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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

online dating - is this normal??

60 replies

susia · 09/07/2008 20:53

I have been chatting to a man on a dating website and spoke on the phone on Monday. He said he'd call next week to arrange a date.

Anyway, this evening I got a text saying something like ...'this is my email address...see you tomorrow', I texted back saying 'I don't think this was meant for me?' expecting him to pretend it was even if it wasn't or something similar but he texted back 'no sorry that wasn't meant for you, I'll call you next week!'

I feel a bit put out or am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:

lou33 · 09/07/2008 21:16

i had one guy whom i exchanged numbers with, try to immediately get me to go spend the night at his

when i said i dont make a habit of spending the night at a strangers home he got a bit pushy so i ended the call and deleted his number

a week later he sent me a message through the online site asking for my number

when i said he already had it, he came up with some long winded excuse about selling his phone, so i asked him what my name was and he didnt know

he was fucked off

this guy the op is talking about sounds similar

Original poster

susia · 09/07/2008 21:16

I didn't say I'd only talk to or date him or expect him too - it was the way he replied that just seemed a bit too casual about it that bothered me

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 09/07/2008 21:16

I would raqther someone was honest than try to bluff their way out.

Your other concerns would be more of a limiting factor for me personlly, as a single mum I do avoid the people who seem put out by the fact that I have to arrange things in advance.

minorityrules · 09/07/2008 21:17

How do you know this message was even for a woman?? If he is meeting people on dating sites, wouldn't he have given out his email, before arranging to meet them??

It wouldn't matter to me, I am chatting and meeting a few people, I have made no commitment to any of them

Mutt · 09/07/2008 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susia · 09/07/2008 21:19

the message was for a woman as he referred to the dating site in it. as I said it didn't bother me as I would expect it in a way but the way he was so casual about it.

OP posts:

Divastrop · 09/07/2008 21:20

i thought there was a difference between dating sites and adult fun sites,or are they one and the same these days?

Original poster

susia · 09/07/2008 21:21

not sure what adult fun site is but can guess! no this is a dating site.

Anyway, thankyou, it's good to be able to talk things through with people. still not sure though

OP posts:

lou33 · 09/07/2008 21:23

if it wasnt for the op i think he should have elaborated more than he did

the fact he didnt to me suggests it was for another woman and he didnt know how to react

nothing wrong with him seeing another woman, the problem lies in how he felt the op didnt warrant any explanation as such, or being up front

prettyfly1 · 09/07/2008 21:24

HELL NO THEY ARE NOT THE SAME........sorry i have some issues about adult fun sites. grrr. That said its still fairly normal to meet more then one person off a main site.

check he is on any of the dirty wrong un sites. then you will know exactly what his intentions are and you can make your own mind up.

Original poster

susia · 09/07/2008 21:29

it was for another woman, because he texted back that it wasn't meant for me.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 09/07/2008 21:36

His attitude would put me off. It's just careless.
I can't imagine flirting online with lots of people as I wouldn't do that in real life. I'd just arrange to meet 1 person at a time and would expect a bloke to do likewise.

Original poster

susia · 09/07/2008 21:41

the thing is 2rebecca I have heard that most people on dating sites do that so I can't complain about that really but it is the way he was so casual about it to me that bothered me!

OP posts:

Mutt · 09/07/2008 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susia · 09/07/2008 21:51

yes sometimes I think I am! is it just me then?

OP posts:

girlnextdoor · 09/07/2008 21:55

Just don't take it so seriously- it's an easy mistake to make- give him a chance! He's not "yours" - think of it like dialing the wrong number on the phone- no big deal eh?
The whole point of internet dating for a lot of people is that it is a numbers game- see lots of people but no real commitment- not at first.

If you are super-sensitive then maybe it's not right for you?

prettyfly1 · 09/07/2008 21:58

i find online dating difficult for the same reason love so its not just you. I saw one guy for three weeks then found out he was still on the sites and it made me really uncomfortable so i prefer to try and not do it now. your not insane, it just maybe isnt for you!!

OverMyDeadBody · 09/07/2008 22:02

I have to agree with girlnextdoor.

I am very casual with people I haven't even met yet of dating sites and would not make any effort to try and protect their feelings or be sensitive until I'd actually met them and liked tehm. I find nothing more offputtig in a man than keenness and aver-eagerness before we've even met.

lou33 · 09/07/2008 22:44

yes they are mutt

it shows both have little respect for the other person and are just seeing who replies

cheerfulvicky · 09/07/2008 22:44

I agree that he owes you nothing and hasn't done anything wrong. BUT I would run a mile from a man like this, because instinctively, he sounds like he's got loads of prospective dates on the go and there's something a bit uncomfortable about his casualness. I've been on dating sites briefly, and I'd want a man to take a real interest in me before arranging to meet. He just doesn't sound that bothered, you know? And I think that's the real issue here. He should be just a little more excited to meet you... If he clearly isn't, then move on happily, because he's probably not right for you.

lou33 · 09/07/2008 22:46

i agree vicky

girlnextdoor · 10/07/2008 19:11

lou33 and vicky- I don't agree at all- in fact my brother internet dates and i have encouraged him to have more than 1 person on the go- too often he has wasted weeks phoning/emailing women only to find they are nothing like they appear online/phone when he meets them in reality.

being in contact with more than 1 woman doesn't mean you are a player, or insincere. It just means you are optimising your chances of meeting Miss Right! It's different once you have met and then you can decide if the relationship is "exclusive" but the whole point of internet dating is that you can meet lots of people more easily than if you trawl round pubs/clubs/parties etc.

zippitippitoes · 10/07/2008 19:17

im more inclined to the vicky/lou view than the firlnextdoor one

i think it shows he is seeing so many he is lost which is a bit odd/net spreading

i mean i found it wquite hard to actgually want to meet people..most of the time after exchanging emails and phone calls etc i decided they were not for me or vice versa

and when i was going to meet i was excited

i would be really careful not to muddle them up..that is just careless and cavalier

Alambil · 10/07/2008 19:22

It's pointless to limit yourself to one person at a time online - especially if you're paying to be on the site!

It's a numbers game; the more people you chat to, the more likely you are to find a few to meet, out of that few, the "one" may be there. If you do it one at a time, it'll take 10 million times longer!

I don't think he's done anything wrong - I've sent texts to the wrong people easily... he's doing what you have to do online to get any chance of finding "the one" and he's not embarrased to say so, I think.

lou33 · 12/07/2008 16:31

i am not saying you should limit yourself to one at a time, i am saying that he sounds like he isnt limiting himself at all, and therefore cant keep account of whom he has or hasnt spoken to/arranged date etc

and that is offputting

meeting or dating more than one til you have decided is very reasonable, and it would benaive to assume there are no other women he would be interested in meeting

but getting them mixed up gives out signals that is is doing too much plate spinning

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