she is awake enough to consent.

theexmrsfederer · 23/07/2008 16:44

I think you are over-reacting. He is a bloke. If he has not tried to force you or abuse you in any other way I don't see a problem.

Perhaps he thought by being a bit sneaky, by the time you realised what was happening you would be horny and happy to carry on.

Are you seriously suggesting he would shag an unconscious woman?

Original poster
personalsituation · 23/07/2008 16:45

I dont know wannabe and disenchanted. I know if I had said "no" he would have stopped without a doubt, I do think he was, at the least, taking advantage of my tired state. He has never done anything like that before. He doesn't shout or call me names and has never done anything that is remotely abusive. I dont know how to deal with the situation.

OP posts:
2point4kids · 23/07/2008 16:52

Its perfectly normal!
He was trying to wake you up in a nice way for some loving.
My Dh often does it. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I roll away if I'm too tired. I'd never dream of considering that he was trying to have sex with me without me knowing by him doing this!
If your DH had seriously wanted you to stay asleep then why would he have spoken to you and asked to move over for a cuddle?
There must be some other serious doubts and issues in your relationship for you to think that he wanted you to stay asleep and for you to actually be considering that he would have sex with you unconscious...