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Original poster

My brother hurt me and I don't know what to do

31 replies

amygirl · 09/07/2008 07:20

Sorry this is a bit of a long story but I don't know what to do next and I would appreciate some advice.
My younger brother is single, no girlfriend and he never wants cchildren or marriage. However we were a close family when growing up and he keeps in touch with my sisters and their children, visiting them several times a year and indulging them. I have three children and he is a generous uncle presents-wise to my kids too. The problem is we live far apart and I never see him. He lives abroad and I can't afford to take the family to visit him. We used to keep in regular touch by email and phone but in the last year or so that has dropped off too. Now he never calls, doesn't take my calls and replies to my emails in a sort of curt, formal business tone which most people would use only when they are sending out a strong message that they don't want to know you. He's not the typical unable to express himself type man. He is educated and he was always warm in the past.
I've been slow to contact him too, just because I'm busy with my life as well but I always thought we were there for each other. However last month I heard from my mum and my sisters that he is moving country again and I thought it odd that he hadn't contacted me, so I sent him a friendly email saying I'd heard the news and is it definite etc? He replied with a one line saying it was possible and he'd "inform me when appropriate".
I wrote back asking if there was something wrong or if I'd in some way upset or offended him and he replied in equally dismissive language but effectively the answer was "no". Then I tried to respond with a friendly, newsy email which he ignored.
Last night I got a text message to say the move was going ahead. As he's going to have the summer off first, I sent a reply asking him to come to visit us for a couple of days and saying how much myself and my children would love to see him (they only know him by name and a photo). Four hours later he replied by text message to say "no way" - he doesn't like the village where we live because its boring.
The point was to visit my family not to holiday in the area. He sees everyone else in a similar way and although I am harder to get to, surely its not too much to ask once every few years (money is not a problem for him).

I just don't know what to say to him next. His text message was brutal and you would not write that way to anyone, unless you were either a callous pig who does not know how to behave or you really really wanted to hurt the person you were writing to. My brother does know how to behave but he has become arrogant as his career has gone well. I don't want a fight (oddly I have a feeling that this would play into his hands) and I've really thought back to what might be the root of the problem but i can't work it out.
If he was a friend, I'd give up now but this is my brother and we were always so close....

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2008 07:24

Is he this way with the rest of your family? Did he used to be more chatty?

I'd guess there's something he's pissed off about, but he either doesn't know what it is, or isn't willing to discuss it.

I don't know what you can do - could your parents or siblings help?

Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 07:34

He is a bit full of himself generally these days but he gets on well with the rest of my family, but maybe less so my mum.
The problem is that although I also get on with the others, I don't get on well with my mum either (she really is difficult!) but because of that i don't want to ask anyone else for help or advice because I think I'll be cast as the one who causes problems.
My dad would never have let this happen and he would have been ashamed of my brother for the text he sent last night but he's dead. My mum tends to go round stirring things a bit and I wondered if she was up to something again that i don't know about. When we were young she was the sort of mother who played one child off against the other and unfortunately she has kept this habit now that we are adults. My dad used to curb the worst of it but now he's not here.

OP posts:
pickledparsnips · 09/07/2008 07:35

I would reply and say how offended you are by the manner of his texts and emails recently and if he is upset with you then he ought to put his cards on the table and declare his hand. Continue to be sisterly to him and try and find out whats behind all this. If you reply in anger he wont tell you and your relationship may break down.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2008 07:44

Hmmm, I can see your point, but I think it would be more practical for amygirl to say she was bewildered and confused, rather than offended, iyswim.

Or, bewildered and confused, and worried your mum was up to her stupid old tricks? (Can you and your sibs discuss her bad behaviour? If not, maybe now is the time!)

justageek · 09/07/2008 07:47

i am really close to my brother, and then he moved 600 miles away. We still speak on the phone every day. If he sent me something like that, i woud be disgusted and tell him so. What are you afraid of? like you say, he isnt a friend, he is your brother. If you cant be straight with your family whom can you be? dont molly coddle him or pander to hm tell him straight that you sense something is up, his text upset you, you want to see him but wont chase after him. Then leave him to it. As hard as it will be, he needs to stop being an eejit and sort this out. You have tried from what i can see.

posieflump · 09/07/2008 07:49

Maybe he wants you to go and see him in his new place?

OrmIrian · 09/07/2008 07:53

Agree with nqc. Don't use the word 'offended' or you'll make the whole thing more confrontational. Perhaps you could write a letter and lay your cards on the table about the whole thing.

It does sound as if something has upset him though,

Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 07:53

Maybe he wants you to go and see him in his new place?
I think he knows I cannot afford it. My husband and i have a business which is being hit by the recession. We are in danger of bankruptcy and we have to watch every penny now.

OP posts:
gagarin · 09/07/2008 07:58

Can you go and see him? Even for a flying visit?

You might find his view is that you've changed. That you used to have time for him but now you don't.

You say he doesn't have children - maybe no-one in his cirlce of friends does so all he sees is that having a family makes people inward looking, focussed on their dcs and apparently distant and unavailable.

Maybe things have just moved on so you are, through not fault of yours or his, just not a central part of his life at the moment. It doesn't mean you won't be later on when life changes again - it always does!

Just increase your contacts with him - you did say you'd also been "slow to contact him too". Change that and see what happens.

BouncingTurtle · 09/07/2008 07:59

I suspect he is like this with you because you won't go and see him - he probably won't understand the logisitics/cost implications for you to visit.
I agree with PP - you are his sister and you should not put up with rudeness, I know it is very hurtful but I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by telling him you find his behaviour towards you unacceptable.

I have 2 brothers who I barely speak to, they have seen my son once very briefly when I went down to see my mum (my brothers and my mum live 250miles away from me). TBH I want my ds to have as little to do with them as possible because they are ignorant rascists , who treat my mum like a servant at times, though they have gotten better since I had words with my mum telling her to stand for herself - they are capable of fending for themselves.
I think if you cannot be frank with your family - who can you be frank with?

Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 07:59

i think something has upset him too. But when i asked him two weeks ago, he denied it.
Most of our communication is by email so i read back over the last year (there wasn't much so it didn't take long!) and there is nothing there.

I'm in one of those situations where it is hard not to make things worse. It is as though he is intent on causing a rift and if I say or do anything, he will use it as an excuse.

OP posts:
gagarin · 09/07/2008 08:02

amygirl - you say "you think he knows I cannot afford it". Trouble is he might not.

No need to lay your financial trouble on him - but just let him know things are tough and keep cntacting him.

ps and my brother doesn't know how to do a "friendly" text. It's a man thing IMO - information, one word answers (including the famous OK which makes me laugh when it's in reply to an epic text of mine!) or even no answer at all!

OrmIrian · 09/07/2008 08:03

I really do think a letter would help. Write it all down. And make sure you spell it out that you can't go and see him, and why.

justageek · 09/07/2008 08:03

come on amygirl, iknow he is your brother but that doesnt give him a free pass to be acting like a five year old and treating you badly. Get him told and if he wants to go strop about it let him! Tell him you are there for him but if he wont communicate with you and tell you whats the matter, then you cant do anything more to sort things between you.

Have you got a guilty conscience for not being in touch with him much? you have your own life, just as he did. Dont let him make you feel bad.

posieflump · 09/07/2008 08:03

I would just leave it tbh
Let him make the next move
he is the on losing out on seeing you and your family
If you keep chasing him you'll make it worse
Just take a deep breath and let it go.

geordieminx · 09/07/2008 08:11

I think that you need to speak to him. Face to face would be more approriate but given the distance over the phone is the next best option.

Texts ans emails can easily be mis-understood and taken in a manner that they werent intended, although I dont think this is the case here as such.

You need to speak to him and ask him outright what he problem is, explain that you are upset and have no idea what has caused this rift - be open and honest with each other rather than going through a third party or sending texts that can be ignored.

If he doesnt answer when you ring then text and say that you need to speak to him urgently and can he ring you.

Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 08:12

Some people are repulsed by failure. I never thought my brother was like that but now I wonder if that is the problem. Once I was by far the most successful of the family but now I am the poorest. Now he's in the lead.
My mum keeps telling me all the places he's been, 5* hotels in which he has stayed (and how he found then wanting etc). As I said he is a bit arrogant of late.
I never saw it as a competition, but maybe he does? Or maybe its got nothing to do with it??

OP posts:
Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 08:15

I'd like to see him but I cannot afford the flights - he lives abroad. And last night it was fully established that he will never visit me until I move! So face to face won't work. At the momemt I am really hurt and I'm sure I wouldn't get through it without crying.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2008 08:18

I actually think still waters run deep here and the whole family has been affected by the actions of one person in particular - your Mum.

I am wondering if your Mother has again been stirring things to divide you and has played one (him) off against the other (you). She may well have said something to him; a throwaway remark which has been taken out of context by him. I note that both he and you do not get on particularly well with your Mum and she is continuing her toxic divide and conquer strategy on her children now adults.

Texting (that in particular is non communication, its lazy for a start, I'd tell off my own brother for that!)and e-mails are less than helpful ways of communicating. E-mails can be impersonal and do not give a true impression of emotions. Both of you need to talk on the phone to each other; at least you will hear each other's voice then and can guage more of a reaction.

Someone has got to break the impasse here. I'd have it out with him over the phone if face to face is logistically impossible. The long term influence of your Mother will spread further outwards otherwise.

Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 08:26

My mum is a definite possibility. She is stupid because after 40 years of trying she should know its not divide and rule but divide and alienate from her.
We all know what she is like and how she picks on people. I've been solidly out of favour for two years now and she also communicates with me by email messages using a similar tone to the one my brother has started to use.
The thing is she's always been trouble and we've all kept going throughout our adulthood with a good relationship between each of us which my mother hasn't really been able to do much about (maybe until now).

OP posts:
Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 08:28

other people's families always look idyllic don't they?!

OP posts:
justageek · 09/07/2008 08:38

funnily enough i have a mum who is very jealous of mine and my brothers closeness, to the point she once tried to tell me he thought i lied about something very serious that happened in my childhood, to try to drive a wedge between us. As it was i hopped straight on the phone and it was a load of tosh, as i knew deep down.

Point is, it shouldnt matter how your mum stirs it, you both should not let that get in the way of a good brother/sister relationship. You need to get to the bottom of this and as hurt as you are, as hard as you might find it, do it soon. Remind him that lifes too short for stupid things like this, because it really it ;)

lizziemun · 09/07/2008 08:41

Having read your thread I have a quick thought are you sure his life is a rosy as you think.

Is he trying to push you away so you don't see that his life is not what he wants IYSWIM.

Original poster
amygirl · 09/07/2008 08:44

Lizziemum - its possible. He is in his mid-30's and continues to talk like every 22 year old i ever met about how he never wants to settle down. I don't think family life is for everyone, but I've no idea what happens when all your friends get married , have kids and you've got no one left to play with? My mum tells me his social life is very good. Certainly i can't seem to get hold of him on the phone at home...

OP posts:
lizziemun · 09/07/2008 08:51

It sounds to me like he is unhappy and doesn't know how to change.

With a bit of luck when he move countries he can reinvent himself and get the life he wants.

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