Please help me stop being a slapper (long, sorry)

[SecretSlapper]

I have a good marriage and 2 DCs, it isn't perfect, but nothing so wrong that I would have an excuse to do what I've done.

I have 'emotional issues' from childhood which make me crave the feeling of being wanted and getting some attention. What DH gives me should be enough, but when somebody else gives me a bit of attention I find it really really hard to resist.

Throughout our relationship I have talked dirty with other men, cuddled them, fondled them, occassionally kissed them, then last year it all went too far with a man and I slept with him, fell in love with him, got really hurt because he regretted losing control and doing something immoral and put a stop to it. Missing him still hurts now and I had vowed to myself not to get physically close to another man apart from DH because I'd proved to myself I couldn't be trusted to have self control and I don't want to hurt like this over another man.

I am seeing a therapist about all my childhood stuff and we had talked about OM as well and I was starting to feel a bit better about him and more in control. I was feeling better about all my issues, but now I feel like I'm going through another phase in the therapy where I am feeling angry, hurt, unloved, unloveable etc all over again. My behaviour with other men does seem to get worse when something sparks off all this stuff.

Anyway, I thought I wouldn't behave like this anymore and hate the thought of my therapist thinking badly of me (when I tell him because I will feel I should tell him), but the other night I went out, had a few drinks (usually alcohol involved), saw a man I found attractive, talked to him, told him I was married with kids, half hoping he would be put off enough that he would be the one with self control and nothing wrong would happen, but he wasn't put off and we ended up snogging. He was suggesting we do more and I had just enough self control to decide to leave with my girl friend at that point before I did anything worse.

But I am SO ashamed of myself. It worries me that I want to do these things and don't honestly feel that I won't do it again. It feels like an addiction and the more I do it the more I want to do it.

I feel so guilty for DH when apart from a few minor things most people would see him as being a good, stable, loving, caring, hard working husband and father. Sex isn't as exciting as at the very beginning and not as frequent although we are still managing to do it occassionally, maybe once every two weeks on average. But this is not a good enough excuse to do what I do.

I'm not sure what response I want to this. A number of things:

1. I would like to know how wrong you think I am and why (be nasty to me if you think it might make me think twice about behaving like this again!).

1. Or I would like to know if you feel you can understand why I do this.

1. I would like to know at what point you think flirting, cuddling, kissing etc becomes wrong and cheating.

1. And do you have any advice for how I can be a better person

your marriage vows were surely to forsake all others? that's why it's wrong.

i think you're suffering from low self esteem and are looking for validation in others that you are attractive, desirable etc.

i think a bit of counselling would help.

she isn't happy in herself, waffletrees.

Oh, that makes it fine to devestate her DH and DCS. Being unhappy with yourself does not give you the right to drag everyone down with you. We don't give pity to men who treat their wives like this so I don't think women should expect any allowances.

I find nothing wrong with divorce when everyone is unhappy. However, I think it is best to leave an unhappy marriage first and then have your fun not the other way around.

But I think if someone's dh came on here saying how ashamed he was with himself and asking for help, I would try and extend some compassion.

Waffletrees of course you're entitled to your own opinion but your posts are unhelpful and unneccessary and I would advise the OP to ignore them.

SS for one please don't call yourself that I HATE names such as slapper and slag etc that are bestowed on women particularly when there's no make equivalent. you've identifies that you behave the way you do because of feelings of emptiness and chronic low self-esteem this does not make you a bad person, self-awareness is a positive first step.

some of the adolescent girls I work with in CAMHS describe these exact same themes, feelings of emptiness or a "void" inside and self-validation only through affection and acceptance from (often unsuitable) others. Their behaviour is self-destructive either by promiscuity, drug/alcohol taking or self-harm. We work on 2 levels both looking at underlying schema but also looking at skills and problems solving to enable them to help themselves feel accepted and validated and maybe fill that horrible empty feeling so we try to do practical stuff too ( carrying round a list of positive self-statements for example when they find themselves in risky situations).

I think there's some good advice on here, stick with the therapist, and stay away from the booze. It increases your risk significantly.

Also echoing another poster hang around with helpful friends not those who permit this type of behaviour! I have a friend in was in a long term relationship who used to do this when out nonetheless and I made it quite clear when we had "words" one eve that I still wanted to be mates with her but not be privy to this sort of behaviour. She respected what I'd said, we still went out and had good times but no copping off. You need to be with mates who'll make sure their disapproval stops you!! Sounds a bit strict but it works!

I hope things get better for you soon. x

Waffle, if you'd read the OP, you'd see that it starts "I have a good marriage". She isn't unhappy with her husband. I don't think divorce is the answer here. Neither is anyone condoning what she has done. Trying to understand and offer solutions is not condoning.

Secretslapper, I know where you are coming from. I myself suffer from similar self-esteem issues and have felt the temptation of the kind of scenarios you describe. Before marrying dh I was very promiscuous and loved the thrill of a new encounter, and if I am honest, I sometimes miss it now. But I know that the a day or two of excitement is not worth a lifetime of love with my dh.

In the early days of my relationship with dh, before we got married, I had a couple of 'near misses' with men I got close to but then pulled back from the brink of infidelity. Once I decided to commit to dh I had to shut myself off from temptation - I broke off all contact with exes I had stayed 'friends' with, drifted away from 'platonic' male friends, cultivated lots of new female friendships - and I made lots of effort to inject excitement and flirtation into my marriage or find it harmlessly elsewhere through a little judicious use of porn.

Onebatmother and others have offered great advice - I haven't much to add, but you know yourself the answers to your questions, and stopping this behaviour can only come from within you. Keep up with the therapy, draw a line under the past, look to the future and be who you know you can be.

ok i havent read all the replys so apoligies if im repeating anyone. what you are doing is wrong, but then you already know that yourself, yes i do understand why u do it, its because of your troublesome childhood, being wanted by these men boosts your almost non exsistent self esteem, but once the deed is done you are left with a horrible feeling of guilt which then makes you feel worthless again which in turn makes you want to feel better about yourself by seeking admiration from men. it is a vicious circle which u need to break, which u CAN break, u need to STOP going out, only drink alcohol when you are at home with dh, yes i know it sounds hard and u would be giving up your social life, but if yoiu carry on like this u will be giving up alot more than your social life and u will go on full scale self destruct. good luck and sorry bout the bad gramamr and spelling mistakes

waffletrees- if all you can do is point the finger and sound sanctimonious, the keep quiet.

The last thing anyone needs when they are asking for help and already KNOW what they are doing is wrong, is for someone like you to be critical.

There is no evidence that the Op has "devastated" her husband or her children- where on earth did you find evidence of that in her posts?

You need to improve your empathy skills and actually LISTEN to what the other person is saying, rather than preaching.

I'm sorry, but your posts have made me very angry on behalf of the OP. Obviously you have NEVER been in a position where your own behaviour has been less than perfect.

Well a post like this will always bring out a shrieking chorus of monogamy fascists, but you can and should ignore the sillier posts. I think whoever advised you to try a female therapist was offering good advice: some basic feminist reading might help too. Because I think the core of your problem might be that you think only men and male approval can validate you, which is something many women suffer with, whether they want the validation from lots of different men or just one particular one. Does your DH value you as a person, and for your particular skills? Does he encourage you to achieve things that are not just about servicing the family ie does he see you as a person or just as a Woman (ie there for cooking, cleaning, childcare and sex). I don't know what your skills are, but they are worth digging out and developing. Good luck.

Perhaps the answer is simpler than you think, you are beating yourself up, and having an awful time of it. Rather than you being a terrible person perhaps you are just unattracted to your husband and are craving some passion. Perhaps you are with the wrong person which is why he isn't interesting you. Just stop drinking until you sort your head and emotions out.

SS, I think it's brave of you to put this to an open forum. It's behaviour people expect more of men than of women I think.

It sounds to me like you know exactly what is going on with yourself. It's all about self esteem it seems to me. The attention/excitement is impossible for you to resist somehow. Maybe your childhood issues had a sexual element?

I think the only way to tackle it is to be much more compassionate to yourself. Only you can care for yourself enough to stop this behaviour. It sounds like you may risk what sounds like a precious relationship for behaviour that isn't really addressing the issue at all.

Keep picturing losing your relationship if you continue, Address your lack of self-esteem. Be kind to yourself. Do something that boosts your confidence. Keep up with the therapy. Maybe look at some kind of support group.

This kind of behaviour can change if you approach yourself with compassion not judgement, imo! Take care of yourself.

Perhaps you should end your relationship, stop drinking and get your head together without the guilt. Have a look at transactional analysis, I'd probablt get another therapist, you just need to build your self esteem.

Hypnotherapy is very effective.

Not sure if hypnotherapy would help self-esteem, tbh- but NLP or coaching would.

it's very similar, it's just re-wiring your brain on a sub-consious level.

Hi Daphne- you are another one who needs to a) use your imagination -"why get married and fuck around" and b) show some compassion.

I hope that everyone who preaches can say they have never done any thing wrong in their lives- sexual misbehaviour just being one part of our lives.

If you are so lacking in empathy, can I spellit out to you- the OP came here to ask WHY she felt the need to "fuck around" as she is married- she didn't ask for your judgement of her.

She WAS asking for help.

Agree that it's very harsh, as she obviously is deeply sad and unhappy and regretful and hurting herself more than anyone else. Shame on you for being so self righteous.

I watched a documentary about Ulrika Jonsonns problem with sex addiction.
Sad problem for her relating to her upbringing.
Sounds similar in a way to your problem and agree with others that you need to build your self esteem up.

Sorry no help really just wanted to add my support.

Thank you all for your posts so far. I'm really touched by people defending me against the judgemental posts. I also read the judgemental posts and even if they aren't offering useful solutions I think "fair comment".

I can see a lot more clearly than before that it is a lot to do with self esteem. And that I have been disrespecting of myself, the men and DH and DCs.

I do have some good female friends who I can talk to about most things and can see it would be more healthy to look to them for what I need, and DH.

I do have a couple of hobbies which I go to two evening classes per week for, with DH's support as well. I should maybe put more into my hobbies.

I think it is true that I look more to men than women for what I need. I was badly let down by females in my early life - don't know whether this has anything to do with it. I was sexually abused (by males) - don't know if this has anything to do with it except might have made me oversexualised. Sexual contact was the most human connection I seemed to get and the first person who I felt loved me was my first boyfriend. It seems to be the way I feel closest to a person, but I can see I should focus more on connecting by communication. I think there is a bit of a feeling that nobody will be interested in me for just being me so I need to offer them something more to keep their attention as well.

I wish you well, I think you've taken the first step to making changes in your life and have begun a journey. I have overcome my own issues through hypnotherapy, it changed my life, my perception of myself and the world. Whatever the causes you need to invest in yourself and be kind to yourself. Good luck.

SS

I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say you were abused, and that this could be behind your behaviour. In your mind there is obviously a lot of deeply conflicting emotions about sex, love and self-worth- it needs a psychoanalyst/psychotherapist to help you- so keep up your counselling and make sure that the counsellor is specialised in this area.

Have you sought help from organisations who counsel abused people?

I don't think for a moment you are "oversexualised"- I think you ARE suffering from a loss of self-worth, which is all too common with abused people.

Good luck!

It sounds a bit as though you are behaving in quite a self-destructive way. Is it the guilt and worthlessness that you're after? Have you tried any relationship councelling? It may be helpful.

It's nice when other men take an interest. For myself, I've only just started to notice, but really, I would just end up in the same relationship that I'm in already.

Well done for getting into therapy. It is very hard to long to feel loved. Another man won't do it, really - you'll end up in the same place - and one night stands are really pretty crap (tried and tested). I hope I'm not sounding rude and judgemental. There are other agencies which deal with specific things that have happened. Perhaps your therapist could guide you.

For me it all depends on what promises you have made to your partner. In my relationship flirting, the odd snog and a cuddle is all OK for us BOTH. But we've actually sat down and agreed that and we check in every year in case one of us wants things to be different.
I've also been in a fully open relationship in the past.
If this is outside of your relationship promsies then you are doing somethign wrong. How wrong? well how badly are you hurting your partner? would your infaithfulness led them to a breakdown? suicide? mental health and self esteem issues?

Are you taking risks with STD's and passing those onto your partner? If so you might want to consider that cases have been succesfully brought for GBH or ABH against people who knowingly put their partners at risk of STD's and withhold information from their partners that would enable them to make a choice.

I would shift to a different therapist, regardless of how much progress you think you've made if you are wanting to impress them you ave a child/parent relationship going on which is another form of your self esteem issues. Even if you don't see your therapist in a sexual light you are sitll playing out the relationship issues you have with them in the dominant role of giving or withholding affection/respect.

Stop going out, if you can't be trusted to go out without your DH then maybe you should just stay in for a while.

Stay off alchohol and FGS get some friends who will stop you from being a slag in public! I can't imagine going out somewhere with my friends who woudl just sit by and watch me flirt/snog/get off with another person knowing my DH was at home with our son.

If all this fails imagine your daughters in a few years time seeing their mom caught on candid camera, make up running, pissed as a newt, skirt hiked up, getting groped up by some strange bloke.

I feel terrible for you. You know what you are doing is wrong, you don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you that.

You are in counseling, which is great. However, you need to stay out of tempting situations. Do not go out drinking, esp with 'friends' who allow you to get too close to other men. Perhaps you can have a night out with your husband?

Your husband deserves better. You deserve to be proud of yourself instead of ashamed. If you can't trust yourself, then just stay out of potentially bad situations.