Do your parents WANT to spend time with your kids, or do they just do it as a favour?

[bohemianbint]

I'm just wondering as mine only ever spend one on one time with DS (23 months) when we ask them for help, and then it's done on the footing of them doing us a big favour, IYSWIM. And if we don't ask for help, they don't spend any time with DS at all. (They went 4 months without spending time with him earlier this year, before we had to ask for some help.)

They live 5 mins round the corner and are not ancient, and whilst they always make a fuss of him when they do see him, they don't do it off their own bat. I'm just wondering how normal this is, especially when I'm 36 weeks pregnant and could really do with some help now and again and I feel bad when I have to ask rather than it being offered; it makes me feel like I'm imposing, and indebted.

Am I being oversensitive if am hurt by their seeming indifference? Not just that they dont' want to spend time with DS, but they also don't seem to want to help me, and it shouldn't take a degree in psychology to work out that a very heavily pregnant woman with a toddler would need some help, should it?

My sisters have her though because they want to spend time with her.

My mum relied very heavily on her grandparents much more than I do. We were with our grandparents all day every day of every holiday and most weekends.

we have no family around, so that sort of puts the whole thing out of the question.

but when we did live in the same town, the ILs would sit for them some evenings.

but they are in poor health and FIL still works at weekends so we'd nip out for a film or that.

In my own experience grandparents can either be very "good" or "indifferent" to their wider family network. Mine certainly fall into this latter category.

Think the dye was cast many years ago before I became a parent. When I started work (and long before I became a parent) my mother bluntly stated that she would not look after my children if I went back to work afterwards.

They have stuck to their words. Mis parentes are still the epitome of unwilling and unsupportive. They do visit here on the off chance (they live quite nearby) and my mum will play with my DS but my dad doesn't really bother with him (he never has). Little boys are too strange for him to cope with. He'd rather read the newspaper. Then he'll loudly say to my mum that they have to go now because he's hungry.

both of my dd's grandparents absolutely adore her
But in laws NEVER look after her, in fairness they are in their 70's and not fit at all. But even when they were, I would ask if they could have her for a morning in the hols & my ma in law would say
"yes, I'd love to! drop her off about 10.30"
I start work at 9.15 .....

My own ma & pa again, adore dd, my mum is having her quite a lot in the hols, but it's because I ASK not from her choice. SHe doesnt take her anywhere, has NEVER just asked to take her somewhere.
I have friends whose parents ASK to take the kids somewhere, to see them etc, and we NEVER get that.
HOWEVER, my Nan was the same with us with one exception....
She didn't like us and made it clear LOL

My mum adores dd, she's just busy (self emplyed with 3 business's)

I think our parents' generation were raised by war babies and are fat, affluent and have been spoilt all their lives because their parents never wanted to deny them anything.

People between the ages of 50 and 65 seem to be the most selfish people around at this time. They all seem to have an "I'm alright Jack!" attitude - even the people I see volunteering are in their 70s or in their 20s and 30s.

They can't all be busy!

I just hope that when any d-i-l's i may have or when my dd's ask for help,or when i see that they might be struggling i can spare a few hours and the odd overnight stay for my GC,to give mums and dads a break.

I wish never to be as selfish as my in laws or my parents. I will also never show blatent favouritism (even if i feel it) and buy one gc everythinh and nothing for the others.

bohemianbint, I think it's very sad that your parents don't show much interest and can understand exactly why you feel so hurt. When you love your kids so much, it is hard to imagine that people related to you won't feel the same. I'm very lucky - my in-laws only two grandkids are my boy and girl and they adore spending time with them. My mum and dad have 13 gc but are also delighted to see them when they can. (We live over an hour away from both sets) Sadly, I think your parents will not change now and the only thing to do is try to accept them for how they are and try not to let it bother you too much. Easier said than done, I know!

bit of both, as it should be.

Our parents fight over Tink! His parents (actually his step-dad who dotes on her) wanted her this weekend, but my parents have only just got back from holiday and missed her birthday so Mum had her today. We said no to his parents because we thought we might be going over there, but Mum called this morning and told us to have a bag ready because she and Tink were going out!

Tink's godfather said his wife wouldn't let their girls spend time at their GP's because they are their children, they brought them into the world and they should take responsibility for them. I find that really sad, it's not about someone else taking responsibility for your children, it's about them having chance to bond as grandparent/ grandchild.

Sometimes I ask for someone to take her either because I need to be somewhere I can't take her or because I need a break, but usually she goes out just to be with them.

Forget about feeling you owe them if you have asked them to babysit. If they don't want to then they should say no. If they want something "in return" then they should have said it when you asked.

Inlaws fantastic.

My parents live 5 mins away and neither want or are asked to do anything. In the past, my mum would let me down at the last minute due to something like a forgotten hair appointment. Everything is on their terms but they sure make a fuss of their GC when anyone else is around.

They hardly know my 2nd born. He talks about his other nana all the time too, when mum is (rarely) around and I refuse to try to hush him up. I know she is offended but they bring it on themselves.

She gets all upset if they have been on holiday (a very regular occurrence) and I don't ring to see if they had a good time. Sorry mum, I'm kinda busy with two kids, a demanding job, busy social life of my own (that is of NO interest to her) and a house to run. I know her own mother helped out LOADS with my sis and I when we were kids so wtf??

They are both retired and are two of the most self-centred and self-obsessed people I have ever met.

I feel better after that rant!

If I ever turn out to be like my mother, I ask for a gun to be put to my head right now!

She has never been emotionally supportive. My dad only shows his love by putting his hand in his pocket. They've never ever once told me 'I love you'. My mother had never told me about the birds and bees, nor ever read me a bedtime story.
They are still married. My father slagged me and my mum off for years. backbiting and sniping, hoping never to be found out.....

Only asked my mum not to smoke in here, we haven't spoken now for a year, and all their poison spilled out of dd's mouths at Xmas! They never call the dd's now, and exh's family have all buggered off to Spain. I have no siblings... It took my mum 32 years to tell me about my dead brother.
They are lazy, never go on holiday together, snipe about each other behind each others backs.

So no, they don't want to spend time with my dd's, and they are growing up too fast now. She started letting me down the past 2 years or so. They live 200 miles away and kept coming here on the promise they would take at least one dd back with them.

You should have seen dd2's face when I had to break it to her that nanny had left without her...all because I took her out in the snow early last year and my mother said 'well, I aint fucking nursing her if she gets sick, I'm going home'.

Bitch

pedilla i disagree with you. family members should support each other. bohemianbint is not asking that her parents raise her children, just occasionally it would be nice that they come over to spend time with the children on their own accord. the thing is is, that there will be a time when those parents are going to need help when they get older and will need the support of their children and grandchildren. this is where family's begin to break down. why the hell would you have children if you weren't interested in being a family for life. everyone is busy but everyone can certainly find time to sit their big butts in front of a tv instead of taking advantage of spending time with family.

having said that, my deceased father would love to spend time with my kids and i know this because every spare moment he had he went to my sisters and picked up her kids for impromptu excursions. my mother; there is no way in hell i will let that woman near my children. i've not spoken to her since mother's day, 2004 which to sum up, i had it to here ( hand raised to eyebrow) with her bull-shit. in-laws live in Ontario and we live in BC so not likely to see them much but they are already planning an extended stay in feb, a month after i'm due. i'm sure i'll need the support.

Like babies - all grandparents are different. I have three sets.

MIL and FIL are in another country now, but when we lived 20mins from one another and DS1 was born they were not that handy to have around. I think it was a lack of recent experience and a fear of doing the wrong thing especially with how precious we were with our first. Years later now, and they have had much more experience with SIL's DD and they were quite useful when out on holidays recently and really enjoyed spending time with DS1 and DS2, although it was obvious that their preference was for 5yo DS1 over 2yo DS2

Dad and Stepmum live about 2hours from us and make visits for birthdays (often belated) and christmas - likewise often early or belated. They have never offered to spend time with the boys without us and it really feels like they do the bare minimum and are just going through the motions. I know my stepmum does heaps for her own daughter and her two children who live only minutes from them, so it isn't a skills/confidence thing. Any she has been my stepmum for nearly 25years.

Mum and Stepdad live about 1.5hours away and my Mum is turning out to be a good Nanna - but it has developed over time. I asked her if she would come and stay with me in Germany when I had DS1 and she said no, she would wait till it was summer and he was 6mth old to come for a visit. But just recently she took DS1 who is now 5 for 5days and 4 nights during the school holidays and they had a ball.

I think you might see a difference with your parents when your DS is out of nappies and talking really well - more like a little person than a baby and that they might be better when your next baby comes along.

I think that it does take a village to raise a child and that ideally the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren should be very enjoyable and valuable for all concerned. I know my mum enjoys spending time with her grandchildren because she get to do the kind of stuff she never did with her own children because she always worked so much and didn't have much money and expectations were different back then. My stepdad gets a real kick out of my boys especially as he is estranged from his own son and doesn't get to see his grandchildren.

Have you read the book The Red Tent? It really made me pine for the days when extended family were really involved with one another and a child was brought into a community rather than a nuclear family.

this could be me. if i didnt go round to my mum and dads my kids would never see them.
mil is great with them tho they love staying there and whats best is that she asks for them to stay over.

I am lucky - DS has only one grandparent - my mum and she adores him. I would be very hurt if she didn't want much to do with him. Whther grandparents should helpis really niether here nor there, feeling hurt that they don't want to seems perfectly normal to me.

My mum has cancer (in remission) and when she was ill and in hospital with pneumonia caught during chemo between my bro, sis and I I think she had someone with her vitrual every day, morning afternoon and evening for the whole month she was in and she never went to chemo alone. It was hard because I was wokring and spening evenings at the hospital. But we all did it because of what she means to us, because she has spent years being there for us and our DC's.

Its a virtuous circle and ultimately you get out what you put in. Perhasp "family" just isn't as important to some people or maybe their definition of "family" only strecthes as far as their front door.

My parents are amazing with DD, always offer to help and thank us for 'letting' them babysit even though they are doing us a favor, despite both of my parents working ect.
PIL on the other hand.....well....they are the total opposite of my parents. I feel so bad for DH, he doesn't say anything but I can see it hurts him.

Fil has only seen DD once since fathers day and MIL has seen DD a couple of times since then. But she only stays half an hour....if that. It seems like a chore to MIL when it comes to DD, like she has to see her IYSWIM. Despite MIL not working, being able to drive and having a car to do so. They live about 10 mins drive away from us.

We thought that PIL were maybe trying not to be 'interfering' by offering, so we asked them if they would like to have DD on their own for a couple of hours, but their answer was, 'no, not really'
I personally think It comes down to PIL not liking me, they are used to having their own way when it comes to family, what they say goes IYSWIM. But I wont allow my family time to be disrupted when they say so and they dont like it. They expect all plans etc to be drpoed on their say so, and I don't let it happen. I think they would rather DD and I not be here TBH.

My mum only lives a few minutes drive away but sees my children once every couple of months for less than an hour. She has never done any babysitting although she is planning to look after my sister's dd for 2 weeks while dsis and her dh go on holiday. My mum's dp doesn't like me much so we're not allowed to go to her house.

It used to bother me but I can see now that she's the one who is missing out. My children see her so rarely now that they don't have much of a relationship with her at all. They don't really know her and she doesn't really seem to know them either.

It's interesting what someone said about the role their own grandparents had in bringing them up. Our gran (mum's mum) lived near to our school so we used to go there every lunchtime during termtime.

They love it

My Mum said she'd like to take them on holiday for a week when dd2 is a bit older (she's nearly 2)

I was very happy

My mum loves to look after ds, and he quite often goes just as they both enjoy seeing each other. My nana also enjoys having ds, but I try to discourage it now and have them all meet up at mine or my mum's as she is losing concentration and energy and ds is a little whirlwind.

PIL have absolutely no interest, live round the corner and never pop in, have babysat once very begrudgingly. Still - it's their loss as ds is fab.

We are lucky in most ways. Unlucky in that all sets of Gps are at least 4 hours drive away, but lucky in that most of them are very interested. My mum is besotted with dd and her and my dad are coming up to stay for a week tomorrow to help me out whilst dh is away. They have her overnight 2 or 3 times a year so dh and I can sneak off to a hotel. MIL and her new dh are also good, alhough work p/t and have lots of gc, so can't help out as much, but do what they can. They have had her overnight twice this year ( ....does it sound like we are trying to parcel our toddler off on anyone who will have her??)

FIl another matter entirely. Retired but fit, with a car and large income. Lives with DHs step mum (nice lady who he has been married to for 30 years). Step mum makes an effort (knitted cardies when dd was born etc, cooes over pictures on internet.)She still works and is in ill health with arthritis. FIL has no interest, cannot remember dds name, and has seen her twice in 2 years, both times after we drove 4 hours to see them.

We thanks our lucky stars for the interested GPs, and dh tries not to get upset about his Dad.

I just remembered something funny (well not funny actually)about ds2.

When my DH's parents did one of their half hour once yearly visits (live 5 mins drive away) ds2 who was about 7 or 8 at the time didn't speak to either of them at all. I wondered what was wrong because he is normally very polite.

They left and i asked him why he had refused to speak to them and he said he was scared to as he didn't know what to call them. I didn't get what he meant but he didn't know who they were He thought Granny was an Auntie he hadn't met before.

I always tell myself that is is their loss but i would have loved to have interested GP's for my dc.

Our parents don't live close, so I love it that they are interested in their grandchildren. My mum thinks if she lived nearby she would be too much, always coming over, so I told her if she did live by I'd be getting a pt time job and pay her for the child care

I know my PIL were worried about coming over when I was pregnant for xmas because they feared getting in the way, and as I told them they could never do that!!

I like it they all have their own lives, yet are interested in the boys, e.g mum took time off to help my family when I was due my second baby, the pil are having ds1 for a holiday, the boys keep them young, and the gparents offer a lot to the boys in 'wisedom' etc (though sometimes I think about my dads thoughts!

I always think it a loss when gparents who do live close by never see the gchildren.