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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex - my dh does not want to have a sexual relationship with me - help.

27 replies

lola24 · 07/07/2008 14:58

Help - not sure what to do. Dh and I have been together about 4 years we have 2 lovely children under the age of 3 and I am a SAHM. Our relationship is generally good, we have the usual arguements and disagreements but don't row all the time and generally seem to like each other. But since the birth of our first dd we have really not had a sex life at all. And it is making me desperately sad. He never initates sex and if I try to, like I did this morning he rejects me and is horrible to me all day. We are on the list for relate counselling but with no immediate slot and we have been on the list since March. I just wondered whether anyone had the same problem? Whether you can suggest anything? And whether counselling will help?

OP posts:

Jazzicatz · 07/07/2008 15:02

Have you spoken to him about this?

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:08

Tried to repeatedly - in no judgmental, relaxed way ! but I don't get anywhere. He just says that he is too tired. Is that normal? He works 9-5 in the same job he has always had; he has undisturbed sleep. He won't come to bed until after 12 every night; surely if he was tired he would go to bed earlier? I think it is an excuse.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/07/2008 15:20

It's an excuse - especially if he is horrible to you after you try to initiate it. I'm sure he doesn't realise he's being horrible, and probably doesn't realise he's making excuses, but he is. How long has it been? It doesn't sound good. He needs to address this somehow but it doesn't sound like he wants to.

pellmell · 07/07/2008 15:23

Is he worried about you becoming pregnant again?

madamez · 07/07/2008 15:26

Well there is definitely a problem here: when one partner is not happy then the relationship is in trouble no matter how much the other partner may be trying to ignore the issue.
Now there are various things that could be going on with your DH (depression, willy-wilt, health problems etc) but what is obvious is that he thinks pretending everything is all right will make everything all right.
So you will have to tell him firmly and clearly that the situation is making you unhappy and something has to be done that will make both of you happy. Ask what he suggests. Would he be happy for you to have sex with someone else if he isn;t up for the job, for instance? Will he go to some sort of couple counselling with you? WIll he go to the GP if it sounds like the problem is physical? Make sure he understands that doing nothing about the problem is not an option.

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:27

In about 2.5 years we have probably had sex about 5 times. Amazingly I managed to concieve our second DD in this time! It is really getting to me now; destroying my confidence. I don't know what it is that I am doing wrong. And why is he being horrible when I do try to initiate it? I am never doing it again; feel so stupid for doing it this time. I am dreading him coming home tonight. Last time this happened (about 5 months ago) he went a bit looney with me and the children in the car.

OP posts:

ImLovinIt · 07/07/2008 15:31

Do you have any idea what it might be? Is his behaviour at other times anything to cause you concern?

My dp is in his 20's and a few months ago things got quite bad between us. No sex life and frustration that spilled into our everyday life. For a very long time he blamed tiredness but eventually, when we came close to splitting he told me he had a problem maintaining, you know . He made it worse by stressing about it but after talking about it and taking the pressure off along with a change of diet and exercise he's fine now. Could there be a simular problem with your dh?

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:31

Madamez- he has gone to the GP and had blood test- apparently nothing wrong. And it is definately not willy- wilt. We did have a relate appiontment after the car incident but I am still on the waiting list for another one.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/07/2008 15:33

It's not you, I can guarantee that, but it is confidence destroying to be rejected like that. Sounds like there's some major deep rooted problem going on that has nothing to do with you, but that won't go away until he faces it.

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:34

I have done taking the pressure off and his diet is good and he cycles to work. I don't think he is worried about me getting pregnant again.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 07/07/2008 15:35

Is there a remote possibility, lola, that your dh is gay?

ImLovinIt · 07/07/2008 15:35

So it's not willy wilt.

I'm sorry to ask but is there a possibility he could be seeing someone else?

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:41

I have considered both of these things. Gay and the possibility of someonelse. There is nothingelse indicating that he is gay. As to someone else; I don't think so because he doesn't really have the opportunity unless possibly someone at work.

OP posts:

madamez · 07/07/2008 15:42

If he went'loony' on you then lack of sex is not your only problem. It is, as others have suggested, possible that he is gay/seeing someone else, also possible that he has some fairly major pyschological problems. Other than the sex issue, how is his behaviour in general?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/07/2008 15:42

Was he ever more lustful? Is there any likelihood he was sexually abused in the past?

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:45

Behaviour is ok. But he can be quite controlling in some ways. This all started with the birth of our first daughter. I am not sure whether it might be to do with that; it was v. long distressing labour or whether I have changed since having children and he doesn't like the person I have become.

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 07/07/2008 15:46

Maybe since having children, it's changed his perception of you, perhaps he's got you down as 'mum' rather than 'sexy woman'...?

Original poster

lola24 · 07/07/2008 15:49

Kat2907 - he was prior to children. I don't think he had a particularly happy childhood himself; he is adopted and his adoptive mother used to be partcularly nasty to him sometimes. I just don't know what it is. I wish he would just talk to me; rather than hiding behind excuses.

OP posts:

maidamess · 07/07/2008 15:49

Could he be watching the adult channels till 12 and getting his kicks that way? (No substitute for a relationship I know ,but it may be a factor)

loopylou6 · 07/07/2008 15:50

Huw, you took the words right outta my mouth, iw as thinking the same, maybe since seeing you go through child birth, he may just feel that being intimate is 'wrong' and not be able to look at you in the same way again?

HuwEdwards · 07/07/2008 15:52

and I think if you had 'distressing' labours, maybe he's scared witless he will hurt you or that your undercarriage has altered somehow.

wannaBe · 07/07/2008 15:52

was he at the birth?

Did he see the head come out?

Some men can have issues with their wives in a sexual way after witnessing the birth of a child. It's as if they suddenly can't look at ... down there in the same light after having seen a baby come out of it.

How were things before you had your dc? and how did this rejection start out? what does he say when he rejects you?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/07/2008 15:55

Hmm, well this was ringing bells big time with an ex of a friend of mine, although they didn't even have kids. This guy's mum walked out when he was 18 months and he was raised by step mum which left him with all sorts of attachment/intimacy/relationship issues. Now you say he was adopted it rings even more bells. Could be attachment disorder and now you are a mum he is detatching from you or he is displaying some confusion as to your role -now you are mummy not wife and he can't have sex with you...or he is angry with you in an abscure way for becoming a mummy and not being his anymore, so 'leaving' him like his mum did, maybe he is jealous of DS and resents him taking you away from him...oh so many permutations, but this is all likely to be unconscious by the way so not easy to deal with

madamez · 07/07/2008 15:58

Well, sounds like he has a serious madonna/whore complex. this is actually pretty unhealthy and things could get a bit worse. I get the impression that he thinks there is something disgusting about you wanting sex, that in his eyes you are wrong for doing so (and this is a seriously abnormal way to think BTW) hence his bullying of you.

Toadinthehole · 08/07/2008 07:14

How about not waiting for Relate, but finding a private sex therapist? The problem could be relatively simple; you've waited since March, w hy wait longer? Until then it seems that all you can do is speculate regarding the possible causes. We had the same problem, and that is how we solved it.

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