Why is it always left upto me???

[spudcounter]

..to do the finances, negotiate with the builder without giving away our life's savings, organise the holiday, do the packing for the family, deal with insurance, car stuff, kids' health concerns and school, clean up, deal with plumber, electrician, plasterer, wash and iron clothes, organise our social life (we wouldn't have one otherwise), 'maintain' our relationship, and do the f*ing DIY!..it's really getting me down..do other people's dhs take a reasonable share of things that need doing??

UnquietDad are you saying that its ok for a woman to be on the go, say from 7 in the morning til 9 in the evening doing things like packed lunches, getting kids washed and dressed, taking them to school, going to the bank, doing washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and having a part time job to name but a few. And it's ok for a man to work an 8 hour day and then come home and do absolutely fuck all to help. Hmmmmmm that doesn't really seem fair to me.

You're wrong UQD. When I forgot to remind DP his mum's birthday was coming up, and he missed it, it was my problem. His mum phoned me at home (I was working - I work at home) and whinged at me about it, and then we went to see her and took a pressie and she still talked to me about how upset she'd been. OK I could just cut off all contact with his family - short of that, what do I do about her attitude? I agree I shouldn't have to remember their birthdays, but it's hell if I don't. i do what I can to make him remember, tell him to put reminders in his phone, tell him I won't do it this year etc. But when it comes to it I remind him because the shit will fall on my head.

Also:
"It is unreasonable to assume that someone who has a long-hours, demanding job will also do a great deal of the house stuff."

What do you call looking after babies and toddlers then? Some SAHMs also do housework during the day. The household admin is on top of all that. Most men I know have just as much time and space as a SHM does, when they could call a plumber or scribble a birthday card. They just (generally) don't.

And don't forget that a lot of us work OH p-t or f-t as well. Yet we're still doing this stuff.

(Apologies to any men who do do it)

fizzymum - you deliberately use an extreme example to make what would otherwise have a fair point at its core. What I am saying is that people need to decide who does what. If you have a part-time job, it isn't reasonable to do everything, but if your DH has a full-time job it isn't reasonable for him to do half. You need to come to an accommodation.

But if you have kids and you look after them UQD, yes it is reasonable for him to do half! You both get a similar amount of time off, so you should share the stuff that there is to do.

Why is it OK for one partner to work in a paid job all day and get to kick back in the evening, while the other works all day chasing toddlers, making meals, tidying up, doing the shopping, mopping up wee, comforting, disciplining and entertaining, and then in the evening they're expected to slog away at bills, birthday cards, organising house maintenance, booking holidays, DIY, car insurance blah blah blah.

Is that fair? No it's not. In fact in almost all cases I can think of, the person who is out at work has the easier working life. They get coffee breaks and lunch breaks and staring into space. A SAH parent does not.

I'm actually shocked that someone of your wit and intelligence UQD actually thinks the "but I work hard" line is valid.

If MIL blames you for forgetting the card and present from him (?!) then it sounds as if she has the problem!

Laughing at the idea of "coffee breaks" and "staring into space" for, say, teachers.

Thing is, unlike a lot of people, I've done this from all angles. I've been a SAHD, I've worked full-time, I've worked part-time, I've worked from home and done various combinations of the above.

When DD was a toddler she used to sleep for two hours every afternoon. Maybe that makes me incredibly lucky, but I remember thinking, blimey, I can put my feet up for a bit. I wouldn't get this at work.

I haven't said it's OK for someone to take on all of the things you mention. I've said you need to decide a fair allocation and stick to it. If you both work part-time then it's fair to distribute things 50-50. If one person works more than the other, and brings in the vast majority (or all) of the money which enables the other to be in the position of being at home, they should have a correspondingly fair amount of stuff to do at home.

It's up to you to decide together what that should be, but there shouldn't be any assumptions.

And the occasional reminder doesn't do any harm. If you need it all written down, do so. We have a 4-person calendar on which we put everything, plus a weekly whiteboard.

my dp has his own house that was in desperate need of renovation so that we could all live thier together! he has had the property over three years now and i think he thought that people would magically appear and do all the work for him!! my dad magically appeared in the end as i got sick of hearing him and mil argue over the house and asked my dad to make a start on it!!!

and its not even my house!!!

but then my dp is about four years old and needs a serious kick up the jacksy!! that or he needs to make sure he locks the door on his way out and hands his keys back in because i am startiing to get to the point where i know that i would be much happier without him!!

if you are feeling put upon you need to sort something out before you end up resenting him

When I've been into schools, the teachers come into the staffroom and have a coffee. Normal state schools.

"If one person works more than the other, and brings in the vast majority (or all) of the money ..."

You don't get it. If there are children, however much paid work you do, it's unlikely you're working "more" than the person who's at home. You bring in the money because it just so happens that what you do gets paid, and what a SAH parent does doesn't. But that money is for both of you. it's in exchange for your partner bringing up your DC. IMO bringing in more money does not give you any rights to more time sitting around. That's outrageous.

Oh and most SAHMs wouldn't put their feet up while their DC napped. They'd do some of the stuff that needed doing!

DH does all paperwork and finances because I am SAHM and have no idea about money - what we have or don't have!! (Bad eh?)

I do all housework except hoovering and emptying bins - that includes all laundry.

DH is taking DS for his next lot of jabs because I can't deal with it and get more upset than DS does.

I deal with the numerous workmen we have at the house because I am here all day and DH isn't - he just writes the cheques.

We share organising activities and social life - just rub along with most things really.

My Xh sounds like your DP - that is why he is my XH - I traded him in for a better one - mond you he also slept with 18 year old tarts and drank himmself into oblivion so that may have had something to do with it also!

my dp does absolutely f all in this house or his own!! i do it all nor he does he provide much financial or emotional support because as he mentioned he doesnt actually live here, though you would think that he did the amount fo time he is here, and he is about four years old!!!

am i meant to run about after him to thank him for the very little amounts of money i do get off him, because i dont work and he does? ROFL at the mere suggestion!!

snowleopard, I think you are wilfully/mischievously misunderstanding and/or paraphrasing me because this is something you want to get angry about! Everything I say is being rephrased. Yes, it's an exchange, and it's up to each couple to work out what is done under the terms of that exchange.

It's not a question of a right to "more time sitting around" - it's a question of having work-space respected because that is the place where the money is earned for all of you. It is not reasonable to expect someone who works out of the home full-time to do 50% of the domestic tasks, unless the other person works full-time as well. I'm in a different position because I work from home, so I do the odd thing during the day - DW (who also works) doesn't expect it, but it helps. Most husbands I know will take on certain things - typical "man tasks" like the car, the lawn, etc. - and both parties are happy for them to do this.

And I frankly cannot believe the number of whingers there are on here who moan about being unable to call their husbands at work. FFS! They are at WORK!! Leave them to get on with it and bother them with the domestic stuff when they get home, unless it is some kind of emergency. And while I'm at it, don't moan about how late they get home, either - they may not have a choice!

I totally agree with snowleopard. Reading what UQD has posted just makes me realise that some men just do not have a clue and unfortunately my DH falls into this category.

If DH has the same attitude as UQD there really is no hope for our relationship at all.

No, I've only quoted you directly. But I think it's clear that you don't really think of being at home with kids/the house as "work", in the sense that paid work is work.

Another direct quote, you've put it very clearly:

"It is not reasonable to expect someone who works out of the home full-time to do 50% of the domestic tasks, unless the other person works full-time as well."

Yes it is, if the other person is doing the childcare and in some cases housework too. You are both very busy with loads to do all day. Therefore, the other stuff, the stuff the OP described - admin, bills, maintenance, birthday presents, DIY, holiday booking, etc - should be equally shared.

OK, if the other person is not working and there are no kids so they are just at home doing nothing, then yes, they can run the house. Otherwise, you are both working as hard as each other - so why should one of you get all the household admin on top!?

Simple point and you're refusing to look at it.

Good lord, I'm trying to be reasonable and say that people need to negotiate tasks, and am accused of having an "attitude"..... I give up....

I'd definitely give up if I were you UQD.

Sometimes it is very necessary to phone DH during his working day, just as it is sometimes necessary for DH to contact me whilst I am at work yet I do not adopt the attitude that he's not allowed to bother me with domestic stuff.

It's funny, because the last time this came up I found a lot more sympathy for this view.

i can actually see where UQD is coming from. its not fair to expect housework to be shared 50 50 when one partner works and the other doesnt.

UQD i think the point everyone is trying to make is that just because you work does not mean you dont have a responsibility to do some housework and childcare i would actually view going out to work as a break!! i spend a lot of my days atm wishing for dp to get back and take over because im going loopy and feel like i am getting close to throwing one of the dcs through a window!!!

unfortunately my dp is under the impression that because he works his time at home is his time off! hence the fact that our relationship has pretty much ran its course and im just waiting for his house to be once again habitable and he will be moving there alone!!!

It does depend on the job you do - I'm sure a lot of office jobs have extended coffee-breaks, but I hate the assumption that going to work is somehow "easier". (Also what's stressful about working out of the home is not just the work but the whole palaver of getting there and back, which often involves trudging out to an icy car/station at 6am, and so on. I'm lucky in that respect with my 30-second commute to my home studio/office.)

In fairness to UQD, he does have a good point... I work part time, and have a lot of SAHM friends. And if we're being really honest, I know that on my days off I meet up with my SAHM friends... one day at a soft play etc, a friend's house, children's clubs,or go to Mother and baby clubs etc... and the reality of these events are that the children go off and play whilst I sit with my SAHM / other PT work friends and drink coffee. Yes you are on call if they have a problem but my two (4.5 and 1.5)and most of my friend's children of about the same age are largely independent and playing. That is a break, and in my case it is a 2/3 hour break most afternoon of my days off. I'm not dissing SAHMs or part timers, because I'm just about to embark on my six week summer holiday, and will be at home with my two for the next six weeks and know that it is hard work and I am not dissing the work... but at the same time I know that I will be (and most of my SAHM friends do the same) spend a section of each day going out with friends, during which time if you have got slightly older toddlers they do go off and play, and you do get time to relax.

Being a SAHM / Working part time is hard work and I'm not denying that, but I do think that some SAHM / PT work mothers tend to conveiently forget these little 'breaks' they have.

And it gets a lot easier when they get to school, which is the great secret SAHMs like to try and keep to themselves. Doing the housework does not take six hours a day.

Yeah, although in my experience, a lot of mums return to work (at least part time) when the youngest goes to school.

micci25 - you will see I have never argued for no responsibility, just for it to be negotiated fairly!

i think that would depend on what sort of temprement your dcs have!! if i was to leave my two play nicely dd1 (4) would be hitting/kicking/stealing toys and generally causing mayhem and dd2 (1) would be tearing apart your house, particularly your fireplace!! taking them out is more work than staying at home with them!! i dont care if they trash my house as long as they do it quietly im fairly sure that if i came to your house and allowed dd1 to take away your dcs fave toy and allowed dd2 to dismantle your fire you wouldnt be very happy with me!!

i get very few breaks in my day a sahm! when i do have them i need to spend that time putting the house back into order and sorting out dps dinner, because he works very hard you know

Maybe it is just the hundred or so mums that I see around at playgroups at the like have it so much easier... because I rarely see mums really interacting that much with their children at toddler bounce / playgroup / soft play etc. Not calling them lax mums, but they are rarely interacting all that much with their kids... I know cause I'm there doing exactly the same . I guess your kids must be the one in a hundred Micci.

I don't think its actually the time taken up doing these things that winds most women up it is the complete ignorance of the day to day running of a household and no inclination to familiarise themselves with the finacial/medical/education stiff that is infuriating!!