Do you "thank" your dh for stuff?

[halster]

Dh and I have an ongoing issue about if, or when, we should "thank" the other one when we have done something for each other that is over and above our normal day to day routine. I would appreciate some honest views.

When he goes away or stays out till late seeing his pals (i.e leaves the house at 8am and then does not return till midnight, meaning that I have put the small and demanding kids to bed on my own after a long day with them, cleared up, cooked dinner, cleared up again, run up and down the stairs, etc etc )- I would like him to show that he appreciates this as I find it very hard. He thinks this is ridiculous. And that nothing should be said.

It also cuts both ways. For example, I went away for 3 days on a girls weekend recently and when I returned I said something along the lines of "thanks for looking after the kids I really appreciate it". My dh thinks that I should not have said thank you at all.

I am really struggling to understand his point of view. I feel that not acknowledging efforts like this means that they are somehow being taken for granted. He feels that it is just the normal give and take of family life. Any thoughts?

You are right, your DH very wrong IMHO.

Appreciation needs to be shown at every possible opportunity.

better to thank someone for something they would have done anyway than to take the other person for granted imo

I can see where you are both coming from, tbh.

If anything above and beyond the normal call of household duties arises, you do it because you just do.

A thank you, though, is an acknowledgement that the other party has noticed that you put a bit more effort in, and that effort is appreciated.

Is he a thanking type of person - does he say "thank you" when you bring him a cup of tea, for instance?

It might just not be in his nature to automatically say the words, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate what you do.

I agree with Anna
(shock horror!)

My dh says thank you all the time

Thanks for getting me a drink
thanks for making supper
thanks for a lovely weekend (on a Sun night or Mon am)

He goes out to play tennis on Tuesday evening and always thanks me when he gets home

I am the same

I think that thanking each other shows respect for waht you've done.

I once thanked DH for looking after the DC when I'd been for a weekend away, he laughed and said "they're my children, I'm not the babysitter" but appreciated my appreciation [warm and glowy emoticon]

If I come down in the morning and he has for eg emptied the dishwasher I say thanks
even though he does it 5 times a week!

So far as looking after the children is concerned, I don't really think thank yous are appropriate as they're both of your children, so not as if you're thanking a babysitter

BUT we do thank each other for other stuff, eg dh thanks me every night for making dinner and always says it was lovely even if it's crap, I thanked him last night for sorting out my tomato plants for me .If either of us takes the other to the airport at some ungodly hour, for eg, then we thank each other.

Not sure this helps you in any way!

yes you are right

saying thank you for even small everyday things shows respect and appreciation of each other and it is good role modelling for the children.
IMO

We always say thank you when the other has done something helpful. If he says "thank you" and I don't say "you're welcome" - he thinks that there is something wrong!

You are right. DH thanks me if he comes home from work and finds the house clean, and vice versa (although that happens less!) We both thank each other if we cook dinner for the other one, running a bath for each other, he thanks me for making his lunch every day although I do it every day. We both know I do more in the house than he does and he knows I will happily do it as long as I feel he appreciates what I do. Likewise he is often lazy but sometimes makes a real effort so I like to show him I appreciate him.

i expect my dp to "thank" or at least show appreciation for evrything i do for him actually! even the normal day to day things i.e. last night he told me that dinner i cooked was lovely and said thank you. and i do the same for him. when he watched our dds and my sisters dc's i was lookng after while i nipped out to the shop i said "thanks for watching them all i hope x wasnt too whingy while i was out?"

Thanking people is charming, and gives everyone a warm feeling. I think its especially important in a marriage, so noone feels taken for granted. And I thank him when I go out on my own, and he does the evening routine. Of course they are his kids, but I want to appreciate the fact I can go out whenever I want, without any family responsibilities.

Dh and I make the effort to thank each other for things - even the small things like taking the bin out. Its all about respect and I think mutual respect for each other helps in making a relationship work

Thanks all, some interesting views here. And thank god some of you see where I am coming from. I have recently started to think that I am being unreasonable.

It does go beyond the looking after the children thing - he also thinks it is "ridiculous", his words, to say thank you for a meal I have cooked for example. He has been brought up in an environment where his (lovely) mum never asked for thanks for anything really, and indeed never taught her children to actually say please and thank you when they were small (she has told me that). So it is his "norm" that you do not express appreciation if you see what I mean. He does try and say thank you now, but it is the fact that I know he thinks he shouldn't have to that gets to me. I think showing appreciation is healthy.

It can be hard if you have different expectations of courtesy. If DW comes in I offer her a drink every time; she doesn't do it for me, and will often get herself a drink without offering me one. I know I'm a bit uptight but it drives me slightly mad if I'm honest about it. How hard can it be to have manners?!

She doesn't say please and thank you for minor things as often as I do either, but neither do her family; they probably think I've got a stick up my arse. and bear it.

that would grate on my nerves too dadada i have to say!

Good idea Mutt.

Yes, we thank each other - not just for extras, we thank each other for the day to day stuff that we are 'expected' to do. The other day I said to him thanks for doing the tea. He said thanks?! Either of us can do it it doesn't have to be you! and I replied I know, but I still appreciate it.

You cannot underestimate how important it is to verbalise your appreciation for the extras and for the 'normal' stuff and, well, just for the teamwork!

Of course, in many other ways he is a twat of the highest order but hey, what can you do?

Well, she's perfect in every other way obviously.

I have in the past said 'oh, would you like a drink then' when it's very clear she's just got herself one. [passive aggressive wanker emoticon]