am I being unreasonable in asking h to dump the woman he is having an affair with so we can become amicable

[averyquickex]

basically we split up 2 months ago because he was seeing someone else, who he is still seeing. basically, she is 23, he is 33. not saying age gaps dont work, but I cannot see this being 'it' for him.

I do want us to be amicable for the sake of ds. But I can only do that if he has enough respect for me to finish with her so we can be friends. I cannot stand hvaing my face rubbed in the dirt (or feeling like that) every time I see him. It is not good for ds to see us together.
For his sake, I think he should meet me halfway - if I am willing to be his friend after what he has done to me, then he should be willing to finish with her. Then I would know that he is respecting my needs (ie to not continue to be disrespected) too.

You can't expect him to let you control his love life, and if he thinks you're trying to do this, will probably dig his heels in.

But you might raise the issue of exposing ds to "new partners either of you might have". In other words, suggest it might be better if neither of you let ds meet or spend much time with a new partner until the relationship is well established.

It can only be done by mutual agreement. I was talking to a divorced friend with a very amicable relationship with her ex, and they both have new partners who do not figure much, if at all in the dc's lives.

god, its just so hard.
I thought I was doing really well - I really felt lke I was moving on.
But now I just think of the future, and I am so sad.
I am crying again, and I havent cried for a good couple of weeks. I cant bear the thought of ds meeting her. I am so hurt by what he has done. And I am so angry at how this will all affect ds.

I agree wait until their relationship is established. You keep control for now, go with how you feel comfortable.

Also, any woman worth her salt will cherish her DP's children. I know I would, so the proof is in the pudding. That also involves respecting his and the mum's feelings.

Cry all you want. You need to get it out. If I was with you I would give you a hug. You are doing very well. You will have good and bad days but will get there, honestly.

Please give yourself time, take it at your pace with the ow seeing ds. You have the control and he should respect this. Tell him you need more time.

FWIW I was crying most of today about my terrible job situation. Not on a par, I know, but it helped to let it out.

Please ask your Dad to come and do the next few 'handovers'. You shouldn't have to go through this. Every time is like picking open a scab. Distance really helps. We should all set up a network where we supervise eachother's handovers!

Anybody else's X, I can be civil!

You don't need to be his friend. You need to be detached but reasonable/ civil toward him (for your ds sake).

ok. I thought I was strong, but I spoke to him today (he had told me he was leaving ow, then turns out today he isnt, which is why I asked the question in the first place). amd again I am a wreck.
I am not ready to do handovers myself.

But I am getting pressure for more access from xh, so what do I do there?
can he take me to court and force the issue, so I would have to deal with him AND let ds go with him (I want neither, for various reasons, at the moment)

At that age i would say too young for overnight stays for sure and you're not being unreasonable to not want DS to be around bitchface OW until you are convinced ex and her are in a solid and established relationship. To take pressure off could he maybe see DS for whole day on saturday instead of afternoon only (at your place as usual and maybe out somewhere locally)...maybe he would back off then. Your DS is really still a baby so you need to be firm about not changing his routine too much at this point.

Have you had legal advise?

I can also guarantee that his relationship with OW won't last longterm...

Is there a friend (she doesn't need to be near you) who can make the arrangements by e-mail?

You would not be unreasonable to make the decision, for your own well-being NOT to deal with him.

The e-mails would also prove in the event of a course case that you were facilitating contact and weren't being obstructive.

You can't heal if you keep opening the wound.

IN time, if you lessen your contact with him yOu won't define yourself as something discarded by him. That is probably your self-imposed identity right now. Don't buy into it.

If I pointed to a busker on the street and said, he thinks you're odd, well, you'd shrug wouldn't you! that busker's opinion of you would be meaningless and irrelevant to you. Well, truly, your x's opinion is NO more defining of you than a total strangers.

I know all this sounds kind of obvious. But when I was dumped 9 yrs ago (not by the father of my children) a counsellor I saw explained it better and at greater length, but when I visualised myself as a totally separate individual, nothing to do with him, it did lessen the pain of his rejection slightly, although not overnight!, and make his rejection seem less defining of me. Visualise yourself floating away from him. He is static. And you float away. Not the other way round.

greenelizabet - great advice.

I sent him a text last night (he was hassling me to see more of ds yesterady), saying that I am not yet ready to increase the access arrangements. I said I am not stopping him seeing his son, but that at the moment I cannot do the handover myself. I said he needs to respect my need to deal with the pain he has caused me, and that in a few months we can try again to increase the access.

Last question - do we need to actually explain anything to ds? He is nearly 18months, but understands a lot, and has 100 words already (just illustrating that he understands what people are saying to him). Or do we just leave it? Whe he asks for daddy, I tend to say that he is at work.

I wouldn't worry about explaining anything to your son. I left my x when my youngest was 14 months old, and I don't think he was affected negatively. YOur child has the stability of still being in the same house.

PLUS, I think an 18 month old's memory is only about a month - 6 wks, not sure, so what is still raw and torture for you, is already the new normal for him.

Good for you for telling your x that he needs to respect the pain HE has caused you. He pulled the rug from under you, and although of course he is entitled to continue to see his son, I think he has forfeited the right to saunter in and out of your home, your space. HE MUST allow you to heal a bit, toughen up, get STRONGER. YOu can do that. You will do that, but it'll be easier if you have a bit of space.

Please talk to a friend and to your Dad today.

I really feel for you, because the rejction that I mentioned in my post ystrdy was a long time ago now, but I felt beyond devastated. Totally deconstructed. When I got better, I felt 're-built'! A lot stronger, more clear of my personality, but I more empathy too. I hope that gives you hope that you will really bounce back with bells on. You will. I can't imagine going through that kind of pain AND having to look after a child/children.

Take care, and come back here and chat. You can vent about everything, and have a laugh too. On mumsnet there's ALWAYS somebody in the same boat, even though in RL you can feel you are the only one who isn't happily married!

He isnt your friend - hopefully if you have any self respect you wouldnt continue a relationship with a friend who dis-respected you in this way - unfortunately because of your son you have no choice but to continue contact with his father.

Make sure you look fab when you see him, smile at him through gritted teeth but have minimal interraction other than what is necessary for your son's well being.

Nothing wiill kill his relationship quicker than her realising it will not all be fun that there is a child in this equation too and (hopefully) his father puts his childs wellbeing before hers. Ideally for your son she will be a nice person and much as it will be galling for you it is better that he gets on with her than is is a wicked step mum figure...whatever you WILL always be HIS MUM and are irreplaceable.

I do feel for you in an ideal world none of us would have to go through this but he has behaved like a dog dont waste your friendship on him - get on with your life and dont dwell on the hash he is making of his.

I also agree with elasticwoman you are perfectly within your rights to ask that he doesnt introduce your son to a girlfriend for say 6 months - it would just be confusing and upsetting for him. He needs to get used to the fact that Mummy and Daddy are apart before he meets the girlfriend.

Hi avery, I just wanted to add my little bit, as a stepmum.

Re. your worries that your ds will start to like his dad 'better' and want to move away from you. My two dscs love their dad and the time they spend with him, but they both KNOW who it is that looks after them and cares for them every day and puts them first in everything and that is their mum.

Also, as a young stepmum (I was 21 when I first spent time with dscs)in the situation of being with a dp who was a little bit crap with his kids, i just wanted to reassure you a bit.

I think the situation was that my dp stopped listening to anything his ex said, writing it off as nagging, so the dscs suffered. It took an independent party with the right motivations and perspective to work with dscs mum to say stuff like: 'you are being a twat, sort it out and take your kids to the park / cook them the right food / make sure dsd does her injections' (she is diabetic).

After all, if she does see a future for herself with your ex, she will want to see that he is a good dad and will be happy to help him out and take on responsibilities - there does seem to be a mental block with my dp around dietary stuff especially ('yes, she needs to eat carbs with EVERY meal dp') that I still need to help out with.

And you can absolutely insist that your ds is not introduced to anyone new for a period of time, or that your ex spends time with your ds at your house until he shows that he is really making an effort. I hope this helps a tiny bit.