Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

h had an affair, and now I am really confused about whether I want him back. .

17 replies

exercisefreak · 16/07/2008 22:18

about 4 months ago, h had an affair with a woman at work.
It lasted about 3 months, and he isnt with her anymore.
It took me a long time, and a lot of heartache to get to the point where I am now, where I can talk to him in a friendly way, where I can let him see our 19 month old dd without getting really upset and angry.
But I am now fed up of the anger and the hatred, and I am ready to be civil to him. I cant be bothered to fight anymore iyswim. I was badly hurt, but I think I decided that I was better off without him.
My life now is ok. Obviously I am a single parent, with a young dd, cant get out much and so on, but I have great friends, and feel like I am rediscovering myself.
Last night h came over to see dd, and he stayed afterwards, and we had coffee together. It was really nice to be able to talk to him again. We chatted for ages.
I do still care for him, and probably do still love him. I even think I have forgiven him, though I ertainly havent forgotten.
He wants to come back.
I dont know if I want him. I mean, I think I do, but I dont know if I can ever get over the betrayal. And he slept with her, which was really hitting me where it hurt, as I am insecure in sex anyway. I dont know if I could ever have sex with him again.
The thought of losing him forever is scary, but I also feel like I want time out, to see other men, to go on dates, to kind of see what is out there iyswim. I cant launch straight back in with h, mostly because I know the physical intimacy would be a problem.
I do think we could sort ourselves out, and quite possibly be stronger than ever. But I do feel a strong need to be 'single' for while first. Perhaps in the future, we could refind our love, but I am not ready to try yet.
Has anyone any advice?
What do I do?

OP posts:

theexmrsfederer · 16/07/2008 22:26

Listen to your instincts.

He has to understand you cannot simply snap back to where you were before.

He will try to put pressure on you to take him back sooner rather than later.

Do not do anything until you are sure.

Original poster

exercisefreak · 16/07/2008 22:31

having written all of that, I think I was all geared up for never taking him back. I saw a counseler every week for a couple of months, and she helped me sort things out in my head - to believe that I COULD go it alone, I could cope, I would meet someone else etc.

but when I see him, I DO still feel for him. I just dont know yet if I could be intimate with him again. I want to see how other men treat me.

I suppose its too soon to know if he has changed. Things werent great in our relationship anyway. But it was something we could have worked out, but he had an affair instead.

But I am scared of losing him still. We have a lot of history, and he is dd's dad. And I still care for him.

So confused

OP posts:

LittleBoSheep · 16/07/2008 22:32

Tell him you are not sure how you feel..if he is sure he wants to continue a relationship with you he starts back at step 1 like a new boyfriend and woos you.

You dont have to make any decision before you are ready to...he is the one in the wrong here.

Original poster

exercisefreak · 16/07/2008 22:35

littlebosheep - yes, I agree that would be where it had to start.

I think my problem is that I have another man who are interested in me! I would still like to go out on a date, see what happens etc. Is that fair on either of them? But I feel this is something I need to do.

OP posts:

theexmrsfederer · 16/07/2008 22:37

Perhaps you should see less of him for a while. Be cool and no-nonsense when he comes to pick up dd, but insist he takes her out somewhere.

It sounds like letting him get too close (the coffee chats etc) is just confusing you.

LittleBoSheep · 16/07/2008 22:37

Just be upfront about the fact that you are keeping your options open

LittleBoSheep · 16/07/2008 22:39

Does your H know you have another man interested, if so that may be why he is so keen to reconcile.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 16/07/2008 22:40

The other thing IF you do want him back in the future (I know you're confused) you can't expect that he'll be available/still want to then.

Well done for finding all the strength you needed to get your life back on track.

theexmrsfederer · 16/07/2008 22:40

I agree Bo. There is nothing like a little outside interest to make a man prick up his ears (as it were!)

Flum · 16/07/2008 22:41

Take it slowly keep an open mind. Keep him on the hook. Will probably take a year either way.

hellish · 16/07/2008 22:43

don't make my mistake, take a few years to be yourselof and date him / other men too.

Original poster

exercisefreak · 16/07/2008 22:54

shinyhappypeople - yes, I know. that is what scares me.

I need this time out, but what if I do fall back in love with h, but its too late? The dating other men would just be a bit of fun iyswim. I was with h since I was 16, and together 8 years. I feel like I missed out on the whole dating thing.

And if I dont get a chance to do it now, and get straight back with h, I will STILL feel like I missed out.

OP posts:

Original poster

exercisefreak · 16/07/2008 22:57

hellish if you dont mind me asking. what WAS your mistake? getting back too soon?

OP posts:

LaDiDaDi · 16/07/2008 23:03

That last post rings alarm bells for me (been there, got the DIVORCE T-shirt). Has he been with you from a very young age too?

I think that the fairest thing would be to tell your h that you want 6 months aprt during which you will both be single. At the end of that time you will see if you want to be together or not.

hellish · 17/07/2008 06:01

Well, dh and I separated - bought my own house, had everything sorted. I took the dds to visit him (in Canada)and we pretty much fell "in love" all over again. Very touchy, loads of sex, all very nice.
So we got back together and now we all live in Canada.

BUT I think I ignored all the real reasons that we had split up in the first place and was too quick to get back together.

Two years later we are arguing about the same things we always did (sex/housework..) and I miss my calm, fun, single life that I only had for 8 months,.

Trouble is I can't put the dcs through another break up, so i feel like I've made my bed...

I'm not unhappy, life is good, I just can't help feeling that if I had asked him to wait a year, I might have made a different decision.

MuthaHubbard · 17/07/2008 08:30

I think the advice from LaDiDaDi is good, give yourselves 6 months apart.

Does he know there is another guy interested in you? Could it be that he is jealous and wanting to get back with you right now because there's a new guy on the scene?

Are the reasons you split/he had an affair still going to be there if you get back together?

Beetroot · 17/07/2008 08:37

I would follow your instinct and leave things as they are at the moment
you don't owe him an explanation
Take your time.

16 is a very young age for anyone to get together and I would seem you both need time to lead a single life.

taek care and make sure he babysits as often as possible

Flip