When people don't realise they're annoying

[MrsSnape]

I feel so sorry for my mum. She fell in love with the film "sound of music" when she was little and has wanted to go to Austria (where it was filmed) for years. So last year my auntie suggested that the two of them go for a year. My mum was so excited, it was a dream come true for her.

Anyway they came back yesterday and I've just gotten off the phone with her. She told me that although she enjoyed it and is glad she went, my auntie was really mean to her, snappy at her every 5 minutes and being quite nasty. One night my mum said she cried herself to sleep. I feel so sad for her BUT I can sort of imagine the situations in which my aunt snapped and I feel awful for it.

My mum just doesn't realise how annoying she can be. She nags constantly "what time are we going there?" "what time does that start?" "where are we going next?" "where did you say we were going next? (repeat 3 times)" "where are we going now?" etc etc and it really is constant. Not only that but she faffs so much with stuff, she got a digital camera for christmas and still doesn't know how to work it. Instead of just sitting down with it one night to work it out, she takes it places she will need it and then stands there saying "oh it won't work?" "how do I do it?" "what does this mean?" "why is it doing that?" every 5 minutes. This caused me to snap quite badly at a recent karate tournament my son was is as she was expecting me to prat around with her camera when my son was fighting.

And then there's her hearing. She's almost deaf in one ear but refuses to wear a hearing aid so she's constantly asking people to repeat themselves. On this holiday she said there were a few occasions where my aunt was laughing and joking with other hotel guests and my mum was laughing along, 5 minutes later my mum asks my aunt "what did she say?" and wonders why my aunt got irritated and snapped "I don't know".

I do really feel for her being so upset but I know what I'm like after 2 hours of shopping with her so I can imagine how irritable my aunt had become (search for a recent thread of mine regarding DSs karate tournament for a big example of how she can frustrate you to the point of snapping).

I once went to lego land with her (during summer hols so was expecting it to be packed) and BEFORE we got there I told her I wanted to head straight for the rides when we got in otherwise the kids wouldn't get on anything. She agreed. Anyway the gates opened at 10, huge crowds rushed towards the rides and my mum said "oh hang on, I need to get a film for my camera" so we went into the gift shop. She faffed around in there for HALF AN HOUR decided which one to get then when we got out I tried to head to the rides and she called me back saying "hang on, how do I put it in the camera?" another 10 minutes spent doing that then finally we were ready to head for the rides..."Hang on, I need to get a drink...lets just go in this shop". By time we got to the rides the park had been open for over an hour and all the queues were too long to get on anything.

Am I a terrible person for understanding why my aunt snapped? Are we all giving my poor mum a hard time for no reason?

Do you think getting a hearing aid would actually help? My father has just got one after literally years of gentle hints, (followed by pointed nagging, followed by "look, just get a bloody hearing aid") and although it has helped a lot, they have taken some getting used to.

For instance, when you first wear them, for a few days all noises are magified - think of the noises of trees in the wind, traffic etc that you and I can normally tune out - everything, including speech is magnified and it takes a while for your brain to get used to it and filter out the noises it doesn't need. This is really difficult to get through, but has to be done apparently. Plus the actual aids have batteries that run down, several different controls to use, need fitting in ears in a certain way......given the situation with the camera and phone, it doesn't sound like a hearing aid would aid family harmony?

Oh, and more stories please. PMSL here.

The thing is I honestly don't know anyone else that has THIS much trouble learning how to use new stuff. I mean, my grandmother (72) has had 3 digital cameras now and has been a regular David Bailey with all of them. My grandmother has also had two mobile phones and has even used them! ok so she doesn't know how to send text messages but still...

Another story my poor mum...

We're around the city centre:

mum - I need to find some trousers for Sarah (my sister)
me - Why don't you try New Look?
mum - oh, I wonder where I could get some...
me - new look?
mum - can you think of anywhere?
me - new look (said in flat, irritable tone)
mum - where's that?
me - Down here... (starts to walk off in general direction of new look)
mum - Oh..you know where might have some...that clothes shop on the corner...what's it called...?
me - NEW LOOK!! I'VE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES NOW!
mum - alright, there's no need to get snappy, what's up with you?

god give me strengh! lol

And you have a young sister ? How does she feel ? It looks like your mum is sort of enjoying sinking into old age Mrs S , iyswim, mine's the same. When I married dh she was 4 years older than i am now, but seemed like an old woman in terms of fussing, repeating things, being demanding etc.

hard to explain; they just want someone else to take control...yet they don't...hence the passive aggressive behaviour displayed here eg legoland shop; lack of insight into what your dcs need/want, coupled with irritating faffing about which ultimately is all about attention seeking imo. But at age 54 fgs !

I'm 44...my youngest child is 4 years old. if I turned into my mum any time soon i'd frankly rather...well I don't know - be told a few home truths maybe ? Yet you won't be able to change her so what's the point ? Just adapt how you respond; that's what I do to keep sane. XXX

They went to Austria for a year? That's quite some time. Were they with anyone else too? I can sort of understand both of them getting a bit jaded after a year together.

Quote: "the camera is saying it has an error on the memory card, does that mean I've lost all my photos?" and I felt like saying "are you STILL pratting about with that bloody camera??? just learn how to use the sodding thing!" but I 'collect' myself etc before I upset her.

Personally I think you need to respond like that sometimes (i.e. are you still pratting around with that bloody camera) and not be emotionally blackmailed into silent submission to her annoying ways because she plays the terribly upset card when she gets feedback that isn't positive

Oh god just realised massive typo in my original post, they went to Austria for a WEEK, not a year

I was wondering why everyone kept saying a year was a long time! lol

Ha Ha Ha at these conversations, reading them on MN is very different from having one with someone though!

I did think maybe that was taking the Sound of Music experience a bit further than I would have imagined, but just thought "each to their own".

I do love your stories, but for example the New Look one sounds completely because she didn't hear you say New Look the first time becuase of the deafness.

I also think women of a certain age (my mother included) do just talk for the sake of talking. When I go to my parents I'm amazed at the level of mid level mind numbing chatter, but I'm afraid I do just tune out and read the paper. It makes me wonder if my DH and I are just silent at home, communicating only by facial expressions.

Oh lord, I'm in my early 50's, please don't say I'm like your mum, MrsSnape! My mum is equally annoying, although not in quite the same way. This is the gist of a conversation I had with her yesterday.

Mum: There's another two restaurants opening here, a Subway and an Indian. That's be 17 in the town, we don't need that many eating places.

Me: Well, I guess if you don't need that many, some of them will go out of business PDQ.

Mum: They don't seem to. Why don't they open up shops people actually want, like shoe shops or children's clothes shops.

Me: Why would a restauranteur open a shoe shop?

Mum: Because they'd have done market research and found that that's want people want.

Me: But if you don't know anything about shoes, you're not going to open a shoe shop are you?

Mum: Well, you can't even buy children's clothes here.

Me: And there's nowhere in my town to buy children's clothes either, except babies to 3yo.

Mum: Really? Nowhere? You can buy baby clothes here, too.

Me: That's good.

Mum: You know that restaurant we've been to a couple of times?

me: Yup.

Mum: It's so busy now, you have to book to get in!

I'd lolol, except I'd lost the will to live by then!! My mum is 80, though, not 54.

MrsSnape, whilst I sympathise, you are a wonderful storyteller and this thread has made me lol. A lot. Sorry.

This story was great. And sooo much like my mother (I love her, she' wonderful and I couldn't manage without her but...):

mum - "whoops! I nearly slipped then!"
me - "oh..."
mum - "do you not think its slippery?"
me - "yeah a bit"
mum - "whoops!"
mum - "whoooo..."
mum - "whoop! nearly..."
mum - "whoo I was nearly over then!"
mum - "woo...I nearly slipped then, isn't it slippery in here?"
me - "yeah a bit"
mum - "whooooops....nearly..."

Oh MrsSnape this is so funny (well, for us, not you, clearly ).

I am "in" technology, and so of course anything in the realm of blinking lights and microchips falls to me. Now whenever any of the crumblies gets something gadgety I take it, read the instructions and provide a single piece of paper (with pictures if necessary) of how to do stuff. In simple writing, like "To take a picture press THIS BUTTON". "To get to your email (electronic mail mum, not telex) press THIS BUTTON on the screen -> and then do this" etc.

Of course, this hasn't stopped dad trying to change the tv channel with his calculator, but I can only go so far.

With the trip out thing like park/judo/legoland I would revert to toddler-mum and explain everything VERY clearly beforehand, ask if there is anything needed beforehand, what we are going to do, if there is a random part in the middle without planning, why we are doing it, what time we are leaving and why this might be non-negotiable.

If with a park visit she then tries to back out then I'd just say "well the kids are looking forward to it so I have to go, but you stay if you like. Byeee".

I have to do the toddler thing with my dad. Having discussed what time we will leave and spent the last 30 minutes getting ready:

Me: Have you got everything?
Dad: Yes
Me: So, you're ready to go?
Dad: Yes
Me: I have my camera, sunscreen, money, hat and DS has just been to the toilet. I think we're ready.
Dad: Ok
Me: right then, let's go
Dad: I'll just nip to the loo then
Me: Oh, ok then...
Dad: Ok, I'm ready now. Let me get my shoes on

Leave house, lock door

Dad hops along because he hasn't had time to tie his shoe laces.

Me: Dad, where's your hat?
Dad: Oh yes, I'll need that...

Back to the house... and so it goes on

My mum is mentally sharp but a world-class faffer. Going anywhere with her is like performing your all errands with three cats, only two of them on leashes. My husband and I refer to any faffing as "doing a [her name]". We'll have to change the terminology before DD learns to speak and comes out with "Mummy said we were late for kindy because I was doing a bloody [your name], Nanna"

MrsSnape - are you my sister? I don't have your patience though, my mother annoys me like nobody on earth. She has never, not once, answered a question directly. And when she asks questions herself, which she does all the time, she doesn't listen to the answers so she repeats the question very shortly afterwards. The first time my DH met her he was horrified by my sharpness towards her. After spending a couple of days in her company, the most mild-mannered and patient man I have ever met had smoke coming out of his ears!

This sounds just like my dad! I totally sympathise.. It's painful isn't it? Mine is still waiting for my vivist in September to 'fix' his web cam which hasn't been working, for ooh, lets see, 6 months or so! What he thinks I'm going to be able to do about it I don't know. Seemingly he's already had half the local IT population round to have a look.......and probably driven all of them mad too in the process. Personally I'm at the point where I have total sense of humour failure with it, I just think it's selfish and attention seeking. That feels therapeutic just writing it. One day I might even sayy it to him. Fortunately we live in different countries,, but he even manages to drive me to distraction over the phone........sigh

tbf tho it is their right really. how much selfish attention seeking did we do as kids and teenagers driving them insane with our inability to do anything of our own initiative and listening to nothing they said - whilst they also dealt with their annoying parents and tore their hair out - its the way of the world i am afraid. its as much our job to look after them when they are old as it is theirs to look after us when we are young and one day the responsibility for us to drive our kids mental will fall to us!!!!!!!!!

Prettyfly, my mother is 55

If she is old now, does that mean I am responsible for her for the next 50 years or so and it's not as though I can discipline her like a toddler.

ninedragons... dp's dad and his whole family refer to mil's behaviour as 'the anna zone'