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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable, immature, rude, irresponsible? oh, and selfish

40 replies

Beansmum · 03/02/2005 12:41

My mum is coming to stay with me next week, it's really inconvenient for me as I have loads of work to do and she wont be arriving until well past my bedtime on thursday, then I have to get up early the next morning for uni.

Anyway, she seems to think she's doing me a huge favour by inviting herself to stay and to be fair she has offered to babysit on friday night so I can go out to the cinema for the first time since ds was born.

I was getting pretty excited about this until I mentioned that I would like to go to the pub after the cinema for a quick drink. I thought that I would probably give ds a bottle of EBM in the morning since I might have alcohol in my system still. My mum got really annoyed, said she was shocked that I was still so irresponsible and immature and how could I think of giving ds a bottle just because I wanted a pint.

is it just me or is wanting a single pint after over a year of staying in alone not really that bad? She was getting quite upset about it and I still can't understand why.

The end result is that I am staying in that weekend and my mum isn't speaking to me just now. Am I totally unreasonable?

OP posts:

Gwenick · 03/02/2005 12:43

Not at all - If i was going for a rare trip out with my children (and they're rare for me too and I'm married!) then I'd be pretty niffed if someone hinted that I was being irrosinble and immature for wanting a quick drink afterwards! It's not even like you're wanting to give formula - it's expressed - ignore her - and see if you can find a good friend who'd be willing to look after your little one for the night so you can go and enjoy yourself - we're still people even when we become motheres!

pinkmama · 03/02/2005 12:44

Bloody hell, no! Think you are being rather thoughtful planning on giving baby ebm the next morning. Of course there is nothing wrong with fancying a night out and a drink. Think your mum has gone over the top. Poor you.

misdee · 03/02/2005 12:47

if your only having one pint, would u really need to express? if you were bladdered i'd say you'd need to.

Original poster

Beansmum · 03/02/2005 12:50

Well I wasn't going to go out until ds was asleep, about 8pm, then by the time I get into town it will be 9, the movie wont be finished until 12ish so I won't actually have my pint until 12.30-1. then ds has his milk usually just before 6am. I'm sure it wouldn't matter but just to be on the safe side I thought he could have a bottle.

OP posts:

Sponge · 03/02/2005 12:59

I would bf quite happily after a drink or two but then I am a bad mother .
I think your mum's being way over the top. You're entitled to a little bit of a life and you shouldn't have to wait for a year for it.
Most people aren't still b/fing after a year anyway so you've been the complete opposite of selfish.

Blackduck · 03/02/2005 13:00

are you being....(long list...can't be bothered to type it in again)...NO! My mum actively encourages me to get out when she comes up...don't let her make you feel guilty...
Oh BTW Beansmum as I nabbed the Boden stuff I wondered how old your ds was as I've loads of boys stuff .....

NameChangingMancMidlander · 03/02/2005 13:02

Beansmum, I've only read your post so I may be repeating everyone else here.... Your Mum is being unfair to you and you are not acting in anyway irresponsibly etc etc. Quite the opposite, in fact. Your mother is behaving like you go out Thurs/Fri/Sat night of every week, leaving DS with a pre-pubescent babysitter to feed him Coca Cola direct from the plastic bottle

Go out, have a fab time and try not to let your Mother's bizarre attitude play on your mind.

Gwenick · 03/02/2005 13:06

I'd 2nd those that say there'd be no really harm in BF him after just one pint - I'll admit when DS1 was just a tiny baby (4 months old!) I could be seen at other BF mum's house with a baby attached a by breast and a glass of wine in the other hand - and I wasn't the only one - obviously NOT entirely recommended but certainly didn't do him any harm - thinking about it perhaps that's why he liked his milk so much - it tasted good

nasa · 03/02/2005 13:06

no, no and NO. You're not, and you deserve a break.

Original poster

Beansmum · 03/02/2005 13:08

I feel a bit better now, although my mum is still coming to stay as far as I know, so I can't really go out now without upseting her again.

blackduck - ds is 8 months, but in 9+months clothes. I will take pretty much anything you have!

OP posts:

Gwenick · 03/02/2005 13:09

beans - I'd still go out - if you're sat at home knowing you could have gone out you're probably going to feel resentful towards her - and it could (I don't know much if at all you argue with your mum) result in an argument - making things even more uncomfortable.

Socci · 03/02/2005 13:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Beansmum · 03/02/2005 13:14

How can I go out though? I know it's a horrible thing to say but I'm not sure I'd want to trust her with ds if she's in a mood with me. And I don't think getting someone else to watch him while she's there would go down too well!

OP posts:

hempot · 03/02/2005 13:14

Hi Beansmum i dont t think ur in any way wrong for wanting to go out. Its important to be able to let ur hair down and talk about things other than nappies!!

NameChangingMancMidlander · 03/02/2005 13:16

Well if you don't feel that she could look after DS without taking her frustrations with you out on him then I'd obviously say don;t go out. In fact, I'd probably just tell her that something has come up and so she can't come to stay after all. But then I'm one to hold a grudge for a bit where my mother is concerned (although we get on v well, too similar I guess)

Gwenick · 03/02/2005 13:16

Beans - I'm sure she'd be fine with you DS - I compltely DON'T agree with her views about the things she labelled you BUT - I'm sure the fact that she's said she's willing to look after him (and that you agreed) means that she won't let a disagreement with you affect her care of her grandson - I get on really well with my mum , but we do have the occasional fallout and I'm 100% certain that I could still trust her with my children even if we weren't speaking.

hempot · 03/02/2005 13:17

My mum was the same when I went out last week she said that 'I was the one that wanted to have a baby' Having a baby doesnt mean the rest of ur life has to stop!! In the end I went out and she baby sat and enjoyed having him to herself!!!

Blackduck · 03/02/2005 13:17

BM - ds is 20 months and in 12 months stuff! I have a look and see what might fit.....

Caligula · 03/02/2005 13:21

No you're not, and your mother's completely unreasonable.

Frankly, you're entitled to expect a little more support than this.

This has made me angry!

motherinferior · 03/02/2005 13:25

THere are LOADS of threads about b/fing and booze - and you can have FAR more than one pint.

I b/fed when actually rather pissed, a couple of times

serenity · 03/02/2005 13:28

Go out!!!

Original poster

Beansmum · 03/02/2005 13:32

I'm pretty sure I can trust her with bean, maybe I should just go to the cinema and come straight home.

I was looking forward to a pint so much though, not the actual alcohol but just sitting in a pub with my mates and not talking about ds.

I'm just so cross that she thinks I'm not a responsible mum, I try sooooo hard to be the best mum I can and I think i'm doing pretty well. he wouldn't be such a lovely baby if I wasn't doing something right.

OP posts:

Gwenick · 03/02/2005 13:33

beans - go to the cinema and have a drink afterwards - show her that you're NOT a kid anymore - you can make your own decisions - if she REALLY doesn't like it you may find she just doesn't offer to babysit again. My doing what you've already told her you have planned you'll show her that you're 'strong' and not willing to listen to people just because they don't like what you do.

lockets · 03/02/2005 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Heathcliffscathy · 03/02/2005 13:39

a bit of alcohol boobie (TM mumsnet) once in a while is no problem at all imo.

she has totally overreacted, have you thought about asking her why she has reacted so strongly? maybe there is something behind this that has nothing to do with you...?

either way, i'd go out (i'm sure she won't be horrible to your ds cause you're not getting on) and come home v late!!!

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