Do your parents WANT to spend time with your kids, or do they just do it as a favour?

[bohemianbint]

I'm just wondering as mine only ever spend one on one time with DS (23 months) when we ask them for help, and then it's done on the footing of them doing us a big favour, IYSWIM. And if we don't ask for help, they don't spend any time with DS at all. (They went 4 months without spending time with him earlier this year, before we had to ask for some help.)

They live 5 mins round the corner and are not ancient, and whilst they always make a fuss of him when they do see him, they don't do it off their own bat. I'm just wondering how normal this is, especially when I'm 36 weeks pregnant and could really do with some help now and again and I feel bad when I have to ask rather than it being offered; it makes me feel like I'm imposing, and indebted.

Am I being oversensitive if am hurt by their seeming indifference? Not just that they dont' want to spend time with DS, but they also don't seem to want to help me, and it shouldn't take a degree in psychology to work out that a very heavily pregnant woman with a toddler would need some help, should it?

Then my grandparents were the same, my grandma never had me overnight, or babysat or actually had me for the day. We only saw her once a week when my mum took us on the bus. So I guess my mum hasn't had a brilliant role model of what an ideal grandparent is!

It actually makes me want to move. Well, we're planning on moving for a million reasons, but I think I might feel it less keenly if they weren't on the doorstep, if you see what I mean. At least if we lived a few hours away it would be easier to justify the lack of...anything. And we wouldn't keep being disappointed by it. Sad though.

GG that is really awful. and I mean REALLY.

I asked my question because although my ILs are 'politely' interested that is all I feel they are. When we stay we have to ask for one of them to read DS a bedtime story (mainly so he can have a 'nice' memory) but sometimes preparing 'dinner' is more important to my MIL. FIL is very self centred and doesnt really like kids. Sadly my Mum is too ill to be really interactive and my dad is dead.

I would love more support with my DCs for all sorts of reasons.

I cant help sometimes feeling jealous when I see all those really interactive GPs. I know it would really help DP and myself on all sorts of levels to occasionally have some family support. I think it can be wonderful for kids too.

Mine want to. I love that, love gransparent/child relationships.

The in-laws like havng them around but are past enjoying their company, if you see what I mean. They don't want to do anything with them, just have them around, with us or other adults there.

Infact I feel quite upset reading these posts.

gorilla, that is sad

I feel awful for admitting this, given several posts, but my parents do. They are both sick (both have long-term depression) and I think it is the thing that lights up their life.

My DDs (well, the eldest DD (2.7) really, DD2 is only 11 months) phones them every morning, and they visit almost every day for about half an hour. (They live 1 mile away). They often walk to pre-school with me, and they take her out shopping for food usually once a week.

I realise how lucky my DDs are. My problem is more making sure that I give them the option not to babysit because I would hate to take advantage of their goodwill. (But to be honest, I only go out once a week, and only for 3 hours).

My mum lives with us, adores dd and will do anything that she is capable of (she's 83 with dicky heart) anytime.

MIL and sFIL now live 150 miles away. They are always going on about how much they miss dd (we used to live about 5 miles away from them), but when they are round seem incredibly uninterested in her. MIL is more interested in telling me I'm washing up wrong or that I shouldn't keep the scissors here; sFIL is more interested in pontificating in lordly fashion showing off his weak intellect, ignorance, bigotry and pompous snobbery. (They were like this when we lived near them too.)

DD stays with them for a few days at Xmas and a bit longer in the summer. During this time they might take her to the park once for half an hour, perhaps to the town to buy food, generally fail to arrange for her to play with the children next door, and fail to feed her. I don't know why she actually ever wants to stay with them, but as long as she does I grit my teeth and let her.

I would rather they didn't bother tbh.

I am very lucky in that parents love spending time with my girls. My mother is very conscious of the fact that they only really have a few short years with the children before my kids start getting bored of visiting granny etc. As a result, my parents have the children whilst I work (2.5 days a week) and have an exceptionally close relationship with my parents. They're always asking to take the girls away for the day, or on holiday etc and my parents benefit from having a very close relationship.

My ILs on the other hand are not particularly bothered by my girls. They have seen them once this year (they live 40 mins away) and have never offered to babysit in four years. But then I don't ask them to help. Sometimes DH has asked them to help out when its been his 'shift' on childcare, but you get the sense that they reluctantly agree. I think its sad, because they just do not have the same relationship with my girls.. in fact I think it would be fair to say that they haven't really got a relationship with them at all. But I think that's their lookout, you get out of a relationship what you put in, and if they don't want to invest the time with my girls, they shouldn't be surprised when my girls don't want to speak to them on the phone etc. At the end of the day, they'll be the only ones that misses out.

My parents live in another country but my inlaws call every single weekend and ask if they could please have our dd for the afternoon. We always say yes =)I count myself very lucky with this.

I think it can be changed though sometimes. My parents were only interested in my first child on their own terms and tried to implement very authoritarian type grand parenting when we visited. Also very critical of my parenting - behaving in fact exactly how they used to behave with me as a child. The whole expectation was that I would fail at parenting as I had "failed" at everything else (my mum actually told me once that the biggest tragedy of her life was that her kids had achieved NOTHING and were complete failures).

In the end I just completely cut them off. I could not bear to see them treat my son and make him feel worthless the way they had me. No contact for a year with some big email arguments in the mean time about how me and my dc would be treated and when we started contact again they were and are the most doting of grand parents. I think that maybe they didn't know how to be decent parents or grand parents because they never had a good example. I told them how it would be for my dc and now it is. Sure it would not work for everyone though.

GG your mum sounds awful .

It would make me very sad if the grandparents weren't interested. My own father died when I was pregnant with my first born, and he would have been an absolutely fantastic grandad so big loss for me and the children. The ILs are good grandparents, but sadly spoilt by the behaviour of my MIL towards me.

Mine want to see my 2.
My IL's barely speak/look at me when I drop them off, they are just focussed on the DC's

My parents and my Inlaws love seeing DD and spending time with her. They volunteer to babysit, love to have her overnight occasionally and love the chance to get some one to one time with her, plus time together when we are there. Our parents both live about 40 miles/1 hour in car away and we see them pretty regularly.

I have asked for help in a roundabout way in the past ie when on my diet, saying god i have my diet class tonight and DH is working late,think i will have to miss the class obv because i have the dd's. Mum would say oh dear that's a shame.

She is not a stupid woman and knew that if she sat with the dd's for half an hour i could have gone. She will not offer and i no longer hint/ask. On the rare occasions i have asked we have been let down so no point.

Ds1 is 17 in September so he and his gf will babysit to let us go out which is nice.

I will never understand why gp's are like that. I hope to be a help to my dc and spend time with my GC if i am lucky enough to have any.

Yep I dont really understand why they behave like that either. If it is after all an occasional thing, even if seeing the GCs is hard work, it is more a novelty surely, not hardship.

My ILs are more demonstrative with the GCs that live closer and I thought perhaps the occasional nature of our visits, due to distance, would make them dote on our kids. Unfortunately not so, they are not actively unkind, just polite and distant they buy them toys but dont play with them. GD did say that our DS was more 'aggressive' than the other GD's because he wanted to watch ceebbs while GD wanted to goggle at sport all day.

So on that occasion I was actively pissed off. Play with him GRANDAD, for god's sake play with him. Dont ignore him and do what you always do everyday of the bloody year!

I feel bad about being angry because they are not actively unkind. However they never offer to babysit when they visit for several days even though they know we did not go out as a couple for 4 years after DS was born. And I did let them know about our lack of social life - but still no offers! Anyway rant over.

I suppose life is just easier if you have supportive GPs and everyone gets something out of it! I have to try hard not to let it really bother me tho'

I'd expect my mum to be interested but wouldn't ever rely on her for childcare. She has a job and a life.

My parents never have the boys - even for a day.

When we had ds1 they told us not to expect them to look after him regularly so I could go back to work and they have stuck to that with all the gchildren.

I have never expected it so it doesnt matter.

What does pee me off is that my 3 brothers have fab inlaws who babysit, do loads for their gchildren, look after them while the sils work etc and we get zilch!!

DH's mother is awful and I wont let the boys see her regularly and my parents wont do anything so the whole situation is quite crap really.

Dh and I havent been out in over a year on our own (in the evening) We do go out while the boys are at school for lunch but that is it. Fortunately my brilliant sister is over next week and gets on brilliantly with them so she will do some babysitting for us.

BTW my parents are 57 and 62, retired and have been since Dad was 49, in good health, loaded and have far too much time on their hands as Mum sky+ Deal or No Deal !!

I'm lucky that my Mum/mil have the girls one day a week each when I work, also my mum and dad have them both to sleep over roughly every 6 weeks (they normally pick them up at lunhc time saturday and bring them back in pj's at bedtime on sunday) They also see them almost every weekend either sat or sunday afternon

IL's will have them if we ask but have had dd1 5 timmes overnight in 4 years (big issues as sil kids stay almost every weekend, in fact I counted recently they stayed 8 out of 10 weekends, the 2 they didnt stay were because il's were on holiday)
They have been to our house probably 10 times in 8 years (both parents and pil live 10mins away) but tbh i prefer the dd's going to my parents anyway.

I can't fault either of them really as if I rang and was ill/emergency one of them would have them straight away

My parents get withdrawal symptoms if they don't see the girls at least once a week, often pop in when 'just passing' and engage in competitive grandparenting, so if dad 'just happens to be passing' on Tuesday, mum will turn up on Friday. And my dad who is semi-retired takes dd1 out for adventures every couple of months. They also regularly help with bathtime if dh is working late and will babysit willingly. I am truly blessed in the grandparent department.

Dh's parents say they want to spend time with them and to be fair they do live 200 miles away but they never stay long when they come for a visit.

My parents are besotted with my DD. My dad 'pops' round if he hasn't seen her for a few days, he even calls to see what kind of day she's had at nursery!! They babysit her a lot (overnight at weekends etc) and never complain, both currently work full time. I am so lucky they are amazing grandparents and DD adores them.

DH parents are pretty good too, although more his mum than his dad. Again we are so lucky to have that support around us, especially as DC2 is on the way

My parents,both early retired and in good health in their sixties,look after DD3 one day a week whilst I work.
They will also look after the other dcs in school holidays,overnight if we are going out,my dad takes DS to watch football in the season.
They love seeing them,and are brilliant with them.
I feel very lucky reading other posts tbh.
MIL lives 50 miles away so is more detached,but comes over to babysit if we need her,has the middle 2 dcs for a week in the summer hols,etc.
I hopre I have such relationships when I am a grandma.

favour, we are made to feel very guilty although she does take dd to school every morning. The only time she makes it look a pleasure is when she is in public and trying to look the doting grandparent. We are moving and dp will be reducing his hours and working from hom so we don;t have to rely on favours again.

My mum was very similar as a parent, was made to feel very greatful most of my life that I had not been aborted or adopted.