Question about rough sex - is it ok or unhealthy?

[sexquery]

I promise I am not a troll...

I like rough sex, but I find that some men are a bit uneasy about it. Recently I've met someone who's happy to do it but I've heard it said that a man who enjoys being rough probably has violent tendencies and could therefore be dangerous.

What are your opinions?

jesus when will i learn to not click on things

well said madamez- always like your no nonsense approach even when disagree.

the most softly spoken gentle respectable educated professional (actuary) friend of mine transformed into the most dominant whip cracker ever (so I heard anyway) in his private life.

Oh thanks, my mind was saying 'ball crushing' - my dh is lighter than me at presnt and would have a job crushing me - lol!

Nothing wrong with it, rough sex, ball crushing or crushing of anything else, as long as it's consensual and stays within your own personal boundaries. If anyone you meet feels uneasy is that because their boundaries are not as well defined? Maybe they don't know how far they can go?

It's all a trust thing really isn't it? Rough can be exciting but only if it's because it feels passionate - rough as in wanting to hurt someone because that's what you get off on is imo not ok and there are issues

I had an unfortunate fling with a guy who left me badly scratched and bruised and I felt powerless as he was so much stronger than me I was a consenting adult - but I wish I hadn't been such a silly fool. There had been no indications before sex that he would be like this, he was seemingly gentle and loving.

No, dittany, I certainly didn't consent to that. I had though consented to an intimate expression of our feelings... for me, his form of expression was cruel. It all went so wrong.

It's gentle but firm hair pulling. It's not cat fight type hair pulling.

People get their rocks off in all kinds of ways.

The only problem comes when one party has power and control over another and absuing it.

Consenting adults, whatever freaky deeky thang you like. and on that scale rough sex is probably not that rare or freaky.

I'm interested that you have concerns about it being unhealthy however. Do you think its possible that he has violent tendancies at all? Is that why you asked? Or did you want a confirmation that what you heard is untrue?

every one is entitled to thier own tastes! i dont understand why people are disturbed by others sexual prefernces? if you dont like it dont do it!

i dont mind hair pulling, but have cut off all my hair so would be difficult atm, i dont mind scratching either. a bit of light spanking is fun at times when i in the mood. never tried crushing/hands around throat or teletubby sex but am young so there is still time

op if you are consenting and enjoying it there is nothing wrong with it just be gald that you have found some one with similar sexual tastes to yourself and enjoy it!

and as for worrying about 'normal' i have yet to meet this elusive person called 'normal' but they do sound very boring!

fucked up? hmm. weeeell possibly. But then I think this discussion needs to be broadened a bit then.

Is sex sometimes about power and control?
Is that true equally of both genders?
Can letting someone exercise power over you ever be a good/healthy/enjoyable thing?
Is rough sex more about something else? Maybe the stimulation of pain heightening the experience of pleasure?

I'm am out of my depth because I haven't experienced this but I think I understand that it could be both pleasurable and not misogynistic.

However, obv is in some cases.

Some people like power and control to feature in their sex lives: some like to hand over power to another, some like to have power over a partner. Among the SM devotees I have known over the years, I would say the majority are men who want to be dominated by women, and a lot of the men who are sexually dominant are polite, respectful and gentle outside the bedroom and have, in some cases, spent years agonising about their fantasies before finding out that there are other people who share them and stuff done between consenting adults, with prior discussion (to avoid nasty surprises such as Wabbit's experience) isn't wrong.
Certainly for some peoplle certain types of pain do enhance sexual pleasure, it's percieved more as intense stimulation and is quite a similar drive to the one which makes people want to bungee jump or climb mountains.
It's certainly true that a relationship with BDSM elements can be unhealthy, if one or both parties has an unhealthy attitude. But so can a 'normal' (ie sex only in bed, no toys or bondage or anything other than missionary position) relationship if one or both parties has an unhealthy attitude.

If you both enjoy it, and you're both consenting, it is perfectly ok. If DH and i had any energy at the moment (blardy kids), i wouldn't mind being chucked round the room a bit again And if you meet a partner who is initially a little reserved about participating, i'd take that as a positive tbh. It's when someone's launching themselves at you without discussing anything / checking if you're enjoying things / if you want to stop you should worry.

the sex in my previous relationship (and it was a long term relationship too) started off as teenage lust and then we both realised we enjoyed playing around with biting/bondage etc........i left him last year, for many reasons, but one of them was that our sex life was only about rough play. He couldn't just make love to me and it wasn't fulfilling, and in fact i reached a point where the thought of having sex with him was repulsive.
I have a new man now and we have slowly found a balance to our sex life. I've been lucky enough to find a man who likes the same things i do in the bedroom, and also a few things i've not tried before and am exploring. Before, i was definitely with a man who didn't connect emotion with sex........now i'm with a man who cannot separate the two things, and who talks to me about what we both want/need and says that if i'm not enjoying something he can't enjoy it either.
Whatever you like to do behind closed doors (let's not confine it to the bedroom eh )the most important thing is communication. Consenting to something is the important beginning but you need ongoing communication to ensure that you both still want and enjoy the same things.

my guess is that (some) men abuse their economic power much more than sexual power?

just wanted to jump in and say I LOVE rough sex, I like having hair pulled, being pinned to the bed, being crushed, being spanked and I even got one bloke to slap me across the face during sex which was fantastic! (yes, I am a wierdo)...some blokes not very comfortable with it..'but I can't hit a woman'..but usually get into it when they see how much I love it.

Agree that as long as they stop when you say, there's no danger involved.

I think i like it cos I'm quite a 'big' girl and love feeling dominated and made to feel vunerable.

Hello, I like the things you are describing too! Most men worry about doing it because they don't want to abuse you or go too far and do something you don't want. I think it is safest if you have been having 'normal' sex (so you know he can have normal sex and doesn't need violence and therefore is not a nutter) and if you have a trusting relationship first. Then you can discuss other things you like and do it if you both agree to it.

My DH was always conscious not to do anything I didn't want and gradually over time he has learnt what kinds of roughness and how much I like by how I respond. If I said stop, I know he would and that is really important.

In my case I worry a bit that I want this because I had an abusive past and my mind has linked sex with aggression from an early age (so it's me who is the 'nutter') but as long as I am not actually being abused now, and am fully consenting, I think it is ok.

Were your first experiences of sexual contact rough/abusive?

As a Catholic, sex has always been 'naughty' and I'd bet my last penny that there are more Catholics that feel that way than don't.

Yes, sometimes it is about power and control and I've always introduced a little light bondage into any long term relationship and it's been enjoyed by the man. I think it only becomes a 'problem' if you can only get a thrill from sex with the extra bits(biting/slapping etc)and not be able to change to a more sedate/ordinaire sexual experience and still enjoy it.
The scalp is covered in nerves and given the right stimulation any part of your body can be an erogonous zone.
As to hair pulling...my hair is not long now and anyway, my Dp of nearly 4 years(even when we did have sex)could never 'get it right', so it didn't work with him. He has no hair, so I can't pull his. He likes being bitten around the neck and shoulders(and no, you don't have to leave bite marks). It can be pleasant!
If you like it, do it. If you don't fancy trying it - don't. If you want to try something new then go for it. Be open minded, you might like it!

you ask if a bloke who likes rough sex has would be more likely to have violent tendancies.

Or do you think this particular person you are with might well have violent tendancies? Seeing as you say you never discussed it, perhaps you feel it is 'the norm' for him.

I like rough sex too and to be dominated. Don't think there is anything wrong with it tbh.

Arse slapping, hair pulling and general roughness all OK with me.

Surely this is the whole realm of BDSM?

I think as long as it's safely practised with safe words, codes and the utmost trust that when the word is said, it STOPS, amongst consenting adults - it's fine.

Some people (inc me) find some of it a bit strange, but I have good friends into this lifestyle - they are perfectly normal people.

Alt.com may be a site to ask about it further? It's for those into alternative (as opposed to "acceptible" vanilla) sex.

apologies for parrotting Madamez - I only read the OP!