How do you know if it's just a rough patch or if it's time to stop ignoring the voice inside you?

[PonderingThoughts]

What if...you've been in a relationship with someone for 8 years and you completely and utterly fell in love them & went with the flow but somewhere deep down, way way buried deep down you had always had this niggly thought/feeling that this 'perhaps' isn't the right person for you?

What if...you were told all of that by other people at the time and have spent all this time desperatley trying to prove them wrong (and done quite well so far - on the outide)?

What if...you'd been together 8 years and had the world had thrown a huge amount of crap at your relationship and you've spent 8 years 'fighting' the world and life just to try and achieve something 'normal' (& sort of won, so far).

What if...you know that the last has been bad & really hard BUT the problem making it bad is about to be significantly reduced?

What if...you fear that maybe this person is never actually going to be able to give you what you think you want from life and be the sort of person you want them to be?

BUT...what if you have a child together and are completely financially tied to each other?

Do you plough on through, say 'that's life - made my bed now I will lay in it'. Put it down to a bad patch and keep fighting for the relationship to try and make it/force it into what you want it to be as much as you can, even if that means sacrificing along the way, because maybe things WILL get better

OR

Do you listen to the voice that you've always previously tried to shut out and face up to the fact that you think (deep down) this is never going to fulfill you - even though other people's lives will be hugely affected - hugely....

Please don't beat me up...I do not/have not ever ackowldged 'little voice' in RL. I just wanted to this out there and see ?

I knwo exactly what you mean ponderingthoughts when you talk about "I KNOW DP is unhappy in himself. Unhappy with his past. Unhappy with his job. I & DS offer him the future that takes away that unhappiness (or dulls it) I think. BUt he won't do anything to change anything, no matter how hard I try to encourage/support/push/shove etc. He just lets life happen to him with the attitude 'that's life'.

He has refused (completely dismissed actually!) councelling when I've suggested it in the past."

DH is unhappy in his job, and tells me so every week. for the past 5 years I've been telling him that I am MORE than happy to have a lower income, that we have variuos options around downsizing etc which would mean he could do what he wants to do and have a different lifestyle etc. But he just brushes it off and refuses to change.

I've tried asking him what he wants to do and said i'll support whatever he choses but he just stays put and moans about hating his job, the worst part is when he says "I'm only doing this job to earn money to support you and DS"

I'm in a similar situaion, together 9 years, one DS. Did fight the world a bit to stay together and make things work and have had LOTS of bad patches (DS having SN, me getting very ill etc etc)

Its just getting to the point where I feel happier when DH isn't around, I miss him but what I miss is 30% of the time when its going really well.

tbh alot of the time I dont' even like him much righ tnow, I'd like to feel we coudl eb better friends if we werent' trying to live together as partners. It cna't eb good for DS to grow up in an atmosphere of sniping and tiredness.

I don't know how to thank-you all for your comments and advice on here! Every entry on this thread has been of use to me and given me something to think about...and in exactly the way I was hoping for - constructive, understanding, supportive and honest! Thank-you!

The weekend was pretty awful but I did do a lot of thinking. Tried to think about him being with someone else as Madamex suggested, and how life would be if I was single but just couldn't 'see' it to be honest! So, felt..nothing!
However, the thought of him collecting DS with a new partner and the 3 of them driving off for the day makes me feel physically sick!

My conclusions of the weekend are that I DO want this relationship to work - I just need things to change in order for it to work. We cannot communicate about this properly by ourselves, just turns into a row. Therefore, I REALLY want us to go for councelling.

I'm going to take another peice of advice from here and write to him. We really can't talk at the moment (and don't!) so I'm going to write my feelings about councelling in a letter to him and see where that gets me.

I have kind of run out of puff. I'm so fed up of being the instigater & 'doer' of everything in this relationship whilst he sits back and assumes no responsibility.

The 'probelm' that is going to be eased is a whole other thread my Step Daughter. She lived with us for a while which has bought about it's own problems and feelings. The situation has had a part in killing our relationship as well as highlighting so many problems that we've glossed over so far. Things will be eased when she no longer lives here, I know that, but I think the 'high-lighted' issues have gone too far for things to just 'settle down & go back to normal'. I think the giving things 6 months is a great peice of advice, though, thanks.

It's also comforting to know that these 'what if's' aren't just isolated to me!!

dear pondering

glad you have found mn usefull in helping you move forward
i always write stuff down as i am the bad communicator in our relationship and dh says he cant believe how much he has learnt about how i have been feeling the last year thru my writing to him

its really hard this issue about is he the one know it well but best of luck the couselling has helped us so much and our 3 dcs are much happier too

good luck let us know how you get on

That is exactly how I felt. I ignored "the voice" for over a year on account of having a baby together and the guilt I felt about wanting to break up our family kept me silent.

My husband initiated the split in the end, and although it has been very hard (and still is at times), I know 100% that separating was the right thing for us.

The only advice I can give is this; all the opinions in the world will not help you make your decision. Talk things through with your husband and LISTEN to your intuition, it is usually right!