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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

when he wont marry

59 replies

wishing1 · 13/07/2008 02:48

My guy and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have lived together for 2. When we were together the first 1 1/2 years he talked about getting married and having a child, we are both older, he is 41 and I am 40 just turned 40 last week last year he told me that he never wants to marry anyone, that too many of his friends are getting divorced and he just doesn't want to ever take the chance and he does not want children, they take too much time and responsibility. I want to be married not date someone for life. I am also 40 and really want to have a child, it is hard that I must leave because there is no changing his mind, we have argued and talked this entire year about it and I cannot give another 4 years as I think I will be missing out on maybe meeting Mr. Right and having a child, I don't have too many biologic years left and I am angry that he wasted 4 of them...it's hard to leave when you live with someone, I need some strength to make up my mind and get out....help, any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 13/07/2008 19:53

i dont know he started seeing someone after 6 weeks whether they are still together i dont know

i started the process to have a child with donor eggs abroad using his sperm but he wouldnt come back and live with me or guasrantee to be with us so i had to abandon the idea

it was last year as far as i know he hasnt got a child yet

if he had said he really wanted children earlier in our relationship then im sure it would have been possible but unfoprtunately he didnt decide he wanted kids until we had lsot 8 years

nkf · 13/07/2008 19:54

That's sad.
I'm sorry.

girlnextdoor · 13/07/2008 19:54

zippi- I think you miss the point- the compromise is between marrying the right man, even if he doesn't share your desire to have kids, and not marrying him.

For some women - or men- they love the person and accept that they feel differently- but for others it is too big an issue to disagree on.

A lot of people marry without even having a cut-and-dried opinion anyway-they both feel a bit ambivalent, or one feels more maternal/paternal than the other.

Anyway- this is not answering the OP- I think she ought to decide what is right for her. I am tempted to believe that the not wanting to marry and have kids is a cop-out for not feeling the same about her- as he did want them originally. Or- he could have simply changed his mind- many men of 40 don't want kids once they are set in their ways.

nkf · 13/07/2008 19:56

If you want a baby and he doesn't, he isn't the right man for you. That would be my view.

zippitippitoes · 13/07/2008 19:57

i read the op as wanting a child and wanting to be married

i thought the former was essential

and there isnt a compromisde if you want a child or at least to try for one

i didnt get that she would be happy if she got married and didnt have a child

girlnextdoor · 13/07/2008 20:06

zippi- she might not be- you could be right- but I wrote that so that she could THINK about the option!

We can never tell anyone what to do- and if we try, it just confuses them all the more- what we can do here is to show people there are options and choices, and compromises, possibly- then they can weigh it all up.

If it were me- and it isn't- I could not compromise on the baby thing- but we arent' her- so we can only help her see that it may not be quite so black and white as she thinks- or it might well be-it is her choice.

zippitippitoes · 13/07/2008 20:13

well i think what i was trying to say is that people do leave a partner when they are still happy together in order to have children with an unknown other person

i have been left and i am saying that she shouldnt feel guilty at making the decision to leave

but it will need her to be very focussed on her mission if she wants a new partner and a child

it will possibly be hard it may of course all fall into place if she is lucky

but if she doesnt try she may always regret it

Acinonyx · 13/07/2008 20:20

girlnext door - I was making ncf's point. The reason is important.

Zippi is right too. It's a tough call to meet someone AND have kids starting at 40. I was very lucky to have dd at 43 (and can't have another) - you can't bank on that. If we had never had children - I would have been partly bitter and angry - but not with dh because it wasn't his choice. That's the difference. I think the if it had been his choice, the bitterness would have destroyed our marriage.

girlnextdoor · 13/07/2008 20:24

I can see all your points BUT these posts are all about YOU. you are writing about what suited YOU.

Try to step back and see that the OP is not you- she may feel differently- all I am doing is trying to let her see the options.

Acinonyx · 13/07/2008 20:28

And i am trying to see that my point is not musunderstood or misinterpreted. I didn't feel you 'got it' at all. And yes - I'm sharing my own experience in case it is helpful.

girlnextdoor · 13/07/2008 20:30

Course I got it!

zippitippitoes · 13/07/2008 20:31

girlnextdoor are you telling people how to post?

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 20:33

First of all, there is no Mr Right.

If you hold out for that you may find yourself waiting a long time. Too late, in fact.

I'd ditch him, freeze my eggs and look for a gay man or couple who want to co-parent. What can be better than two people (or three) who desperately want a child?

After my divorce when I was 30 - he never wanted kids and, as he was 35, I believed him!, I dropped men who after a few months or weeks of dating said, 'I never want to marry or have kids.' Because we were never going to be compatible in the long-term and I wasn't interested in just seeing how it panned out anymore. I'd already been down that road before.

My ex H had a vasectomy and later remarried a woman who never wanted kids herself and had been sterilised by choice before she met him.

I found DH, married, have two daughters and we're expecting our first son in October.

If you were my daughter, I'd want you to go for what you really want - which is to try to have kids.

girlnextdoor · 13/07/2008 20:34

I am saying, zippi, that because of the work I do, I have learned not to say what happened to work for me in a relationship, but to ask the other person what would work for them.

Don't be offended- you sound a bit miffed

zippitippitoes · 13/07/2008 20:36

i just find it odd being told how to post

we all approach things differently dont we

girlnextdoor · 13/07/2008 20:43

zippi- i WAS NOT saying how to post- you are over reacting - I was saying that sometimes it is better to ask the OP poster questions- that is not the same as telling you what to post- though I can see you might think it is. And even if it WAS what I meant- would that be a terrible thing? To say that personal experiences CAN be helpful but sometimes they aren't? Why would that be an issue for anyone?

Original poster

wishing1 · 14/07/2008 04:12

Wow, I am sooo impressed with so much feedback you guys are wonderful!!! The first 18 months he wanted to get me pregnant and marry me after the fact and I refused to do it fearing being a single mother. I was also doing some post board exams for my job and it was not the time. I was always afraid of getting married and knew that someday I would marry and have a family and have met nothing but selfish men. I have worked with a guy for many years who recently divorced last year over something similar (she had 3 kids and he wanted one of his own and she would not have one)...it's funny because I always thought he was goodlooking, nice, and he was a good husband to her, she was unfair to him and promised him a kid early on as well!! He is interested in me and me in him but I feel sad at giving up 4 1/2 years and I don't want to break my bf's heart but since he doesn't want the total committment, am I really breaking his heart. When I ask him what he wants with me, he says things are fine the way they are...for him they are...for me NO. I want a baby and a husband, I want the package and if I can't have any, I want to adopt and be married. My bf will not discuss anything. When I say to him, my clock is running out, give me a yes or no, he says I'm not going to be pressured, it has nothing to do with you, it's me...and I say..why did you tell me early on knowing what I wanted and then lead me on and change your mind. We dated for 2 years until I would move in with him and I told him that I wouldn't move in unless he wanted to get married in the future, he said ok...he I am 2 1/2 years into living together with a total of 4 1/2 years and the relationship has gone backwards, he has NEVER said he loves me, he said he is not an emotional person and I should just "know" that he does, he should not ever have to tell me, I say that's wrong, I need to hear it, he just quits talking at that point. 2 years ago he told a friend that we would be engaged before they would, they are married and she gave birth to their first child last week, WTF!!!! I brought this up and he said, it's not my problem. I had bloodwork done last year and my doc told me that I have an abundance of good eggs left, I also had a scan done during the time of ovulation and everything looked great, so chances are good for me but not for too many more years. Maybe I should leave and be with the man at work, hell we've known eachother for years anyway, who knows.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 14/07/2008 08:01

OMFG you are worried about breaking the heart of a man so utterly selfish that he says that HIS decision about whether to have kids has nothing to do with you?

So when you were first together and getting pregnant wouldn't have been convenient he wanted to knock you up? But now that it's what you want he "won't be pressured"?

And he wanted to get you pregnant on the promise that he'd marry you afterwards? Presumably on his terms, since he'd have you over a pretty major barrel at that point?

Sounds like control issues to me. Especially when backed up with the fact that he refuses to tell you he loves you. Withholding the words is classic low-level manipulation - you are always the needier party because you can't EVER fully relax in a relationship with someone who may or may not love you.

I just don't get the whole thing of "giving 4 1/2 years". Giving up 4 1/2 years that are already past and can't be taken back seems a lot more sensible than giving up your chance of having children and finding a man who loves you too much to expect you to just intuit it without ever being told.

get out, get out, get out.

If you are interested in this man at work, why not explore things with him?

Sobernow · 14/07/2008 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlnextdoor · 14/07/2008 08:34

I wish I could re-write the previous posts I left- now that I know the whole story.

This man is offering you nothing - he doesn't even say he loves you? Exactly WHAT are you getting out of this relationship?

Please leave him- his emotional well-being is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY- he is selfish and will have to bear the consequences.

Good luck with the other man- sounds as if that could work!

Beetroot · 14/07/2008 08:39

If you want you want to have a child leaving him seems the best answer.

and geton with it

don't rely on the other man though - he may b e ona rebound/smell etc

moopymoo · 14/07/2008 08:39

Get out. Really, there is a better life for you. It might be with the guy at work, it might well not, but your future happiness will be RUINED if you stay with your partner. It will be hard, there will be tears and arguements but then you will be free to be in control of your own destiny. I think that if you stay, you are probably just delaying the inevitable as if this was me (and i realise we are all different) I would become eaten up with resentment if subsequently the chance to have children passed.

Beetroot · 14/07/2008 08:40

and thenhe left you and had a child with someone younger - oh yes it happens!

SSSandy2 · 14/07/2008 08:43

could you envisage moving out with the aim of looking for a dp who you could have dc with? You need not be nasty about it or break off all ties with dp if you are not ready for that. But I think it is fair to say, I care about you and I did think we would stay together but having a dc is so important to me that I have to leave now. Then just do it fast.

By all means go out with this guy from the office and see how you get on. Maybe you have been a bit picky (?) in the past since you were 38 when you wanted to settle down with dp. I think expat is right in a way there is no absolute Mr Right but there are a few rightish ones and you need to put some work into it. You can't wait around for someone who has no flaws at all because they aren't out there.

Good luck. Keep in mind though when dp wanted a dc and talked about marriage, you weren't ready and were wary of marriage itself. now the tables have turned and he has all the doubts, doesn't mean he is 100% Mr Bad Guy. Maybe the shock of you leaving will make him think about how important you are to him and if he doesn't want to risk marriage/dc after all

Acinonyx · 14/07/2008 08:48

i have a favourite Turkish proverb for these situations: No matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back.

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