Do you "thank" your dh for stuff?

[halster]

Dh and I have an ongoing issue about if, or when, we should "thank" the other one when we have done something for each other that is over and above our normal day to day routine. I would appreciate some honest views.

When he goes away or stays out till late seeing his pals (i.e leaves the house at 8am and then does not return till midnight, meaning that I have put the small and demanding kids to bed on my own after a long day with them, cleared up, cooked dinner, cleared up again, run up and down the stairs, etc etc )- I would like him to show that he appreciates this as I find it very hard. He thinks this is ridiculous. And that nothing should be said.

It also cuts both ways. For example, I went away for 3 days on a girls weekend recently and when I returned I said something along the lines of "thanks for looking after the kids I really appreciate it". My dh thinks that I should not have said thank you at all.

I am really struggling to understand his point of view. I feel that not acknowledging efforts like this means that they are somehow being taken for granted. He feels that it is just the normal give and take of family life. Any thoughts?

I'm a pathological 'thanker' (and appologiser). DH thinks I'm nuts!

your DH is right

I find it odd to have to thank a child's parent for looking after their own children

telling someone you appreciate them is all very well .. but an empty thank you for putting the children to bed on your own is really odd

IMHO

Twiglett - I don't think that the thanks are to the other parent for looking after their own children, I think that the thanks are to the other parent for giving "time off" to his/her partner.

I don't formally thank DH for everything he does, and he doesn't always sat 'thank you' either.

I do feel appreciated, and I think he does too. I do say things like "see, that's why I married you" when he mends my computer, which I think he takes as a compliment

However, if you are feeling unappreciated because your dh doesn't do the formal thanking, then perhaps he should make more of an effort to do it. Feeling appreciated is key. IMO.

I think the problem with a lot of relationships is the failure to treat a partner with the same courtesy that you would treat any other human being. It should be a reflex really, instead of having to weigh up whether that person really "deserves" thanks in all the circumstances of the case. I say thank you in restaurants too, though it's their job to bring me food, and they say thank you when I pay for the meal, even though I would be arrested if I didn't. It doesn't cost anything, and it makes life a little more pleasant all round.

DH and I are frequent "thank-you"-ers, as well. It doesn't feel empty, it feels pleasant.

I suppose I'd compare it to a situation with colleagues or employees. Whenever I had employers who thanked me a lot, I'd want to do more for them.

We're also very aware of our sponge-like DS, and want to demonstrate good manners and pleasant behaviour to him as much as possible.

Agree with Twiglett.

yes, we thank in this house

HOWEVER

sometimes, dh will mop the floor for eg and then start going on and on "oooh look, I mopped the floor" and stand there all expectant

and as it annoys me so much, I don't say anything

I don't get thanked for mopping the floor [grumble grumble]

but day to day, yes, thank you's all round

No we don't and I'd think it was wierd if he started. I know he appreciates what I do and vice versa, it sounds very formal. He would say thanks went I hand him his dinner but not thank me for cooking it

My DH and I say thank you to each other when someone has done something thoughtful for one another. It doesn't hurt to say thank you or please. Good manners don't cost a thing and thoughtlessness and egotistical behaviour should have no place in a loving relationship.

I think it's kind of you to appreciate your Dh's care for the kids and letting you enjoy your girly WE. It may well be his duty, but that's not the point. Being appreciated and having one's care acknowledged certainly made him feel good and appreciated. Why would a thank you be 'hollow'?? It wasn't spoken with a sneer and in a sarcastic tone, was it?

I think it says a lot about a relationship if people are taking the other person's care and attention for granted. Especially men like a bit of ego stroking. Though I've also heard a lot of women on MN complain about feeling unappreciated. A small kind word will make a big difference.

I thank dh for cooking the dinner and make mmmmmm noises when eating it

tis polite surely?

and vice versa

Can't believe I've namechanged to admit this but ...

DH and I say thank you for sex. It just seems polite to express appreciation to someone who has given you a good time

Just thought I'd share that gratitude can be about more than looking after kids or bringing cups of tea.

And yes, there can never be enough children with good manners in this world. So, whichever way you talk to each other and people around you, your child will pick it up. Absolutely my point BBB.

i think it's manners. It shows appreciation. DP will say thanks for dinner darling 'tis lovely. I will say thank you if he has mopped floor, put washing on etc.

Am with Olive though, my DP gets so excited if he has cleaned the bathroom and actually says 'look look i cleaned the toilet' woopy de fuckin doo! i do it everyday and dont expect thanks!

So slightly contradictory but we do say thank you in our house!

I think a true expression of appreciation is worth a 100 rote thank yous

although I can feel my hypocrisy growing because I sewed some buttons back on to DH's work shirts and was waiting for the thank you .. that did come of course .. but I think I'd be cross if it hadn't

Oh thank god - I thought this was another "blow jobs for shoes" thread.

We naturally thank each other for things, although there are no set rules laid down about it. My husband will thank me with actions more often than not - so because he's been away all this week and I've been looking after our son on my own, knackered, pregnant and juggling our house rneovation, he is taking DS out for the whole day on Saturday so I can relax.

I think that if it is acknowledged that you respect each other then the minute by minute thank you's are not vital but I still like to hear them.

DH never thanks me for doing the ironing but the odd occasion he does it I say thank you as it means I have not had to do it.
if I washed the car he would say thank you as it is normally his job.

like someone else said though, it gets on my nerves that DH (& his family) just get themselves drinks as an when without offering anyone esle one.. apart from anything else it means the kettle is on and off loads!!

I think the key thing for me is that I do not feel appreciated about certain things. If I ask him if he appreciates stuff he will say yes, but does not show it or express it of his own volition. His view is that he has said before that he appreciates things therefore it need never be expressed or referred to again.

I agree with the majority of posters above. Saying thank you shows appreciation of what the other person does for you, and acknowledges them and their effort. It is basic good manners, and has an important place in any relationship.

Dh and I say thank you all the time, for all sorts of things.

WE thank eachother, DH even thanks me for clothes he buys with 'our' money that he earns!!

My DP is very fussy about my DD and I saying thank you to him for every little thing he does. However.....

this rule (as with many others he imposes) does not seem to apply to himself and his DS and DD who are not required to say thank you!!!

I personally think pleases and thank yous are very important but as others have said become meaningless if said for every trivial thing.

You are right and your DH isn't. Like Hecate, DH and I thank each other for the day to day stuff as well - even if it is DH's job to put the bins out, it is worth thanking him about so he feels appreciated and I don't have to do it!

I think pleases and thank yous are important; they show respect and consideration for the other person. And quite apart from anything else, it models good behaviour for DCs.