How do you know if it's just a rough patch or if it's time to stop ignoring the voice inside you?

[PonderingThoughts]

What if...you've been in a relationship with someone for 8 years and you completely and utterly fell in love them & went with the flow but somewhere deep down, way way buried deep down you had always had this niggly thought/feeling that this 'perhaps' isn't the right person for you?

What if...you were told all of that by other people at the time and have spent all this time desperatley trying to prove them wrong (and done quite well so far - on the outide)?

What if...you'd been together 8 years and had the world had thrown a huge amount of crap at your relationship and you've spent 8 years 'fighting' the world and life just to try and achieve something 'normal' (& sort of won, so far).

What if...you know that the last has been bad & really hard BUT the problem making it bad is about to be significantly reduced?

What if...you fear that maybe this person is never actually going to be able to give you what you think you want from life and be the sort of person you want them to be?

BUT...what if you have a child together and are completely financially tied to each other?

Do you plough on through, say 'that's life - made my bed now I will lay in it'. Put it down to a bad patch and keep fighting for the relationship to try and make it/force it into what you want it to be as much as you can, even if that means sacrificing along the way, because maybe things WILL get better

OR

Do you listen to the voice that you've always previously tried to shut out and face up to the fact that you think (deep down) this is never going to fulfill you - even though other people's lives will be hugely affected - hugely....

Please don't beat me up...I do not/have not ever ackowldged 'little voice' in RL. I just wanted to this out there and see ?

.

Have you talked to your partner about how you are feeling?

Are you happy in yourself? I believe you'll never be happy with anyone unless you are happy yourself.

Have you run out of puff for the fight? If so, then yes, I think it probably says something profound about your relationshop. You should talk to DP though.

I could have written that post, almost word for word. I don't know what the answer is but I do agree that you have to be happy inside to have a decent relationship. I suspect feeling like this is normal and that you and I are having a bad week x

That is partly the probelm. Yes I have, but I don't get any response.

He just gets down and miserable and looks for any loopholes in the conversation to twist what I am saying.

He knows things aren't right but when he doesn't know what to do about something, he does nothing...literally, nothing. Doesn't talk about it, doesn;t acknowledge just carries on with everyday life hoping it will get better by itself.

He does think things will be fine when 'problem' I mentioned in OP is reduced ina few weeks time.

So, his answer would be option 1, do nothing, ride it through, bad patch....just keep swimming...

You sound like my h, he has walked out on me and our 3 children with no proper explanation. one of the things he has said is that he has always had niggling doubts about how suited we were but brushed them aside until now. We have also had a very difficult period ( him working away alot) which ends next year, its all i've been looking forward to.

I would urge you to talk to your partner about how you feel. My h never saud a word and i really thought we were happy. He has left devastation behind him. I just wish he had communicated with me.

( he has also found himself a 24 year old who understands him!)

You have the luxury of time - give it a few months to see if the reduction in stress that you talk of, works its magic.

I think most (but certainly not all) relationships are salvageable if both parties want to make them so - but only you and your DP can know if that is the case.

It can be really difficult having those sorts of conversations. Do you think he'd agree to relationship counselling? If not you could try writing everything you are feeling down in a letter and let him read it. Maybe he could write one to you about how he is feeling.

Its so difficult and only you really know. Thats not much help really...

The only experience I have like this is a very close friend had exactly the same thoughts, (except for you were told all of that by other people at the time and have spent all this time desperatley trying to prove them wrong (and done quite well so far - on the outide) and haven't been fighting the world) and she just felt that she wasn't fulfilled. She was desperately unhappy as she liked the guy, but wasn't in love with him and felt he didn't bring anything to her life. She left him a few months ago and he is totally devastated and cannot udnerstand why she has gone, but she feels a lot better. As a friend, I have to be happy that she is now happy and support her in that, although I cannot truly understand why she has done it. I di feel that there is a huge responsability when you have children and there should be an element of ploughing through. However, if they suffer as you are really unhappy then that may be another story. Talking about it with DP has to be the first step and its something that my friend never really did, mainly because her DP didnt want to listen. There is a huge chance that you will be able to sort it out and manage to make the best life for your children. We all make sacrifices for our children somewhere in our lives and I feel that is the way it has to be, but if you are truly unhappy and you have done all you possibly can to try and make it work, then you do need to listen to that voice and leave.

I hope you manage to find the best path for you and your family.

I must add that my friend went for counciling alone and there was a lot of talk of the 7 year mark where relationships naturally dip...is there a chance that it could be that?

Thank-you everybody..this is exactly the kind of responce and food for thought that I need at the moment.

I'm not sure if I am truely happy in myself...I'm not unhappy with me, but I'm not sure if it is something within me that's the problem or the sitation itself?! Will think more deeply about that.

I KNOW DP is unhappy in himself. Unhappy with his past. Unhappy with his job. I & DS offer him the future that takes away that unhappiness (or dulls it) I think. BUt he won't do anything to change anything, no matter how hard I try to encourage/support/push/shove etc. He just lets life happen to him with the attitude 'that's life'.

He has refused (completely dismissed actually!) councelling when I've suggested it in the past.

I have to go for now but will be back on Monday and will give some serious thoughts to your comments. Thank-you x

A really interesting op

If we are being honest - I think we all have little voices like this ...

.. I've given up quite a bit to be with my dh and sometimes I do have a "oh God what have I done/what if" moments despite still being very much in love with him.

To look at it really ruthlessly, although he's "the only one" for me and always has been, in reality I believe we could have all got together with a number of different people fairly satisfactorily and every relationship would have its good and not-so-good aspects.

When you say:

What if...you fear that maybe this person is never actually going to be able to give you what you think you want from life and be the sort of person you want them to be?

I'm no expert (and it's taken me YEARS to realise this) but I don't think anyone ELSE can really give you what you want from life - I think you have to go out and do that for yourself, ideally with your dh/dps support & encouragement - nor can you change someone to be who you want them to be, eventually you have to accept them for who they are.

It's different if you have a really resounding feeling in your heart that things aren't right but is it not worth delaying a decision until the immediate problem has been reduced anyway?

If you are having difficulties hearing what that "inner voice" is saying - at the risk of sounding too touchy feely - would it not be worth going to see a good registered psychologist and say these things out loud in confidence? That's exactly the sort of thing they are good at ....

Good luck with sorting it all out x

When I read the OP - I thought I could have written it, but reading on further made me wonder if I am Mung's friend. I've moved out after lone counselling and am so much happier for it. Even though I know that he isn't. My final straw was when he refused to go to counselling with me (I did spend nearly a year trying to get him to agree to go with me, before going on my own) or to even talk properly with me. I couldn't bury my head in the sand any longer.

Also, never underestimate the detrimental effect a child can have on a relationship .. I think this is really under-played a lot of the time ....

My friend is in France...I wouldn't have said it otherwise for fear of her being on here. It seems that you have given it a good go though ponderingtoo and its your DP who is refusing to face the situation.
Countingthegreyhairs seems to have some great advice there. I agree that we need to find our happiness ourselves, within. I also agree that there are probably a few poeple out there who 'are the one' and could get along with just fine.

I hope your 'thinking' goes well over the weekend...let us know what you come up with on Monday.

Going back to the OP. I think what you describe sounds fairly normal and the only thing I'd say is that its possibly too high an expectation to ask someone else to give you what you want in life. Its something you find together, that you both want.

Hi guys, still quite new to this so bare with me! The OP really struck a cord with me as I have totally the same feelings pretty much all of the time. When you put me and my DH on paper we have have nothing in common and you would never imagine us to be a couple, and i think that was half the excitement in the beginning. We had a wirlwind romance and got married and had our first baby very quickly ( and very young ). Now 9 years later i still have doubts that if i hadn't been pregnant, we would have lasted 6 months tops. Everyone joked at the time that he only married me because i was pregnant and i guess that thought has stuck. We've had 'the talk', even agreed to split, but when it came to it we couldn't bear to do it to our children. Just always have this feeling that we're 'plodding along' - making do. Try and convince myself that all marriages are like this really, but then you see couples that are so obviously sooooo happy and you think 'god - what am i missing'. But then what if he is the right one and you let him go?? I don't know..have no answers i'm afraid, just wanted to let you know that there are more people out there that feel the way you do, you just need to do what's right for you

No two relationships are the same.
Out there are maybe 100,000 people you could make a go of life with.
One true love? I don't think so.

I started my marriage wondering if I should have, and 13 years in it's up and down but a lot deeper than I would have imagined it to be. I guess it's not whether you match someone else perfectly at the start but whether you can grow entwined. A couple of good friends had an accidental pregnancy very young, stayed together to bring up their child, went through a lot and nearly split many times, and finally got married a few weeks before their son's 10th birthday and seem very happy.

It sounds like what is bugging the OP is that she is making all the effort, and she wishes her dp had a litle more spark.

I reckon counselling would be a good thing. It takes two to continue a relationship as well as start one, and never mind all that has gone by, this one needs work now.

Good luck.

dear pondering,been with my dh for 8 years too.

have every empathy with you.we have been through a really crappy patch for the last year.we split up for a couple of months which resolved nothing apart from the fact we werent arguing in front of the kids.

i have been having individual counselling and we have been goiung to relate and now we are basically starting to enjoy each others company and living with each other.
2 months ago i felt just like you but it has made a massive difference because of relate.

if your dh wants to save it all he will go for counselling either i would suggest going yourself.

good luck x

No such thing as 'fairytale romances' or 'happy ever afters' mostly hard work, compromise and companionship.

Well there is no such thing as 'the one'. There are a reasonable number of people with whom you could manage to live reasonably comfortably and happily - unless you are one of those smart people who prefers to live without a couple relationship at all - and for most people, the person they marry/live with/breed with is the one who is sexually attractive, pleasant company, a decent human being and THERE when the urge to pairbond strikes.

IN answer to the OP I would suggest considering two things (because your partner does sound a bit of a whining buckethead and if I lived with one of those I would bury him under the patio after about a fortnight)...
Firstly, how do you feel when you envisage him dating/shagging/marrying someone else?
Secondly, if you spend, say, a day or a weekend with the DC but without him, do you feel like a big black cloud has just gone away?

Seconding Madamez here.

The night after my ex left, I had the best night's sleep I'd had in several years... slept for 11 hours and awoke completely refreshed. I knew then that I'd done the right thing and that he was never coming back - or at least, if he did, it would not be back to the same sort of relationship.

We went to counselling, to see if we could salvage things and create a new sort of relationship between us. Sitting in the room with the counsellor made me and my ex both realise it was well and truly over. Counselling helps you realise the strength of your bond - for better and for worse.

I'd hang in there until the obstacle you mention was removed, and see if it makes a difference. Give it six months after that point to see how things change. I don't know what that obstacle is, but if you see another obstacle creeping in to fill its place (or the relationship not changing) I think you have your answer.

Hi PT

It all comes down to communication - he's always been like this and you've always known its a problem but it comes down to whether you can carry onlike this.

You can't really be mad at him for being as he's always been or because you can't change him.

The little voice is there for a reason I believe and he has one too what you need is the two them to talk to each other. If he can't/won't do it through face to face or relate, how about a letter or text message or getting him drunk! Something that takes away the fear of opening up.

Good luck.