Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

boyfriend that I do not love but we have 2 children together has just walked out, do I grab the chance or take him back?

65 replies

laralamb · 17/07/2008 23:35

Boyfriend of 11 years has got in a drunken strop and just walked out, should I just say that is the end and find someone new or should I cling on?

We have two children together, however they are both very young and I think they would get over their daddy leaving, should I just make a break for it?

if anyone needs more details please specify and I will be happy to give them.

OP posts:
Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 00:17

ok better go to sleep 5am wake up calls for me any opinions are welcome, thanks for all the replies, advice is gratefully recived,

thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 00:20

wabbit - yes my goal is to be the very best mum and giving the very upmost to ds & dd, and his goals are still about childish pub culture etc,

the kids were his only want before hand, he waites years until I said ok to having a baby etc. but once they arrived he just carried on as before

OP posts:
Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 00:22

I am left trying to be supermum, while he just fails to be anywhere near superdad.

OP posts:
Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 00:24

ok sorry will check back in the morning
nighty night

OP posts:
wabbit · 18/07/2008 00:27

Oh, this is so like many relationships! Men can be a bit crap when children come along!!
My BIL is a lovely, lovely guy but as for helping with the children - he's shite at it - infuriating?!? my poor sister needs a holiday, not from the children so much as from her dh - and his inability to empathise with just how much the children demand from her.

I'm going to go to bed thinking about this now... hope to catch you here tomorrow - night night

PinkTulips · 18/07/2008 00:27

i don't think having parents living together who don't love each other aand want to be apart is any better than having happy split parents who both take and interest and help out tbh.

if you don't feel you can love him again it prbably is fairer on both of ye to split but if there's anything salvagable there at all a long talk might be in order.

PinkTulips · 18/07/2008 00:29

what the fuck happened to my typing there

was doing fake txt spk on another thread and i think i've infected myself!

wabbit · 18/07/2008 00:31

lol

Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 08:07

Wabbit - you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your comments there.

Pinktulips - we rub along fine as pretty much best mates, though definitley started to bicker alot more since I get pretty stressed out with the kids, so I guess it comes down to what is best for DS and DD or me.

also money annoys me because I penny pinch, but he doesn't in the least, and we have different ideas where it should be going.

I'm wondering if I could use this as leverage to ask him to make a few changes about himself, but that sounds a little bit like bullying to me.

Always made a pact to myself that it is never good when you try to change things about a person, so have never done it, never pressurised on any aspect, but now I'm pretty fed up with him, would it be benificial?

OP posts:
Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 08:10

the thing is even the next day, I have no feelings about it, don't in the least bit feel upset, then there is no relief either, nothing, other than oh bother got to deal with the kids again today. just want to do the right thing for us all.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 18/07/2008 08:11

I don't think you should even be considering finding someone else

Hecate · 18/07/2008 08:17

You're talking to the wrong people, you know that, don't you?

Talk to him. He's not psychic and neither are you. You've been together 11 years and you can't sit down with him and say "Look, I feel really unhappy because...." ?? You worry about the state of your relationship because you're bored? --- worry about the state of your relationship because you can't or won't tell him how you feel.

Dropdeadfred · 18/07/2008 08:19

This shouldn't be 'shal I put up with him or find someone better' this is about working out if this relationship could be/should be salvaged.

I, for one, kicked the father of my two children out when I was 26....never looked back and I'm getting married to the best DP ever in August...

CB13 · 18/07/2008 08:23

Someone wise once said "love is a verb as much as noun". i.e. you have to work at loving someone. There is no doubt that children are better off with both parents but ONLY if they love each other. If it's truly doomed, then by all means end it. Still having drunken strops is v. immature considering you are parents. I think you give up the right to have regular drunken strops once you are a parent.

liahgen · 18/07/2008 08:29

hi,

I think the fact that you have to ask us speaks volumes.

If you truly would be happier alone, then yes, do it. Yes it will be difficult but long term you will both find true happiness.

When i split with my 1st husband, my then 5 yr old told me, "i like it better now daddy is not here, you are not cross anymore"

We did not haver an argumentative relationship, just a destructive one for both of us.

LoveMyGirls · 18/07/2008 08:38

Can you get a babysitter and go out for a meal and talk honestly? We don't know you/ the relationship you have, if it's just boredom and the fact he's let himself go etc then I think you can work on that and you might find the love comes back.

Original poster
laralamb · 18/07/2008 08:55

we always talk, but even when what is said is taken on board and changed,the real problems would take so much effort on both our parts, not sure if he would put in the effort.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 18/07/2008 11:34

I would urge you to try and think carefully and work on the relationship you have. If he isnt abusive, is a good father and a good man, your problems may be solved with some talking and a little compromise on both sides. I have not been a single parent myself, but my dh is travelling a lot, he is often away for months at the time. It is hard to be alone with children. It is a lot of effort, and my life always appear very different when dh is away, I am knackered by the time he gets back.

After many years together, it is normal that the first infatuation goes. And you dont tingle when you see him, and you dont get turned on by just "that look", and you dont check out his bottom at his every opportunity. In a new relationship, that phase will pass quickly too.

My dh had a period where he was very overweight. He was distant and did not have much time for me. I did not fancy him anymore, I was irritated that he did not make more of an effort and our relationship was really not so good. Our Gp said it seemed like my dp suffered depression, so I would an extra job of keeping it together and supporting him through it. Then he had a health scare, and he turned his life around (with my support), he is now a totally yummy fitness fanatic who is a lot happier in himself. I did not think our relationship had much of a happy future for me then, but I am glad I stuck it out. As we are now a "happy family of four" as opposed to a single mum with two kids who see daddy in his small 1 bed flat every weekend.

Smithagain · 18/07/2008 11:40

If you're both bored, would you both consider going to talk to someone about it, face to face. Like Relate or something?

I find it hard to imagine how boredom could be so bad that you'd throw 11 years away. But I haven't been there, I don't know you (and nor does anyone else here) and I think you need help to work things out properly, together, for yourselves.

THEN make a decision.

I do know two couples who have got to a similar stage of boredom after several years together. One has separated. She seems happier - I don't know about him. Kids were grown up, so not so affected.

The other couple had a trial separation during which they spent a lot of effort talking and working things out. They are back together and stronger than ever. And their kids are flourishing.

ginnny · 18/07/2008 11:52

Remember the grass isn't always greener!
There was a thread on here a while ago about someone who left her 'boring' dh for an exciting new man, the dh went on to meet someone else and have more dc and a happy life and the 'exciting' new man turned out to be a complete arse. She ended up regretting it.
Not telling you what to do, but you need to be sure you are doing the right thing if you split, because once done, it is very hard to undo.

Mutt · 18/07/2008 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinkie1 · 18/07/2008 12:15

Have you thought about working at your relationship?

Realising that all relationships at some point will feel stale and boring and you both have to realise that and do something proactive about it - sorry to be blunt but you sound like someone who is willing to jump out of a relationship with a man you have kids with because he has let himself go a bit, spends a bit too much money and doesn;t live up to your great ideal of a father - can you imagine the posts that would be on here if you were a man saying this.

FFs grow up this is the father of your children and you need a better excuse to bail rather than to work at your relationship than you are a bit bored and he has let himself go!

(I have PMT too!!)

PinkTulips · 18/07/2008 12:40

i think there's a bit too much emphasis being put on laralambs use of the word bored.

i think (correct me if i'm wrong ll) she means it more in the sense that she no longer has feelings or emotions towards him as a person, not so much that she's looking for excitement but that she's missing the emotional connection that used to be there.

Twinkie1 · 18/07/2008 12:44

I don't feel a connection with DH sometimes when he has had a hard day and so have I, he gets in we manage to get the kids to bed and then we talk - we work on us - we are blissfully happy because we work at our relationship so it doesn't go stale - part of me thinks if it was so great you shouldn't have to work at it - it should be true love and flowers etc but I know that is not the case, life sometimes gets in the way but we talk about how we feel, if the other one has done something annoying or if we just need to vent - we do it tighether and that way you grow closer and stay together.

fatmata · 18/07/2008 12:49

I think for the children's sake you should make up as it will break their heart.

Swipe left for the next trending thread