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Original poster

What would you think if a man said this sort of thing?

29 replies

Flllight · 22/07/2008 19:05

Ok, probably things I don't want to hear...

But...I've known this chap about 5 or 6 years, since I was pregnant with first child. He was apparently very, very keen on me and I liked hanging out with him but was quite clear I was with Ds's father (who was not committed to me but I was blindly in love, ahem)

So...I had the baby, I dated another couple of blokes, this guy also got himself a girlfriend. She lives a long way away but they've been together about 3 years now.

I started to fall in love with him - sounds daft but I used to see him about and we'd chat, and it clicked that I really wanted to be with him now I was free. But he wasn't.

So we still talk now and again. Today I saw him, and he came over to speak to me. He said he hadn't been round because he would be in a 'dangerous' position if he did, and that I was his 'ideal' and how well we get on etc etc. (He knows I like him a lot but nothing happens, I don't try to initiate anything, I just like being friends so we speak maybe every 6 weeks or so).

We spoke about our lives for about 15 minutes, while my children were sleeping in the car, and then he had to go back to work. He said he would be round in an instant if he were no longer with anyone, and we kissed on the cheek as we usually do and he then asked me for a kiss on the lips. I am not sure why as he is still with this woman, and I made it clear while we were talking that I don't go for people who are already involved, so he knows nothing will happen.

I just don't really understand. We seem to have all this history but never actually got it together though we both think about each other a lot (or so he said - I know I do, which is pretty foolish to think about a bloke who is attached but it is purely fantasy).

When he wanted me I was attached and now it is the other way round.
Yes I would love to be with him and these little snatches of 'what if' always lift my morale slightly but in the cold light of evening I can see it makes no sense. If he wanted me he could have me and I think he knows this and is maybe just enjoying the adulation or something.

Silly post really...I think I know the answer.

OP posts:
Remotew · 22/07/2008 19:22

I didn't want to leave it unanswered. I think you need to play the waiting game. Hint that you may be available if he was free (which you may have already) and see if he becomes free soon. If not then you will have to put it down to bad timing and hopefully meet someone else to concentrate on.

nickytwotimes · 22/07/2008 19:26

Could the unavailability be part of the attraction?

NotQuiteCockney · 22/07/2008 19:28

Yeah, I think the unavailability could be part of the attraction, particularly on his part. You've got to wonder - if he broke up with his girlfriend, and moved in with you, then who would he be trying to kiss on the lips instead?

Original poster
Flllight · 22/07/2008 19:35

Thanks...that's a good question NQC. I never understand when someone likes someone but just doesn't want to do anything about it. I guess that means they don't like the person quite enough. Though I do often wonder if he is testing me, because I put him through a horrible time those years ago when he was on at me to go out with him and I wouldn't.

I have a sort of feeling that unless he kind of pays me back he would always feel resentful that I had other people's babies and then went out with him...iyswim. Screwed up thinking isn't it!

OP posts:
warthog · 22/07/2008 19:56

he was on at you to go out with him when you were with someone else.

he's with someone else and he keeps saying things like 'you're his ideal'.

i don't trust this guy.

surprise · 22/07/2008 20:06

This was a situation that DP and I were in for several years. Finally got it together, and have been a couple for 9 years now. So it can work. I was worried that it might be "wanting what you can't have syndrome" but it definitely wasn't! I hope things work out for you, whichever way.

Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 08:05

Thanks Surprise, that's nice to hear

Warthog - well, he didn't keep saying those things. I told him I really like him, months ago, and he was quite surprised I think - he hasn't said those things until yesterday though. I was afraid that still being friends was making him uncomfortable as he hadn't been round (that is good I think - he is loyal to his girlfriend, didn't want to give me false hope etc) but suddenly yesterday he was coming out with all that. So I'm not sure what to think. I'm not going to push it at all, it wouldn't be fair to her. He has the choice and I would hate to do anything to wreck their happy relationship so I think I maybe need to wait for him to make contact. I'd feel odd doing so now I know he likes me too. I prob shouldn't have admitted to him how I felt before but he is an old friend and it seemed strange not to.

OP posts:
nkf · 23/07/2008 08:07

He's a bullshitter.

Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 08:09

Do you think so? In what way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 08:11

Sorry I am a bit thick at this stuff, need it spelled out really

OP posts:
Podrick · 23/07/2008 08:14

Just tell him to give you a call if he ever splits with his girlfriend

nkf · 23/07/2008 09:48

In every way. Re-read your post. He's got a gilfriend but you're his ideal. That's bullshit. Sorry to be so blunt but why are you spending your time on this nonsense?

Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 10:11

Oh because I am sad and lonely and pretty desperate...

I did tell him to call if he is single again.
I doubt I'll hear anything. It's just an ego trip isn't it.

Thanks, I think I needed someone to be blunt.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 23/07/2008 10:17

I wouldn't call him a bullshitter, just someone with feelings for more than one person, it does happen.

Let him know he can call you if he ever splits with his girlfriend.

OverMyDeadBody · 23/07/2008 10:17

why is it nonsense nfk?

nkf · 23/07/2008 10:18

For him, it's an ego trip yes.
For you, it's more of a downer by the sounds of it. Head high and move on.

nkf · 23/07/2008 10:21

What's the point of it? This man has a girlfriend and likes to do a little flirting on the side. That's not worth a woman's time. That's why I call it nonsense.

Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 10:22

You're totally right. The only reason I am countenancing it at all is the history. Mind you that doesn't really make it much better.

I'm going out to buy some cake

Thanks OMDB...you are very gentle.

OP posts:
piratecat · 23/07/2008 10:23

Maybe she is his ideal, justb ecuase he is with someone else, and he has been with this person 3 yrs, and maybe thier relationship is now fizzling out.

He hasn't been pestering her, he went and got on with his stuff, met a girl etc...

They just get on and are attracted to one another. He is confused, and ok he should not have asked for a kiss, but he was testing the ground, in that crappy way only men know how.

You have told him to contactyou if he is ever single again. He had to know if you were still interested imo.

nkf · 23/07/2008 10:25

But is he hers? Because I reckon if you were to draw up a list of qualities an ideal man should have, "unattached" and "unambiguous" would be on it.

Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 10:28

It was strange, it wasn't a proper kiss, just a peck. I wouldn't have done anything else...learnt that lesson long ago!

Just weird that he asked - do you think it was testing the ground? I did get the impression he was actually thinking about finishing with her but no idea really. He is hard to read. I find a lot of men are hard to read...

OP posts:
nkf · 23/07/2008 10:30

I thought you were going to buy some cake. .

Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 10:31

It was really nice talking to him whatever. It wasn't all ego stroking, it was about lots of stuff, my children, his shed, (he is a mechanic) you know - all sorts. Whether we like travelling or not. (we don't)

It felt like he was more open than usual.
I'll try not to dwell on it too much though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flllight · 23/07/2008 10:31

Yes I really am going now.

OP posts:
Lazycow · 23/07/2008 10:33

Well I'm not sure if he is a bullshitter or not but he probably does have feelings for you and for his girlfriend too.

He may be worried that you are suffering a bit from 'fancying the unavailable' syndrome and that as soon as he is free you may change your mind.

Also to be blunt you already have children by someone else. If his current girlfriend doesn't then he may be worried about all the difficulties that involves.

None of this makes him a bullshitter just a normal person who is probably confused. However it is NOT your job to unconfuse him.

All you can be is be really clear and honest about your feelings both with yourself and with him.

Do you really want to start a relationship with him that is more than just friendship?

If you do I think making that clear to him is fine and also saying that you are willing to give him some time but then you need to back off and wait.

I'd set some sort of time limit on the waiting though as if he decides to stay with his girlfriend, or more likely he fails to make a clear decision you will need to move on.