Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

am I being unreasonable in asking h to dump the woman he is having an affair with so we can become amicable

64 replies

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 20:35

basically we split up 2 months ago because he was seeing someone else, who he is still seeing. basically, she is 23, he is 33. not saying age gaps dont work, but I cannot see this being 'it' for him.

I do want us to be amicable for the sake of ds. But I can only do that if he has enough respect for me to finish with her so we can be friends. I cannot stand hvaing my face rubbed in the dirt (or feeling like that) every time I see him. It is not good for ds to see us together.
For his sake, I think he should meet me halfway - if I am willing to be his friend after what he has done to me, then he should be willing to finish with her. Then I would know that he is respecting my needs (ie to not continue to be disrespected) too.

OP posts:

ambercat · 10/07/2008 20:54

I'm in a similar situation to you and it really is shit isn't it.

My h is still seeing his 24 yr old and basicly said to me that i need to deal with the fact he is in a new relationship now and what he does is no longer my concern! Makes me so angry that he can wipe out 13 yrs together so easily.

Unfortunately he is right though, you like me need to try and switch off from them as much as we can. Expat is right, we need to stop trying to keep them as friends. Its so bloody hard though

As far as my h is concerned ,i think that he has lost so much now he is going to cling on to this girl as she is all he has left.

zippitippitoes · 10/07/2008 20:55

you just have to accept it

and build your life in a new way

and at this stage dont look tgoo far ahead

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 20:55

oh ambercat - same situation exactly.
He even said today - she is all I have left.
and 13 yrs of marriage.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 10/07/2008 20:56

and on your sons note - will him leaving this woman make you like him more. what about when he meets another one? wont that stop birthdays etc. He needs to understand that a woman comes into his life then she needs to respect that he has a family elsewhere and allow him room to be there for birthdays etc but asking him not to be with someone else so you can do that is wrong. you need more time lovey - two months is nothing. you might be friends eventually but insisting on this will only turn them into romeo and juliet in his mind and turn him against you totally - where will the friendship be then. friendship is friendship. it doesnt ask for anything to be friendship and doesnt attach conditions. if you cant do that then your not ready to be friends.

Remotew · 10/07/2008 20:56

I can understand how you feel about ds meeting the ow, but you will accept it in time if it lasts that long. You take control and please just give it more time. If you feel you cannot be amicable atm that's totally normal. Do what you need to, no one will judge you least of all your ds, sorry I don't know how old he is.

expatinscotland · 10/07/2008 20:58

Sorry, beanie, but I think if you're not in love with a person any more, unless they're abusive, it's common decency to end it with them before you take up with someone else.

Especially if you have a child/children together.

And not doing that is pretty immature.

And, as you can see from some of the posters on this thread, it's really devestatingly hurtful to the other person.

Yes, that is my opinion, but I truly believe that.

greenelizabeth · 10/07/2008 20:58

Agree with ExpatinScotland's first post. You need to move on and FACE what's happened. Please don't try to be friends with him. Divorce time. NAME her.

You will be happy again one day, but bring on that day SOONER by mentally detaching yourself from him sooner rather than later. Do not prolong the torture.

My x comes to see the children and I leave before he gets here. My Mum has to tolerate him, and I feel bad for her! but she knows it's better for me. I have literally washed my hands of him. It's not easy, but you have to learn to think of your x as somebody that has very little to do with you. Don't txt him, Don't e-mail him, nothing

Is there somebody who could take that liaison role over for you?? I can't emphasise how good it is for helping to move on and see yourself as an individual with nothing to do with x anymore.

My x bought a Porsche after I left him, and I was so angry for a while, but now I have accepted (well, a little!) by regarding my x as just some man, like a neighbour, or somebody I used to work with. I wouldn't stop to think how Mr Brown at 43 spent his bonus. I@m not going to lie to you, it's not EASY.

prettyfly1 · 10/07/2008 20:58

him having a girlfriend does not make him more likeable in your sons eyes. neither does having an affair. he has already screwed up and you wont be able to protect him from his sons judgement when that happens forever but its up to him to answer to his son when that happens. Right now you need to prioritise finding some balance for yourself and your son for each day. be there for him and rebuild yoursself. worry about the future when it comes. easier said then done really.

Kitsilano · 10/07/2008 20:59

You are being UNREALISTIC and unfair to your son.

If you want it to be amicable for the sake of your son then you need to make it so. It's your choice how to behave in what is admittedly a shitty situation. But you obviously care about your son so you need to make it easy for him and put him first regardless of what your ex does. You say you can only be amicable with him if he finishes with this girl - that's not true - it's a choice you have.

Don't punish your son because you can't get your ex to behave how you want. Your child is the most innocent and vulnerable party in all this. Don't make him a pawn.

I speak as the product of divorced parents due to an affair.

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 21:02

I do have someone to do a handover, but they live 70 miles away. my dad comes up once a week to allow h access.
we are looking towards increasing h's access, but that would be through me being able to handover ds. I couldnt do that yet.
I am scared that if he isnt getting the access he is entitled to (in a courts eyes), then they may force the issue.
ds is 18 months old.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 10/07/2008 21:02

Well... I should have finished is a long time before I did, his alcoholism ground me down but I tried to help him for a very long time. Then a frienship turned into something more. Within days of it becoming serious I ended it with my ex. There were no children (thankfully) and I am so much happier. Yes it would have been great if I could have walked away - I tried once but it was hard.

I just take umbridge at the suggestion that everyone who leaves one relationship for another is immature and weak willed. perhaps trying hard for 6 years o sort things out with a man who broke promise after promise is weak willed. Even his family told me they understood why I left in the end.

ambercat · 10/07/2008 21:03

Does the ow even want to meet your son? has your h said he wants to introduce them?

I have exactly the same worries as you, espcially that my dcs may want to live with h one day. I think he will always be peceived as the fun parent while i do all the hard day to day stuff.

I hate that he gets to build a new life with her but still gets to play daddy when it suits him. so unfair.

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 21:04

beanie - your situation is obviusly different to dumping your family for someone 10 yrs younger.
THAT is immature and wek willed.

OP posts:

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 21:05

oh yes ambercat - SO unfair.
and he wont be the one who does homework or has to deal with school issues. instead he will get to take him out for the day.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 10/07/2008 21:07

and i consider alcoholism abusive to the other person when the addict just doesn't want to be bothered to get help and makes everyone's life hell.

expatinscotland · 10/07/2008 21:08

avery, just put your business goggles on any time you even think of this - even if you have to put labels and stickers all over your house to remind me, 'Head high, hang 'em dry.'

and pretend not to care like Carmenere suggested, as much as possible.

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 21:11

maybe then I am trying for too much too soon?
he is only seeing him for a saturday afternoon each week, as that is the only time dad can do the handover.
should I be letting this level of contact lie, and look towards increasing it in the (not immediate) future instead?
the thing is h is putting pressure on me to let him see ds more.

OP posts:

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 21:13

and he is seeing ds in my house, so I have to go out.
but I cannot imagine him taking ds out - he has food allergies, so he cant eat just anything, and I dont trust h to check the ingredients properly (he never did when we were together).
basically, I think that if he took him out for longer, I would return to a tired (most prob missed nap) and hungry toddler.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 10/07/2008 21:14

Yes! Really, July's Easy Living has a terrific article featuring several women who divorced after long marriages and/or marriages with children and they gave some very excellent advice on how to weather the storm.

prettyfly1 · 10/07/2008 21:15

your ex needs to understand that he made the decision to leave the relationship for another woman and needs to give you room to breathe and get over how you feel about it. agree to keep things the way they are for now, keep up the distance and then look at things again in three months. its not forever and you are not stopping him seeing him but right now he needs to respect your need to deal with the pain he has caused and that IS something you can take charge of.

prettyfly1 · 10/07/2008 21:16

reading that last one tho - he is his dad and give him the opportunity - when YOU are ready - to prove he can take care of him properly. if he messes up then dont do it again.

Remotew · 10/07/2008 21:20

Avery, it sounds like you have got your ds interests at heart. Tell your ex your fears about his diet etc and you keep control.

With regards to the ow if she wants to meet ds you will perceive her as being evil and if she doesn't likewise. I do think that the former is less of two evils IYSWIM. I can understand this feeling and its perfectly normal.

Original poster

averyquickex · 10/07/2008 22:03

he hasnt suggested contact with her yet, but I think it is inevitable.

I just cannot believe that a 23 yr old would WANT to spend time with someone else's child. that she would do family type things, not spending all day on a games console with ds plonked in front of it iyswim. or going out taking photographs of things and letting ds just get on with it - this is a major reason why mine and xh's relationship broke down in the first place, as he was always putting his needs and interests above ds's (I will never frget him 'looking after' ds, and parking his buggy infront of a wall, letting him scream, and wandering off to take photos of something or other).

I can just see this happening all over again

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 10/07/2008 22:10

it doesnt help but i was twenty two when my son was born and i have never been anything but devoted to him. slightly different i know but try not to make this about her. she will be evil regardless of what she is like in r l so try not to torment yourself with it. If it makes you more comfortable could you request that he not introduce them for six months. explain calmly that you feel that there has been too much upheaval already that you dont know her and are not comfortable with that idea right now and feel that your time with daddy should be just daddy time. obviously eventually you will ahve to accept it but not right now. show you are being magnanimous and be the bigger person.

prettyfly1 · 10/07/2008 22:11

meant to say your babies time with daddy - not yours obviously

Flip

1 2 3