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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking about someone else while at it...

83 replies

WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 09:20

He's had his hair cut (OK, I cut it) and last night in the subdued lighting of our bedroom, I pretended he was someone else with the same hairstyle. I'm not saying who, or you will all guess who I am, and (duh!) I namechanged to be anonymous, but it's no-one I know personally.

Is it really, really bad that I actually enjoyed it for the first time by doing that?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 18/07/2008 12:29

But do you think its fair to be with someone that you have never felt that way about?

Original poster
WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 12:30

pp, well, apart from the crushing guilt, I felt rather good and affectionate because, well, you know, it was a very nice experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 12:32

dropdeadfred, fair doesn't really come into it, we've got a home and family and he's a good man. It just is now, there's no point wishing I'd done things differently.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 18/07/2008 12:32

but care is good

I don't honestly think that fancying someone physically is the be-all and end-all. I mean I fancy dh, I do, but that's not the most important thing.

I have been in a relationship based purely on fancying the pants off teh bloke physically. It was a shit relationship. No amount of wanting his clothes off could disguise this fact.

Everyone is going south, really, and care and love are the only things to build on in a long term relationship. The whole media obsession with pretty puts incredible pressure on us to think our partners should be physically perfect.

I know who you were imagining, course I do. And I could easily do so myself. But actually I don't know that I would like him if I met him, I don't know if I could love him, as a person. Could you? What you have with your dh is more, isn't it?

Dropdeadfred · 18/07/2008 12:41

I am not judging (really) just curious as to why you would 'make do' and whether he knows you are...?

Ignore me I am being nosey.

Original poster
WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 12:52

dropdeadfred, no, it's ok, it's just a really long and semi-tragic story. Choices made when I was vulnerable that I wouldn't make again, but making the best of it hasn't been too bad, really. He knows I'm a completely mixed up person, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Capp, no, you're right, of course you are. And I can tell myself about the greater value of committed caring and longterm affection until I'm blue in the face - it's not going to turn me on.

But fear not, I'm not actually planning on stalking the real thing. I know the reality, and I know this is just fantasy, I just feel guilty about the existence of the fantasy.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 12:54

And yes, I know you know who it is

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 18/07/2008 14:01

sorry - had to feed child

the thing is, now you know you can have fantastic sex with your husband. It's obvious he's not bad at it or anything dealbreaking like that

if this is now, then getting your head round enjoying now, rather than making the best of it, is the way forward, surely? And fantasy can play a part in that, but so can lots of other things too.

I'm not saying you should feel guilty about the fantasy - you shouldn't at all - but it needs to be part of a package of measures, as dh would say in workspeak, rather than depending on imagining you are are doing youknowwho for the rest of your days. Cos that would be a bit sad.

procrastinatingparent · 18/07/2008 14:09

Like your post, Cappucino. (The coffee speaks sense...).

Dropdeadfred · 18/07/2008 14:20

The fact is that whoever you were thinking of it was your hubby who was catually pressing your buttons ( and pretty well by the sounds of it) perhaps this could lead you to seeing him in a new light...?

Original poster
WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 14:34

Yup, that's very true. And having been thinking about it this afternoon, I actually realized I was quite looking forward to this evening and it was definitely proper images from last night in my mind rather than, you know, what was going on in my head that's a good thing, on balance.

Maybe I'm really, really shallow. It is a good haircut, if I do say so myself. It's not like the other guy has a patent on it.

(and yes Capp, it would be astonishingly sad to do this every single time for the rest of my life ) And making do is a really, really negative way of looking at things.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 18/07/2008 14:42

well you know where I am if you need me, lovey

cos I don't want to keep bumping this thread for you and making you blush

everlong · 18/07/2008 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/07/2008 16:21

Do you have a crush on somebody rl? And imagine this person when making love to your dh?

Original poster
WhosThatGirl · 18/07/2008 17:41

er, yeah, just the once. That was kind of the point of the thread...

OP posts:
fanjolina · 18/07/2008 18:21

was this who you were fantasising about?

bran · 18/07/2008 18:43

Oh dear, this has led to an awkward silence chez bran. I mentioned this thread to dh (implying that I think about other people quite a bit) and he said that he has never thought about someone else when we were having sex (in a tone that implied it would be a rather distastefule thing to do).

everlong · 18/07/2008 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bran · 18/07/2008 18:49

He'll get over it, it might do him good to feel he has a little competition. I just assumed that it was the norm and that most people did it, apparently not.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/07/2008 19:21

sorry, I just wanted to have it spelt out, so I dont end up talking about something entirely different. You see, fantasizing about somebody you have a crush on can be quite dangerous. The more you do it, the more emotionally invested you become in this other person. You are working at keeping your crush alive rather than your relationship, and it may cause you some problems when meeting up with the object of the crush. In a way, his hands has already been all over you, and it turned you on. The next step..... The next step could lead you into dangerous territory.

There is a difference between fantasizing about Brad Pit and the guy in the office or your cousins husband who may reciprocate. You are very close to affair territory.

everlong · 18/07/2008 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjolina · 18/07/2008 20:10

OK...I have asked my DH for a man's view.

He says it is sort of bad that you thought of someone else, but this is more than outweighed by the fact that you got such enjoyment from it. So he says you should focus on how you can get that enjoyment again.

(But he says on no account tell your DP you were thinking of someone else)

QuintessentialShadows · 18/07/2008 21:15

EVERLONG: "Leave the poor girl alone"
Clearly I have misunderstood the OP. But I was offering advise in good faith. Can you forgive my trespasses? Or will you put a muddy boot up my backside to ensure I leave her alone?

I'll be off now.

everlong · 18/07/2008 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/07/2008 21:56

If you read my previous comments, I did not think she was doing anything wrong at all. But then I asked her to clarify if she had a crush on somebody in real life. Her reply indicated she had. But I did not get that bit about some celebrity, and did not think of a celebrity as somebody you know real life.