Please help me stop being a slapper (long, sorry)

[SecretSlapper]

I have a good marriage and 2 DCs, it isn't perfect, but nothing so wrong that I would have an excuse to do what I've done.

I have 'emotional issues' from childhood which make me crave the feeling of being wanted and getting some attention. What DH gives me should be enough, but when somebody else gives me a bit of attention I find it really really hard to resist.

Throughout our relationship I have talked dirty with other men, cuddled them, fondled them, occassionally kissed them, then last year it all went too far with a man and I slept with him, fell in love with him, got really hurt because he regretted losing control and doing something immoral and put a stop to it. Missing him still hurts now and I had vowed to myself not to get physically close to another man apart from DH because I'd proved to myself I couldn't be trusted to have self control and I don't want to hurt like this over another man.

I am seeing a therapist about all my childhood stuff and we had talked about OM as well and I was starting to feel a bit better about him and more in control. I was feeling better about all my issues, but now I feel like I'm going through another phase in the therapy where I am feeling angry, hurt, unloved, unloveable etc all over again. My behaviour with other men does seem to get worse when something sparks off all this stuff.

Anyway, I thought I wouldn't behave like this anymore and hate the thought of my therapist thinking badly of me (when I tell him because I will feel I should tell him), but the other night I went out, had a few drinks (usually alcohol involved), saw a man I found attractive, talked to him, told him I was married with kids, half hoping he would be put off enough that he would be the one with self control and nothing wrong would happen, but he wasn't put off and we ended up snogging. He was suggesting we do more and I had just enough self control to decide to leave with my girl friend at that point before I did anything worse.

But I am SO ashamed of myself. It worries me that I want to do these things and don't honestly feel that I won't do it again. It feels like an addiction and the more I do it the more I want to do it.

I feel so guilty for DH when apart from a few minor things most people would see him as being a good, stable, loving, caring, hard working husband and father. Sex isn't as exciting as at the very beginning and not as frequent although we are still managing to do it occassionally, maybe once every two weeks on average. But this is not a good enough excuse to do what I do.

I'm not sure what response I want to this. A number of things:

1. I would like to know how wrong you think I am and why (be nasty to me if you think it might make me think twice about behaving like this again!).

1. Or I would like to know if you feel you can understand why I do this.

1. I would like to know at what point you think flirting, cuddling, kissing etc becomes wrong and cheating.

1. And do you have any advice for how I can be a better person

Message withdrawn

I used to do this (before I was with DH) - I was desperately looking to be be loved, just like you. I would sleep with anyone at university just to get that high of being wanted and then would experience the terrifying low of them very evidently wanting no more to do with me. I saw a therapist for a good few months (I'd had a very fractured childhood involving being left by my dad, then my mum leaving us with social services and then my stepmum hating me from when I went to live with her and my dad - I was 5 ). The therapy really taught me that I was not actually getting any long term satisfaction from these liasons. Additionally, I was subconsciously going for short term liaisons as I didn't want to open my heart to being hurt and rejected again. After the therapy and some time as a single person (not sleeping with anyone!), I met my DH and I have been very happily married and 100% faithful for over 10 years.

I think that you need more therapy SecretSlapper and I don't think that your name fits tbh - you are "damaged" and need some help.

SomethingBoutM, I think that is really important what you said about "not actually getting any long term satisfaction from these liaisons". And you are right, it is like a high, but then it is followed by a low. So it isn't worth it. Also these men don't want ME, just my body. DH has stayed with me for years, put up with stuff, done loads for me. This must prove he wants to be with ME, not just my body. (Hard for me to believe someone would want me, but trying to.)

Dior/Halia, I think that is a really good way to decide what behaviour is or isn't ok in each person's relationship - "anything you wouldn't be happy for your h to also do is unacceptable". Also, "coming to terms with what makes you feel bad about yourself" - Therapy is helping with this but I'm obviously not 'cured' yet.

OlyOly, I do want to try to improve myself so I feel more proud of myself, and impressed by myself, so I don't feel like looking for other men to make me feel they are (temporarily) impressed by me.

BlaDeBla/GirlNextDoor, It's interesting what you say because yesterday my Therapist said I am finding ways to hurt/punish myself because I still feel I should have done more to stop the people who sexually abused me. I'm not sure whether he is right or not. I think I was 1. trying to feel wanted, 2. subconsciously getting revenge for small acts of rejection from DH in the past which I wouldn't let go (see other post). Therapist said I was using what he did to take out my pain on him for how my parents made me feel rejected and 3. I feel so angry with people from my childhood but can't hurt them like I feel like doing, so I don't know what to do with the anger and it can make me behave self destructively. I WANT people to be horrible to me on MN. I WANT to work so hard in the gym that it really hurts etc.

Alternatively, I am just a slag

now that you have some insight into what is going on, you should really try to break the addiction- and that's what it is. You will only win this by changing your behaviour. I am sure you have a good therapist, but what he/she needs to work with you on is CBT- so you actually change the way you behave- and your emotions will follow.

It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that it is not my fault that my father is a nutter and beat me up. It took a long time to realise that I am really not like him like that and that he has his own problems which are not mine.

For me, it was a great relief that I no longer had to get drunk on someone else's account.

There is a v. helpful organisation called NACAP. You may find it helpful to reach out and contact them. NSPCC may have some helpful advice too.

I slept with a lot of different men, but still only had sex about 4 times a year

secret slapper, imho you are responding to the abuse you suffered because you had no control over what happenned to you, on soem level it is possible that you expect all men to want you therefor eif they don't or you feel you are not getting the attention when you are out you put yourself in situations that will get the attention your mind/body feels is good enough for it.
Whildt you are therapy differnt feelings will come to the surface if you can try not to go wout not to drink and avoid putting yourself in these positions which ultimatley make you feel guilty but also reinforce your mindset that you are only valuable for sex.
take care you can work through this just take steps to protect yourself from the negative images your abusers have left you with.