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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DHs story seems implausible. opinions welcome

65 replies

trackerc · 07/07/2008 22:51

Saw in DHs top drawer that there was a pack of 2 condoms - opened it to see one missing. There has been some history of things in thepast - my suspicions, but he has never come out & said hes 'done' things but all would point towards it. Have agreed to let things go & work at it in the past. Now have 14 mth old DD & have told him what Ive found tonight. He has avoided all eye contact, said as little as poss & just commented 'I sometimes like to masturbate with one on' (no history of this, can only count on one had times weve used condoms & this was years ago when met) He has retreated into his cave & said 'Im not going to argue'& his defence was 'why would they be in my top drawer if i was doing anything' All seems avoidant, not expaining or even empathising. Almost immediatly he said Im going to watch a dvd upstairs & went up hours ago. I know Im going to go up there & he will be the injured party & will never say anything more. I have concluded that continually pressing the subject wont get me anywhere (thats his personality) so am just withdrawing but dont really know where it will lead. Just to have your thoughts would be nice
Thanks in anticipation...

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 07/07/2008 23:44

I DO think him encouraging you to go away for nights sounds suspicious. Is he offering to look after DD to give you a break?

Original poster

trackerc · 07/07/2008 23:48

I think I can just lie there & whilst it will be difficuclt I will sleep. It is ulcer inducing stuff I know but (this sounds pathetic alert) but Im a coper. I just get on with it & maybe thats been one of my big issues. - Lots to think about....
He is encouraging me to go out & he babysit. Cant remember if I said that couple of months ago found him on favourites looking at site to find adult 'friends' in your location, so dunno if that kind of thing is a potential. Think I want to be clear in my head before running away with possibilities. I have found it suspicious though.

OP posts:

MinkyChunky · 07/07/2008 23:51

He could just be a chinless bollock who wants the thrill of "meeting" someone online with no intention of taking it further. I did actually have a male friend who did this. he used to make up lots of outrageous stuff. Isn't there a website now where you can do that? (sorry off at a tangent)

I think you deserve to go to bed happy.

zippitippitoes · 07/07/2008 23:53

wewll it sounds a bit odd i have yet to meet a guy who likes condoms enough for that

but on the other hand people are often odd

would he believe you wouldnt go in that drawer

and sorry you are worrying

Original poster

trackerc · 07/07/2008 23:54

Im realistic, I wont go to bed happy but I will have had lots of listening that allows me to process things in an objective way with all you fab people replying. I will go to bed happier that Ive actually said (written) something as I rarely share with friends as I think Im worried about what people may think. I am frightened of being humiliated. SOunds daft but true. I know it shouldnt matter & happiness as an outcome should come first but... Oh Im rambling now.
Bottom line is I am very grateful to you all.
x

OP posts:

MrsMacaroon · 07/07/2008 23:55

Oh god, my mum was a 'coper'... she never got any further forward with her relationship because she would carry the load for both of them- it's actually quite a controlling way to behave. I think it's far healthier to respond honestly, without worrying about what your partner might say/think. You are not a lawyer. You don't need a body of evidence that would sway a jury...no-one else has to live with him, you do so if you're unhappy with his behaviour, why the hell are you not saying so. Having little trust in your partner is a fundamental weakness and not being able to discuss or place responsibility where it belongs may well be your undoing.

MinkyChunky · 07/07/2008 23:57

Tracker- having been where you are I understand completely. I didn't want anyone that I knew to know. I didn't want to feel humiliated and most importantly I didn't want my nearest and dearest to hate my partner.

I am glad that you are finding it helpful here though.

Original poster

trackerc · 08/07/2008 00:01

God, MrsMac - that is a stongly worded post but Ive reread it (& probably will do hundreds of times again)& i appreciate your perspective. I worry I am a controller & I do think everything is my responsibility (sometimes resent it when they dont help me out without telling them I need help etc) May be undoing & I may take this to bed & have a rethink as to what is weakness & what is strength. God, I could nver have imagined you caould all be so reflective for me.
x

OP posts:

MrsMacaroon · 08/07/2008 00:12

I wondered whether or not to post it as it's a bit close to the bone but i grew up watching my mum and dad having a very dysfunctional relationship- affairs, alcoholism etc...trust was never rebuilt but they just 'got on with it'. My mum always saw her ability to cope as her greatest strength but i recognised it as it actually was- fear of the unknown. She was so scared of the consequences if she put her cards on the table and called my dad out on his behaviour that she was willing to put up with all sorts of shit. She also channeled this fear into trying to control her environment and the people around her. My biggest fear is to end up like that. It just leads to bitterness.

HappyWoman · 08/07/2008 08:36

Good post MrsM

I think too many women do put up with stuff that they really shouldnt - i know i have in the past.
My h has had an affair and i completly understand the horrible feeling of mistrust and not wanting to confront it without 'proper' evidence. But believe me your gut is so right - when it all came out i was amazed at just how much i had got right about what was going on (even the name of the person without any real reason to suspect them ).
It has been hard building the trust back but better than that i am now so much more willing to expess my fears and when and why i feel suspicious to h.
He has been fantastic and together i do think we are going to get through this but i think has i 'turned a blind eye' it would have just got worse and he would never have taken responsiblity for his appalling behaviour towards me.

I have also learned a lot about how men think. Your h will only tell the minimun to get away with whatever he is up to. He will be ashamed of his actions i am sure - but lets face it there is a whole sex industry built around just these sort of situations. Unless he faces up to how this sort of behaviour makes him feel he will not change ime.
Surely it is a bit of an insult that he has a liking for condoms and was not able to share that with you either!

Good luck - please dont put up with behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable, communication is the key.

HermanMunster · 08/07/2008 11:04

just out of interest why do so many women find this implausable?
i know lots of blokes who have posh wanks (i.e. with a condom) from time to time.

as i say the op will know best as she is in possssion of far more detail and any feeling she has about his infidelity will be far more relevant than anything i can add.
i was just wondering why so many of you disregard his explanation off-hand.

OneLieIn · 08/07/2008 11:14

Because most blokes (massive generalisation) make a massive fuss of wearing one when you want them to, Herman!

Trackerc, instinct says a lot. This all might be nothing, but either way it sounds like you need to talk to move your relationship forwards - you 'cannot be arsed' and he is 'looking for thrills', doesn't sound like you are both in a good place right now. Good luck in sorting it out.

zookeeper · 08/07/2008 11:19

It sounds implausible and he sounds the type of man that will deny all unless you have proof of infidelity.

Next port of call should be his mobile phone

Blu · 08/07/2008 11:31

Have not read whole thread, but have listened to some very detailed conversations with male friends and have often heard of men masturbating using a condom, with lube inside it (something to do with it then not feeling like their hand - the alternative, apparantly, is to wear a thin rubber glove). Have also heard talk of people using condoms on sex toys - and this includes anal penetration for men.

Would also be surprise if anyone having a affair would to something as obvious as use a condom from home.

So - to me his story sounds wholly plausible - the issue of trust / instinct v jealousy / fidelity and jealousy is another matter.....

WideWebWitch · 08/07/2008 11:32

I wouldn't buy it tbh.

BEAUTlFUL · 08/07/2008 11:49

The Posh Wank theory is possible, but on top of everything else, it's looking like he's a bad 'un.

Sorry.

ToughDaddy · 08/07/2008 12:13

Why not tell him that you want to discuss fundamental relationship issues (as opposed to the condom thing) in a calm manner. May allow you to have a proper discussion about your relationship without the denfensive barriers being up before you start.

There are a lot of plausible theories but it sounds as though there is still committment from both of you so could be worth taking opportunity to review the relationship at the fundamental level?

MakemineaGandT · 08/07/2008 13:47

hmmm. Sounds decidedly dodgy to me I'm afraid.

He either needs to confess to the truth, or if he is in fact the "wronged party" and hasn't done anything wrong he really ought to be working a bit harder at getting his point across. His silence and refusal to discuss is very suspicious.

littlewoman · 08/07/2008 13:55

Thingamajig - 'posh wank' is what my friend at hospital used to call it. I thought he was the only one, and it always cracked me up.

Sorry about hijack.

Best wishes to OP.

itati · 08/07/2008 13:57

I have never heard of a man who would masturbate with a condom on and he is trying to make you the bad guy by asking why you were looking in his drawers.

You should be bale to look anywhere in your own house. I sometimes tell my DH not to look in a cupboard or a drawer but that is because a card or present is hidden there. And he knows that.

I am sorry you have to go through this but I think he is up to no good.

Twelvelegs · 08/07/2008 13:58

Trust your instincts. I know it's easy to put other things in the mix that further mean he's up[ to something and that could be because you're looking or because there is.

batters · 08/07/2008 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twelvelegs · 08/07/2008 14:02

PS I would agree to go out for the night and return an hour and a half later, catch him at it!
Good luck.

ToughDaddy · 08/07/2008 14:34

Don't hang him just yet?! He may have been unfaithful in planning adultery. Clearly that is nearly as bad as carrying out the act. But if that is the case, is there enough committment from him (you are clearly a good/committed woman) to try to rescue the relationship? So far you have been the one trying to have dialogue and he hasn't but is it worth another attempt at dialogue (Relate or friend/relative of his etc) before you kick his ass?

clam · 08/07/2008 20:27

Oh come on! What else does he have to do , bar waving it under your nose? Men bank on us giving them the benefit of the doubt. If it's all above board, then why on earth, if he loves you, would he not give you a hug and explain - properly - what it's all about and apologise if he gave you the wrong idea and hurt you?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, tracker. But I'm cross on your behalf that he's continuing to let you sweat on this, without attempting to help you feel better about it.

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