Who can I talk to about this?- I need some help.

[MaryPoppinsAteMyHamster]

DH has a temper.

Who can I talk to in confidence about it?

I need someone who is going to give me inbiased advice about what do. I have spoken to HVs in the past about it and all they seem to do is tell me to thrown him out. I don't want to do that unless my Dcs are indanger. I love my DH and I love my DCs but I'm stuck in the middle not knowing what to do. I find his behaviour totally unacceptable and I worry for my DCs mental health seeing their dad like that. He has refused to get help saying he has always been like this and doesn't need to change. I worry a lot about whoever I chose to talk to about this getting the police or some other official body involved.

I really would prefer to speak to someone face to face but currently have no one I trust enough.

Hope this makes sense. Sorry if not, am typing quickly. Who can I talk to? I am getting really worried now.

TIA namechange reg

I'm not - I need to speak 2 someone but not on here.

DCs always come 1st but I don't want to take them away from their dad unneccesarily

Temper in what way? Violence or just anger?

possibly these people may be running a course near you?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/index.cfm

or alternatively call Women's Aid? As they are bound to be used to women who are at the stage of feeling that something isn't right but don't want to leave right now.

gets angry quickly, throws stuff, kicks thingd swears a lot...like a large toddler in some ways

There is a difference between violent and aggressive though. Bad tempered, short tempered, shouty people, while it may not be nice, are not necessarily putting you in danger, as it were.

I have a friend with an extremely short temper. He gets angry, punches walls and such like. He is 45 and has never hit a person.

However, only you can know if your DH is violent, or is likely to be.

Does he get into fights ever? Does he threaten you/others will violence?

no and no DSM - he is just like the friend you mention but is it OK to be like that near your DCs? What does that tell them about how to behave? What if he threw something at them by accident? He picks them up pretty roughly when he is angry - I hate that.

He is actually a lovely guy with a stupid, stupid fault - he knows it is wrong. He would be a fantastic dad otherwise but that isn't the point. I need to know what to do about this and I'm stuck with no one I can rely on to ask.

he has never hit anyone other than when he was 10- and someone stole his luchbox at school. He has pushed me out of the way when I was 30wks pg and he was in a huff and wanted to get past thats about it.

What do you want to do about it? What do you want to happen?

I think depending on what you want, you can figure out who it is you need to speak to.

I want him to be able to control his temper. tbh I'm worried about him, the effect it has on his health and the DCs but the DCs need me - he doesn't IYSWIM

I don't expect him to be a saint but what he does now isn;t fair on any of us. I don't want our family to be split up hence why I found the HV very unhelpful, she just seemed to slag him off and tell me to leave. I don't want to talk about this behind his back and I feel awful doing so. I'm doing this for our DCs.

What does he say about all of this?
Does he know how you feel? Does he feel that he has a problem?

Here's a link about Anger Management Counselling. Presumably the difficulty will be persuading him that it's necessary - might be ultimatum time.

I don't think it is okay in front of your DC's to be honest, not really. But, its not the end of the world. As long as you know he is no threat to them. There are a lot worse things to have than a bad temper.

I do think anger management or something similar might be a good idea for him though. He shouldn't kick things or push people. He has a temper, fine. He doesn't need to 'get rid' of it, he needs to learn to control it better.

Maybe try putting it to him that way?

yes, he knows he has a problem - it has lost him jobs before and he has been suspended from work twice due to it too. He says I have to live with it.

he had a short course of anger management then quit

if he could only watch himself being like that I'm sure he'd realise how awful it is for the rest of us. Many grown men are genuinely scared of him so how must my poor DCs feel? - it's such a shame as underneath he is very kind and gentle - I know that sounds ridiculous but there are two sides to him.

I'm so very grateful for all your help - I really do have no-one else. You are all helping me and my DCs a lot - it is so good just to talk to others about this.

I think you need to make it very clear exactly what he risks losing if he doesn't seek help or learn to control his temper himself. Have you tried pointing out that, although he hasn't ever been physically violent, his behaviour in itself is frightening for you and therefore how must the DC's feel, never mind the example he is setting them.

If he does seek advice/therapy be very careful who he gets it from. My husband had a similar problem after our LO was born (a kind of male PND we think!). After 2 sessions the therapist he was seeing had helped him come to the conclusion that if I didn't wind him up so much he wouldn't lose his temper! Given that I'd just been dealing with a very very colicky baby for 4 months, was just about to go back to work even tho I didn't feel ready and was suffering from an underactive Thyroid and severe PND myself I was none too impressed!

Four years later I think he has long since realised himself that he needed to keep a bit of a check on himself, and although he now tends to be a sulky, moody bugger if he's upset about anything, we're all fine.

another thong that worries me is that when in a mood he says unkind things about our DCs - I don't want them thinking that what he is saying is either correct or acceptable to say. My parents said awful things about me and I believed them - I don't want my DCs to suffer like that. He never apologises - too embarrassed I guess..

atm every time he is home he is shouting and having tantrums - it is hard, we have a newborn

(the newborn is asleep on my lap hence the 'thong' instead of thing )

THe more you say, the scarier he sounds. ANd no, you don't have to live with it - there are always options. I know leaving isn't what you want, but I couldn't imagine living with someone like that.

I think you need to start using some scare tactics - in the "sort yourself out or we're off" vein. Something needs to make him see how unfair and unacceptable his inability to deal with his issues is.

Is there any way you could show him they way he is acting? Maybe make a video of him? I know that sounds a little crazy, but people are often shocked at their own behaviour when they actually see it.

He won't see what he is doing when he is doing it, thats half the problem with tempers. He also may well not want to face up to it, its not easy and he is probably embarrassed at his actions.

I don't know how you could film him, short of hiding a camera, but obviously that is neither practical nor very nice.

What do you do when he is in a bad temper? What makes him get angry?

I have given him ultimatums in the past...the effect did not last. I guess that meant I should have left but have no family support - he is all I have and when he isn't throwing a wobbly he is a wonderufl support and great fun to be with.

I know the therapist he saw - I saw him too for years for depression. Poor therapist had to do a good job to see us both at the same time.

I don't know what causes it DSM. Some days he just walks in the door and I can tell we're in for it (sounds a bit dramatic ). He is a different man. I ask how work was (very casually) he says all fine. We used to work together and I know that someimes he just changed for no apparent reason. Sometimes he has a good reason - DCs are hard work at difficult ages, other times he seems to have no idea why he is like it.

When he goes off I grab kids as calmly as poss and get them away. My dad was like this, I know not to do anything that will make it escalate. We have 3 DC - not easy to keep them all away from him when he is in a mood. Sometimes I think he gets in a mood just to get out of caring for the DCs. For the first 2 yrs of being a dad I did not leave him alone with DC1 - he was worse then, no idea how to cope with DCs - slowly I helped him get that skill and now I can leave him with them at times (not all of them at once though - too much for him right now)

At the risk of being completely wrong - I know nothing of your family so please do not take offence, but do you think he is suffering from severe mood swings? Could he possibly have a personality disorder?

Please, don't take this the wrong way. I could be completely wrong. Only you can tell.

"My dad was like this, I know not to do anything that will make it escalate"

I'm not criticising you, but you are caught up in this dynamic I think. I've heard very good things about the Freedom programme - I think it could help you decide how to go about things.

DSM - I really don't know about the personality disorder. I would assume not as he had to do several tests before his AM course and he was deemed 'sane'.

I'm not offended at all, I'm just incredibly grateful people are taking the time to help. You have to say what you think not say what you think I want to hear.

profgrammaticus - I think you are right to an extent. So many times I have thought OMG, I have married my father, In fact I have I guess. I didn't know of DHs temper before we got married but I have a strong suspiscion that I subconciously sensed it - suddenly someone who was like my dad wanted to be with me and I guess that must have done the trick for me. That said, in many ways he is the complete opposite of my dad. I will look at that programe when I get the chance - bit risky right now.