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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something happened last night and I really need some perspective.

49 replies

personalsituation · 23/07/2008 14:44

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have one dc together. We have had ups and down but most of it is good.

Last night we were watching a film together. I was shattered and was falling asleep so went to bed. The next thing I know DP is next to me and he asked me to move over to him which I did half asleep because I thought he wanted a cuddle. I then fell back to sleep and woke up to DP touching me. I was so tired I scooted away but said nothing. Then as I was drifting in and out of sleep DP removed my knickers and tried to have sex with me. I again scooted away and nothing happened. Its really bothering me that he would do that to me whilst I was half asleep. I dont know if Im making a big deal out of it and I should just brush it off as DP trying to get some, or if its something to be concerned about. Im not very good at setting boundaries for the way people treat me so Im genuinely trying to get some perspective.

OP posts:

itati · 23/07/2008 16:55

It doesn't really matter what anyone else does or what normally happens. You were moving away to get away from his unwanted advances and he carried on.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He was out of order and he needs telling.

itati · 23/07/2008 16:56

If that is the case, 2point4, why was he being evasive this morning?

Original poster

personalsituation · 23/07/2008 17:01

I want to think the best of him because this is so out of character, but I feel really uneasy about the whole thing

OP posts:

theexmrsfederer · 23/07/2008 17:05

He is being evasive because he feels a teeny bit foolish, and if you carry on in this vein don't be surprised if he gets a teeny bit pissed off with you.

milknosugar · 23/07/2008 17:20

men love to be woken up with sex, personally i think sleepy sex is rather nice. i wouldnt think anything of this at all and i would assume he was being wierd this morning because he was embarassed. you need to speak to him, tbh i always find it a bit wierd that people dont discuss sex, its extremely important to know what your partner likes/dislikes/finds abusive. i bet if you asked him if he would like to be woken up with a bj he would say yes and i doubt he would class this as much different but you need to be very very clear about this to him

bubblagirl · 23/07/2008 17:28

i dont think he was trying to do anything untowards i think he was in the mood and trying it on dp has done this to me and i have to him also didnt realise he jhad actually dozed was still trying to well you know

and i have gone from saying i dont want to im tired to actually dropping off and he didnt realise and was still trying

thing is we used to both love tired sex but now being parents we feel sleep is more important he stopped so dont think he would of if it was him trying to take advantage

if you have no reason to distrust him i find it sad to think you would doubt him we do this often to each other when tired hoping to ignite some flame that went out when ds was born

i have in the past with an ex woke up to find him trying to insert himself and this was a regular accurance so new his intentions were not honest hense being an ex but with dp i have no reason to ever doubt him or him me

StarlightMcKenzie · 23/07/2008 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubblagirl · 23/07/2008 17:31

i would expect he feels weird and embarrassed as your reactions seem to be that you feel he was trying to take advantage

he knows he was in the mood and trying to be nice and trying to get you in your tired state in the mood and stopped when you said enough

ive never stopped on first stop nor dp as usually we relent and get in the mood but if i say no really stop he will

i'm wandering why you think it is more he probably feels slightly uncomfortable and silly for trying not guilty just uncomfortable

Original poster

personalsituation · 23/07/2008 17:33

maybe

OP posts:

scootermum · 23/07/2008 20:21

I agree with Bubblagirl..honestly..just speak to him about it..tell him you feel upset and see what he says..

theexmrsfederer · 23/07/2008 20:42

Have you served the divorce papers yet ?

itati · 23/07/2008 21:02

Don't be flippant.

theexmrsfederer · 23/07/2008 21:14

Is not flippant

Is sarcastic

BitOfFun · 23/07/2008 21:56

I wouldn't worry too much myself - me and my DP do it to each other a lot - nothing wrong with your partner thinking you're a sex object sometimes IMO! Seriously, if he treats you as a person during waking hours, I really don't see the harm in this kind of thing now and again. Sex, or "making love" is different between couples all the time, depends on the mood...if you had gone to bed blind drunk or something and woke up to the same scenario it would be different maybe, but this doesn't sound out of order to me, and if you make him squirm with embarrassment over it you risk losing some closeness, surely?

boozybird · 24/07/2008 11:54

if he has never done something that is remotely abusive, and he hasn't done anything like this before, i reckon he was just trying it on - i mean to be honest, he couldn't really have expected you to stay aspleep while he actually had sex with you, so he would have known you'd wake at some point. i think they just get a bit led by their desire and don't think about our emotions, it's just what they're often like and they need to be reminded to have a bit more respect. if it had happened the other way round, no doubt he would be over the moon!

what concerns me is that you are so suspicious about it, because if you had complete trust in him as a person i don't imagine that you would be. are there perhaps other issues between you and you're using this event as a vehicle to express how you feel about them (spot the woman in couples therapy!!!)?

Lemontart · 24/07/2008 12:09

I agree with the others saying that it really sounds rather innocent and nothing to get worried over. If he has never tried to push you into doing anything you don?t like, you are absolutely convinced he would stop immediately if you made it clear - then I would be mildly irritated but not make it inot a big issue. In his shoes I am not suprised he acted a little weird afterwards. Imagine it from his angle - a little frustrated and horny perhaps, sees you all relaxed and sleepy.. thinks he might be able to get you in the mood and more turned on.. doesn?t quite go to plan, feels a little silly and embarrassed at the rejection of his romeo romantic overtures. All sounds normal to me.
People misread signals even after decades of being together. He misread the situation with you and I imagine he will be a little more careful to look for the signals next time. Peronally would avoid having a big show down with him or making this into something much larger with a "discussion" about boundaries and so on. Cut him a little slack, and as long as he doesn?t continue to try it on while you are asleep I would forget and move on.
I have made this mistake with Dh now and again too - makes me so cross when I just think I might have woken him up nicely only to be brushed off. I would be horrified if he thought I was just trying to use his body!!! Just trying to be gently persuasive..

TattooedGrrrl · 24/07/2008 12:15

it sounds like you aren't very confident or forthright- is it possible that when you 'scooted' away, it wasn't obvious enough- perhaps he thought you were responding when you moved a bit? Personally i love sleepy sex, but i know if i wasn't awake, or i said no, DH would stop.

definately talk to him- explain how you feel without being too accusatory.

llareggub · 24/07/2008 12:18

My DH does this in his sleep sometimes, although not the knickers thing.

I think the key thing is how you feel about it. If you feel it inappropriate, then it probably was. How are things between you generally? Does he care about your satisfaction usually when you have sex?

I think this is a symptom of much bigger things. If DH did this to me, I'd either respond or tell him to bugger off, but I wouldn't think for a moment that it was inappropriate.

loopylou6 · 24/07/2008 14:12

if my dh did this to me he would either get it, or get a slap, it wouldnt bother me in the slightest, i would call him a filthy pervert and we would laugh about it.
However if you dh continues to do this, then it might not be so normal, but as a one off, dont give it a second thought.

madamez · 24/07/2008 14:20

I think the worrying thing is that you say you moved away twice yet he waited and then repeated the behaviour (if I am reading your post correctly). A longstanding partner who makes a move like this once (in the course of the night) and accepts a refusal is absolultely fine, making any kind of sexual advance is OK as long as you accept a 'no' when you get one, after all. But it does sound a little bit as though he was determined to get his own way no matter what you thought, and maybe you need to have a chat with him and say, look, I didn't like it, I moved away, why didn't you stop? To be fair-ish (because after all I wasn't in your bed watching) you may not have moved away as determinedly as you thought if you were half asleep, so he might claim he thought you were OK with it. Tell him that you prefer to be asked in future: if he's a nice bloke he will understand and behave himself.

ilovemydog · 24/07/2008 14:32

if it was me, I would be worried that perhaps I had slept through sex before!

Are you a bit creeped out by it all?

Bessie123 · 24/07/2008 15:00

He probably thought you would wake up for sex..? If he had been trying it with you passed out, that would be different, but you're not likely to sleep through sex, are you? It does sound annoying, though

skidoodle · 26/07/2008 21:43

Something happened last night that bothered you and made you feel objectified by your partner.

No matter how many people have had sleepy sex with their partner, your reaction to what happened last night is your own and I think it would be foolish to ignore what that little voice in your head is telling you.

You think he was "at the very least, taking advantage of my tired state"

So the least bad thing that happened last night is that he tried to take advantage of your when you were vulnerable. That's not OK.

As for "he's a man" being an excuse

I thought being a man was about being strong and responsible. An inability or unwillingness to control your sexual appetite is a mark of adolescence.

zwiggy · 26/07/2008 21:49

you need to talk to him, if you have been together 7 years, is it not easy to say ' your behaviour was a bit wierd wasn't it? were you trying to get with me without waking me up?

I don't understand why you are asking mn and not him?

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