Why is it always left upto me???

[spudcounter]

..to do the finances, negotiate with the builder without giving away our life's savings, organise the holiday, do the packing for the family, deal with insurance, car stuff, kids' health concerns and school, clean up, deal with plumber, electrician, plasterer, wash and iron clothes, organise our social life (we wouldn't have one otherwise), 'maintain' our relationship, and do the f*ing DIY!..it's really getting me down..do other people's dhs take a reasonable share of things that need doing??

ahh my niece is lovely so i do understand your point. she could be left alone to play quietly and have no problems. but my dd1 in particular is a horror when she sets her mind to it!!

im fairly sure that my two are not the only dcs that need constant supervision in order to ensure that they are not killing each other or anyone else!!

they are both very active, dd1 in particular. dd2 is just curiuos i suppose and in a play group setting i would imagine that she would be fine, so long as there were no doors she could escape through or no fires she could dismantle. we shall see anyway as i am going to a party in soft play area later today, and im sure that i will come back in need of a break and large bottle of wine!!!

though i admit that sunny days are spent in my nans garden with dd2 eating grass and soil and dd1 generally reeking havoc!!! thats my breaks.

and as if to prove my point dd1 has arrived back from her sleepover and turned the tv up as loud as it will go!!!!! well off we go again!

UQD is being perfectly reasonable. Negotiation is required. It is of course the detail of that negotiation, and the entrenched positions of the negotiators that make this fun which is where UQD's detractors come in.

TBH there is always conflict in this, and negotiating it is a never-ending hassle. Some of it comes down to different views of what actually needs to be done, or different standards....I get nagged for "never doing any housework". In fact when I do stuff it's generally stuff like scrubbing out the shower tray or cleaning the toilets because he doesn't notice they need it and they are minging. He picks things up off the floor and does the vacuuming which makes the place look superficially better and thinks he is doing it all because he hasn't noticed that the funny smell emanating from the bathroom has disappeared and his feet no longer stick to the kitchen floor....generally we rub along OK but I am always, always in the wrong. I am the one who works, he is at home. Both kids have been in full time school for 4 years now.

I could deal with all of this with a smile but jeez, the one thing that really bugs me is that when he takes time off, he says nothing but expects me to arrange the child care. He is away on cricket tour next week, and I need to sort a school pick-up and he has done nothing about it. Now he does all the school pick-ups because I work very full time, and it is he who is not here, so would it have been sensible to either negotiate me sorting some cover, or do it himself? He has done neither, and it is always this way when he goes away. As it stands the kids will be waiting at school wondering what to do while I am very unavailable. I am going to have to beg a schoolmum to take them in for a few hours, with no hope of repaying her because I am always at work, and therefore never can.

Rant over.

My Mum's view on all of this (she was a SAHM until we were teenagers) is that, while both roles have their stresses and strains, the most difficult part of being the 'homemaker' is the lack of external recognition and reward. If you go to work, someone generally notices if you have done a good job/won a contract etc; and you are financially rewarded for doing what you do. Often SAHM/Ds work at home - alone - with no recognition, often little day-to-day job satisfaction (whatever you do one day is undone and has to be done the next) and no financial reward of their own.

What seems to be really getting to most of the people here is not just the lack of help but the lack of recognition for what they are doing for the family.

Alfreda, you said HE'S off on cricket tour so it's YOUR job to fix the school pick up?

I don't think the actual physical stuff, eg tidying up, cooking etc is my main bugbear it's as someone said, I have to do the thinking for the whole family. I would happily do all of the
housework (I am a SAHM) if dp would occasionally come up with the odd suggestion, or forsee a need and deal with it. I am just so tired of thinking about bills and budgets and uniforms etc, whilst dp gets to play wow in his spare time. (I have nothing to complain about really as Dp is really helpful and tolerant (passive )

Negotiate, definitely. Identify his weak spot first though.

ExH agreed to do ALL the chores in return for me doing all the cooking. He was happy, I was happy. Unfortunately, the marriage wasn't happy but that's another story...

I must admit to using this ploy with DP but with less success. We have unwritten rules like whoever doesn't cook has to clear the kitchen. If I get the vac out at the most inappropriate time (FA cup final or similar) he will bark, leave it I'll do it at half time (and he does).

Negotiation/manipulation is the answer.

should have read this before i started my own ranting thread

Spangle..yeah.

But, I have sorted a school pick-up with a schoolmum who he hates asking things of and doesn't much like because she is a real gossip. He is going to be really annoyed to have to owe her a favour because she will repeatedly remind him of it...hah!

I call it "woman in house syndrome"
My DH lived on his own and cooked and cleaned and did his own laundry...we move in together, and then....yep, I do all those things, for both of us, and now for DD, her reasonable excuse being, she is 4.
I did remind him he was a lazy arse, and he said "but I do appreciate you darling".

The lack of recognition is really hard I think, no one says "hey, you got the house so clean while you had morning sickness AND still had time to worm the cat!". Generally you get "you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning!" so the only feedback is by omission, never what you got right.

Similarly, no one else ever thinks about toilet paper...till it runs out.

All mothers are working mother, although some are in paid employment and some aren't.

But if you have a DH or children with a tendency to be lazy and have someone else look after them, well, they're not going to stop you are they?

However, I refuse absolutely to organise the MIL birthday card. He does that, and the mothers day flowers, although they are generally done on an "oh shit! Better send some flowers, who does them last minute???" basis.

I also refuse to pack his suitcase for him when he goes on business trips...then when he comes home I stand over him while he empties the dirty stuff into the laundry basket as I will not have a repeat of picking up the suitcase and finding 6 month old mouldy clothes in it!!!!!

Aggravatign though this behaviour undoubtedly is, I prefer it to my friends (now ex) husband, who would come in, inspect the house for dust, comment on how well (or not) she had her makeup on and complain the dishwasher was stacked incorrectly and make her restack it.

There must be a happy medium, it is just hard work getting there!

My friend writes down a list for her DH to do and he trots off and happily does them. It would never occur to him spontaneaously to do these things as I think a lot of men are blind to household tasks.

so...lowpoint of my weekend...Saturday afternoon...balancing precariously on a pitched roof, paintbrush in hand, getting rained on while the builder tells me that his wife is spending the day shopping (probably with the money I'd just given him on Friday! grrrr!)...dh in cafe waiting for the girls' ballet lessons to finish (nice work if you can get it)

I think the key to sorting this out is a non-negotiable understanding that both parents are entitled to some free time to do stuff that is purely for and aobut themselves. Because too many men (and it is nearly always men) take the attitude that because they work for pay, they can do what they like when they are not at the workplace, whereas for a SAHP weekends are just like weekdays, the meals still have to be cooked and cleared up, the DC washed and changed etc. If you have a 'traditional' DH ie one who thinks that domestic work is what women are for and that you exist for his convenience, you need to leave the children with him one day each weekend and just go out, leaving a note as to when you will be back.