How to deal with DP who sulks?

[PatienceRequired]

Just that really....whenever we have a disagreement, he sulks. It can be for days....i used the follow him around like a puppy dog trying to resolve it as i have never dealt with a sulker before. I feel that this made his sulk more worthwhile for him.

I then reduced my puppy dog behaviour to ignoring the sulk and talking normally to him, only to get basic answers and for the sulk to gradually wear away over the course of a few days.

I have grown in confidence in this relationship and where before i would have questioned if i was in the wrong this time i know i am right, and even if i wasn't i dont think that this method ever resolves the problem. it is after all the same dispute we have time and time again.

I said this to him, this morning and he is refusing to budge, either on the not sulking or on the issue that caused us to row in the first place. The childish immature part of me wants to ignore him too, even down to not cooking any dinner etc, for him but i cant stand that kind of behaviour and couldn't do it. What would you do next?

my dh can be a bit of a sulker, when he is behaving like a prat, not speaking, huffing etc i usually say that 'darling, i love you, but no amount of sulking with me is going to change what i think, so take your miserable face and fuck off out cos im tired of looking at it!'

works a treat

Can I just add that the whole "It drives me nuts when you are sulking because xxxx" conversation has to happen (if you want a two way, rational, conversation) when he is not sulking. When not sulking my DH is capable of being teased about sulking and acknowledges that (a) he does it and (b) it's childish and he shouldn't. When actually in a sulk he will be adamant that he is (a) not sulking and (b)being entirely reasonable.

..from which you might gather that I have not entirely resolved this issue, but he is getting better and I have got to the stage when I say "just tell me when you have finished sulking" and then walk away - mostly (sometimes I scream at him instead ).

Awww ladies thank you so much for your posts. Its so good to know that i am not the only one suffering this childish behaviour!

Day 4 and so the sulk continues!!!!

My current response is to put his dinner on the table, and when i make my routine cuppa once littlies in bed i ask if he wants one as i always do, and apart from that there is no communication whatsoever!

how long can this go on for??
What are your longest experiences?

And the worst part is knowing that even once the sulk finishes, we will still both be adamant about the issue that caused it in the first place and so it continues until it builds and builds inside me again and i pull him up on it. So the cause will never be sorted. He is so stubborn, and i can compromise but he needs to on this one.

I love your one-liner jesus but think if i say this it will reinforce the behaviour even more.

Had a dip into men are from mars and frankly it was scarily close to the bone and i haven't had a chance to read it properly but it is definetly something i need to read. I got the impression from it tho that it is up to the woman to understand the communication differences and for the woman to make all the changes to their behaviour. Any opinions on this anyone? (as i said i have only dipped into it so far...)

My dh managed 10 days once. Then he forgot he was sulking and kissed me, and then had the cheek to say "shouldn't have done that, I'm supposed to be sulking" . What a CHILD!

He seems to sulk less since I screamed at him in frustation that I felt like a single mum with a toddler and a stroppy teenager, and then told him the same again calmly after the sulk finished. But he has finally worked out that sulking doesn't get him his own way with me (I suspect it always has and always will with MIL).

your comment about men are from mars.

yes, it is close to the bone, very accurate and helps you understand alot of what goes on around you. But... as you say in the end, it seems, it's up to the woman to read the blardy book, understand it, and make it all better.

The stupid thing is it even works. And the only defence I can think of, of the book, is that it works. I would say that anything that can make us more assertive in a PRODUCTIVE way cannot be a bad thing!! I do believe that the book does teach some assertiveness.

However, women are the pleasers it's our legacy and we often drown in resentment because of it. At least this book helps you to recognise resentment for what it is and take some control back.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. On third glass of wine.

I didn't read that much of the book, but took in the bit about understanding his behaviour, rather than modifying my own behaviour . Or rather I'd modify my behaviour so that I'd ignore his bad behaviour, rather than follow him round trying to sort it out, which works better.

Day 5....

And so the sulk still continues!
roskva, your story is funny, if only it could end that way but soon.
Peterduck, yes our floors are covered in eggshells it feels at times.
re the contributing to my daily life, i can see your point but i do feel that by going to work to earn money to pay the bills he is contributing. He is doing his usual bit around the house and if the baby woke in the night and he heard her before i did he would get up to her. And also i'm cooking for 3 others and if i didnt make his then i would be as childish as him. I refuse to bow down to that level tbh.

Havent got around to any more of the book yet. but from your comments i will make special effort. maybe a long soak in the bath tonight with book and drink.

I know.... i'll talk to the bath toys, at least they wont sulk!!! lol

bloody hell PR - on a serious note, my dm suffered years of this behaviour from my grandad, it has damaged her in SOOOO many ways, he would sulk for MONTHS over the most ridiculous things - as a result she has has found it very hard to show affection and love to me, my dbs and my father, she 'learnt' that if things didn't go her way she should ignore us and to a greater or lesser extent cut her love off towards us. it has taken nearly 60 years for her to finally realise that sulking is destructive/childish and unproductive.

please tell your dh what i have said (when he is not sulking)because for now his family forgive this behaviour but he will find that if he carries it on, sooner or later your dcs will give up on a relationship with him and you will end up treating him with contempt! this happened to my grandad and would have happened to my mum had she not sought help to end her reaction to any disagreement.

Hmmm sobering thought jesus what next! Will think about that one if we get that far.

Right now i just cant see how this will end. it dosent feel like he is going to budge, or that he gives a sh!t. i feel so lonely, cross, fed up and frustrated. Just want a cuddle from him and some indication that he is prepared to see someone elses point on this.

I know exactly how you feel, Patience, and I know it's no consolation but I'm sending you a hug. Hang on in there, and give your dcs lots of love and cuddles.

Ahh, I've read men are from Mars and its all to do with men going into 'their caves'. Apparently when men are upset or worried or sulking, they go into their cave and they do not like to be coaxed out. They have to come out in their own good time. Women are the oppostite, they like to be followed and coaxed out...so....in a nutshell, ignore the bugger until he comes out of it

I have a sulker of a DH too...its a pita but I just carry on..well, I call him a twat first and then carry on

are you able to go out in the evenings? any girlie friends you could phone up and go out for a meal with? I keep out of the way as much as pos, going out, doing work, in bath, anywhere I can keep dh at arms length when he is sulking. Show him what a fab time I continue to have while he sits and sulks by himself

I'm with morocco, ignore him and get on with your life until he snaps out of - that's what I do with mine.

That said he did have a whopper in the run up to Xmas 2005 and keep it up for about 3 1/2 weeks - I think threatening divorce might have done the trick in the end!

Threatening divorce worked in my case too.
DH used to be a major league sulker, it would last for days on end and I used to carry on with life regardless, it made me very unhappy though. During one mega sulk I told him I was not prepared to put up with his behaviour any longer, he was behaving worse than a toddler blah, blah ,blah and then said I would file for divorce. Since I had never said anything like that before (or since) he knew I was being serious and started crying and apologising. Although he still sulks it is nothing like it used to be and he has improved considerably since DS (now 8 years) is on the scene.
I will certainly try to get a copy of Men are from Mars sent out to me, sounds like and enlightening read.

Day 6 and no change.

Well i say no change but i think he mumbled thank you when i put his dinner on the table last night i did not respond in any way.

Later on i couldnt hear him mooching about and then realised the car had gone off the drive and could only assume he had gone out. A part of me felt like ringing the police to say the car had been stolen but the grown up part of me took over, and realised what a waste of police time it would be.

Have read some more of men from mars and struggling to get over the emphasis on how its up to the women to understand and change behaviour while he carries on being so immature. Perhaps my mind set just isn't open enough at the moment due to the current situation.

Thanks for the hug roskva, i need some at the moment.

morocco, as it ihappens i have plans to take my eldest out to a school play tonight, and i'm on a girly night tomorrow night. These plans were made ages ago and fit in well. On Saturday we are supposed to be going to a wedding, but our usual sitter cant sit for us, normally i would have tried to make other arrangements but we have had no discussion about it so he can go on his own. its his cousins wedding who i havent met yet so not too pushed really but it would be nice if this could be sorted and we could have a nice evening together.

I had a rant to myself in the mirror this am imagining he was in it! i usually find this helps me say what i want to say, and helps me calm down a bit. i have done this since i was a child, my friend thinks i'm mad, i cant be the only one who does this am i?

Its just so draining living like this......and lonely.

mC three and half weeks OMG!!!!

I may kill him by then!!!!!

cant threaten divorce as we are not married, and i really dont want to split up....i love him (mostly)

Can you demonstrate how annoying his behaviour is by going on holiday (or go and stay elsewhere) for a week and not tell him?

Big sympathies to you, I wouldn't be able to hack this at all.

I'd have to ignore - that's the only way I can handle sulking.

What is your dp sulking about? If he's unable to articulate what it is, perhaps a bit of external help may be useful, for one or other of you or even for both of you. Sulking is a very manipulative, unpleasant and destructive behaviour. It's rubbish for the kids too!
here's the Relate website. I hope I'm not jumping the gun and interfering.

BB- i would love a holiday for a week somewhere but i have three littlies 5 and under so no,i couldn't really- no money, still at school etc. And again question if that would be giving in???

Choc child i am doing my best to ignore, but keep having to rant at the mirror! Tbh i have nearly got what i fell like screaming at him in a cool calm sentence that puts him in his box but in a "men from mars" acceptable fashion.

BlaDeBla he is sulking because i pulled him up on how he treats my DD, (not his) I feel he is sometimes too harsh and he is always ready to pounce on her and tell her off. Basically he dosent like her but its not like she is a top he dosent like that i can discard. She is only 5 ffs, he should behave like an adult.
His daughter (21years) was here this evening and told me to carry on ignoring him that i was doing the right thing, and basically called him an arse. She agrees he is out of order with dd. That was really reassuring.

Apparantly her mum pandered to his sulking for 20 odd years doing the puppy dog following around "please talk to me" thing, so i have to undo all that.

This may take some time.

I would go to relate in a shot but dont think i have a hope in hells chance of getting him there.

Meanwhile me and the mirror are starting a beautiful relationship.

Well, if his own daughter shares your view, then at least she isn't going to egg him on in his marathon sulk. It sounds like she understands the destructiveness of sulking, and won't pander to it either. But changing the habits of a lifetime is not easy.

Day 7 and so it continues...

So bored of it now, and the weekend is coming so more time together to notice it and the kids are sure to pick up on it. Why cant he just grow up?

I am swaying between breaking down in floods of tears, and screaming at him. Fgs i have three kids already, i dont need a fourth.....

Roskva, his dd says that when he sulks with her she just ignores and it drives him potty. (As i type this i realise that i am actually talking about a 44 yr old man sulking with his daughter???? Seriously how is that right/normal and how on earth has it evolved to that??? )

This time though i am determined that once he is out of his sulk i will not let the original issue drop. He usually just gradually starts to talk a bit more each day. I want a serious "this is how we can both agree on treatment of DD" chat and resolution. It has to happen or we will just reach this point time and time again.

I just worry that if he wont compromise, if it will have to be the end of us but i dont want it to be. And i really dont think it needs to be the end, but as i have said before he is so god damn stubborn.

pr - please go back to my previous post re my mum and her father, it sounds like his own dd is beginning to treat her df with a certain amount of contempt.

you know your dd is more important to you than some arse of 44 who behaves like a spoilt child - i think he needs to understand that as well!, i htink in your position i would be telling him it was now make or break time - grow up, behave like a man or leave. DO NOT spend the next 20 years tiptoeing round him and moods, let some other daft bugger do that!

Hi,

My partner is a real classic. He gets moody over lots of things and his sulking drives me mad. Like lots of you, I used to try and put things right, trying to cheer him up and blaming myself for it all. Nothing worked and after anything from 3 days to 2-3 weeks he'll slowly come back to normal and act as if nothing has happened. If i ever asked why he was still quite after a few days, suddenly it was my fault!!! He says that if I'm quite and ignoring him why would he want to talk to me, look me inthe eye etc. I feel bad then and take the blame and end up apologising. I feel so bruised and exhausted after theses episodes and sadly my love and passion for him dips a little lower each time