Who can I talk to about this?- I need some help.

[MaryPoppinsAteMyHamster]

DH has a temper.

Who can I talk to in confidence about it?

I need someone who is going to give me inbiased advice about what do. I have spoken to HVs in the past about it and all they seem to do is tell me to thrown him out. I don't want to do that unless my Dcs are indanger. I love my DH and I love my DCs but I'm stuck in the middle not knowing what to do. I find his behaviour totally unacceptable and I worry for my DCs mental health seeing their dad like that. He has refused to get help saying he has always been like this and doesn't need to change. I worry a lot about whoever I chose to talk to about this getting the police or some other official body involved.

I really would prefer to speak to someone face to face but currently have no one I trust enough.

Hope this makes sense. Sorry if not, am typing quickly. Who can I talk to? I am getting really worried now.

TIA namechange reg

Do you want to be with him? Do these bad points outweigh the good, or do the good points outweigh this?

it sounds completely awful. the more you post about him the more completely awful it sounds. poor you but much more poor dcs. how did you feel growing up with a father like that? what if they don't stay out of the way when he's having a fit? what when they grow older and are rude / answer back? he sounds as though he has a serious problem which he is unable / unwilling to address and that you are enabling him. because of your family history it feels quite "normal" to you. it's not.

I don't think it is fair to say it is not 'normal' controlfreaky. Because it doesn't happen in your household, its not normal?

Its not abnormal to have a short temper. He is not being violent towards her, that would be unacceptable behaviour. Some people have short tempers. Its not right to say that is not 'normal'.

Hi there, anger management can help. My partner went to the everyman project and now can see the difference between being angry and being abusive, we all get angry but its how we behave when we are angry that is important. Everyman offer help
to partners as well so you have knowledge of when you need to leave and a plan in case it gets too much.
They give the angry one a set of skills to manage anger, and rules to stick to when they get angry.
Its hard because men like this tend to think they are right all the time and look at things in black or white terms, they find it easy to blame others for their unhappiness. I think they find life really frustrating and often don't take responsibility for their actions/feelings.
My partner often gets angry, his sad/disappointed/vulnerable feelings all come out as anger, he doesn't know how to deal with vulnerability.
I tell him now when he is bordering on being abusive (swearing, yelling, putting down etc) and he knows he has to go out and calm down and then return when he thinks he can deal with things a bit more rationally.
I also agree that the children are not in a good situation, they may copy the behaviour or become reclusive to avoid confrontation.
Your own anger can get suppressed as well because you end up being the calming influence. It is really difficult.
Anyway, ring the everyman project, they are really careful and will not put you in a position to aggravate your partner. Read the website. You have the right to feel safe and he does not have the right to make you feel vulnerable.

ok. it is not acceptable / usual / appropriate / reasonable / ok / nice....

but i don't think it's normal. i don't think that this is the behaviour and atmosphere that most people and ther dcs have to live with / in.

ok. it is not acceptable / usual / appropriate / reasonable / ok / nice....

but i don't think it's normal. i don't think that this is the behaviour and atmosphere that most people and ther dcs have to live with / in.

ok. it is not acceptable / usual / appropriate / reasonable / ok / nice....

but i don't think it's normal. i don't think that this is the behaviour and atmosphere that most people and ther dcs have to live with / in.

oops.

I don't really have much constructive advice, but I myself have a bad temper . In our house it is more likely to be me shouting and throwing things, but I have really tried to keep a lid on it since we have had the kids. It's very hard, though , sometimes- the expression "blind fury" is scarily accurate sometimes. When you lose your temper, it is like you can't see, you just have this roaring in your head and a rush of destructive energy, which needs to be channelled. I do go outside and throw things until I have calmed down, but I'm not sure this is the correct way. DH handles me really well. He walks away and lets me get it out, then gives me a hug, then, when I have calmed down, a lecture! I am a lot better nowadays, but I think a lot of people don't understand just how hard it can be to control your temper if you are prone to outbursts. It's hard to explain, but it's like someone telling you it's silly to cry when you are punched in the nose- it is really almost reflexive.

If your DH is getting angry a lot recently, he possibly does feel bad about it deep down. Is there any chance you could get out together for a meal or something some night and just tell him that you have noticed he seems to be very stressed recently and quite aggressive. If the kids have commented it might be worth telling him, so that he realises how he appears to them. He might be more amenable to discussion in a relaxed neutral setting. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but is it possible something is worrying him or stressing him. If he is otherwise a good partner, I wouldn't say it should be a case of leave him or put up. FWIW, despite my aorrible temper I am 100% confident I would never hurt anyone (apart from myself- I have really hurt myself hitting inanimate objects in the past!) and I don't do it in front of my kids if I can help it- on the very odd occasion that I have gotten angry in front of them, I have apologised, and made sure that they realised it was MY problem, and nothing to do with them. Not sure if this is helpful at all, but hope you manage to work it out.

Firstly, I disagree. I think that to say that 'most' people don't live with someone with a short temper is incredibly naive.

This man, from what I gather, is not physically violent. I will agree that would not be acceptable. However, a short temper is, unfortunately, very common. You are obviously very lucky if you have a partner who does not have a short temper, however, I still thin it is wrong to class it as 'not normal'.

Even if it is the minority, it is still wrong to class it as abnormal, and certainly won't help anyone.

Marypoppins - your DH is not abnormal, he has a problem, and it needs to be addressed. But he is not abnormal, and whatever you do, please don't think that. You, and he can get help if you want it. It will not be easy but if you both work at it, he can control his temper.

I can't offer much help, but am here to talk if you would like to.

Sorry jooly - that was not to you, your post is wonderful and sounds like it will be very helpful and comforting for the OP

Dittany - I don't think this man sounds violent. I have pushed people before and I am the least violent person you could ever meet.

Pushing her was wrong, but in context, I think I can understand it. Not everything is black and white.

Seriously, pushing someone?

Hardly constitutes extreme violence.

He didn't push her aggressively, by the sounds of it. he pushed her away, to get by, in anger. Not 'right' per se, no, but not reason to leave your husband and father of your children.

Tbf too, we are only really being shown a couple of snapshots, one dimension of this man's character. He may have other wonderful facets to his personality, but it seems that people are prepared to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. It makes me feel pretty bad- I'm sure I have pushed Dh out of my way in temper in the past, but I don't consider him to be a poor battered pathetic husband. I'd like to think that I have other qualities which make him able to overlook this particular failing, and maybe the OP's husband does too.

Really sorry to do this, but I have to go to bed, so I am cutting and pasting from a previous thread. Your dh sounds a lot like mine. Mine has had help in the last 6 months (see below) and has turned himself around a lot. He still have a short temper compared to some, but I can definitely notice the difference, and I trust him (really) not to hurt me or the dcs. (I am a regular, but this is not my real name.)

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My dh has always been volatile and prone to angry outbursts. In the 16 years we've been together, he has hit me I guess about 5 or 6 times. Always in the throes of a row. Always linked with me becoming what he terms 'hysterical' [now there's a nice word with misogynist roots, eh?]. Different root causes each time - same end result. Only once in front of the dcs. Usually late at night. Dh does drink, but doesn't get drunk, so alcohol may exacerbate the situation but doesn't cause it.

The last time dh hit me was a year ago. My dcs are getting older (though they weren't in the house on this occasion) and I was worried that, as they got older, his anger would turn on them. I am not scared for myself - he never attacked me in a protracted way, always just one (hard) slap (hard enough to knock me down and certainly hard enough to silence me) - but am scared that my children would one day provoke him in the same way that I do. I told him that I was not prepared to live with the fear of getting hit again myself and/or of him turning on the children, and that I couldn't stay with him unless he showed me that he was prepared to do something about his problems with controlling his anger.

Tbh, for a while he did nothing, or at least nothing obvious. He did look up some info on the net and increased the amount of exercise he was taking, but there was no obvious change in his personality. I issued him with an ultimatum at the end of last summer, when he had been particularly hard on one of the dcs (not physically hard - just particularly intolerant, iykwim). I told him that just reading about anger on the net was not enough and that he needed to do something if he wanted our marriage to survive.

Finally, he realised I was serious and he saw his GP who referred him to what I believe was a community mental health nurse based in the practice. (I know she described herself as a nurse, not a counsellor.) This was a huge step for dh - admitting he had a real problem and actually doing something about it. He was quite resistant to the nurse's suggestions about the possible causes of his behaviour at first and really pooh-poohed her suggestions. BUT... he really opened up about his problem and talked openly about it to both me and his mum (his dad was exactly the same, apparently). The nurse recommended this book, which he also initially pooh-poohed but then admitted to having found useful. It has been a slow process, but there has been a definite change in him, and I am really willing to believe now that he won't hit me or the dcs in future. I have seen how much better able he is now to contain his anger and to channel it into more productive activities. He gets much less worked up about things, and even when we have rowed he has been able not only to calm himself down, but also to apologise to me and (miracle!) to admit to having been in the wrong. Overall, too, he just seems happier.

I cannot say 100% that he will never hit me again. When he has done it before it has always come out of the blue and never as part of a regular pattern of behaviour. However, I am willing to trust him and to believe him when he says that he will not. I feel that our marriage is stronger now than ever and I am hopeful for the future.

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MaryPAteMyH... I hope that you can persuade your dh to get some help. Thinking of you.

Mary Poppins,

Re your comments:-

"yes, he knows he has a problem - it has lost him jobs before and he has been suspended from work twice due to it too. He says I have to live with it".

Well no you don't actually but you have chosen this to date. Why do you think he is not willing to actually address why he becomes so angry. He's lost two jobs because of it, can he not see the emotional damage that he has caused?.

"He had a short course of anger management then quit"

That is also worrying. Why did he quit this anger management course; you must have felt very disappointed not just to say hurt again.
He has to want to seek help for his own self, you can't make him attend such a course much as you want him to attend.

Think about this too. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents; what exactly did you both learn from these people?. You write that your Dad was like this - you've learnt lots of damaging lessons from him and now your children (the next generation so this issue can cut across generations as well) are caught up in what you went through. You subconsciously chose a partner that was like your Father. You learnt to avoid conflict and anger at all costs by shielding yourself but your husband learnt from his childhood to become Mr Angry.

Re present day what are you both teaching your children now about relationships?.

Ultimatums have to be kept to the letter - if you back down after stating an ultimatum it loses its power and gives the other person a green light to continue.

He has stated that he will not change. Therefore you can only change how you react to him and seek support for your own self.
You are only responsible for your own self and your children ultimately. They have no voice currently.

"When he goes off I grab kids as calmly as poss and get them away. My dad was like this, I know not to do anything that will make it escalate. We have 3 DC - not easy to keep them all away from him when he is in a mood. Sometimes I think he gets in a mood just to get out of caring for the DCs. For the first 2 yrs of being a dad I did not leave him alone with DC1 - he was worse then, no idea how to cope with DCs - slowly I helped him get that skill and now I can leave him with them at times (not all of them at once though - too much for him right now)".

This just isn't right is it? Being an adult is about keeping your temper with the kids as far as possible even when they are being particularly trying.

Wow! Thanks for all the replies.

It's interesting to read what you have all said. This is going to sound ridiculous but I tend to agree with all of you. There is a dichotomy where I feel this is very wrong but also where I feel it is only one part of his behaviour and he isnt violent so is it as bad as I feel it is (tbh I think it is).

It is hard to say if the good points outweight the bad. He has many many good points and really (apart form the usual niggles that we all have) only this one bad point. However it is a big bad point. I think that when he has been very angry it feels as though it outweighs the good, but when he has been fine then there is no way I would want to be apart from him. tbh I don't want to be apart from him anyway, just to get him to change this part of his behaviour.

Controlfreaky - I have often thought about the points you made, the effect on our DCs etc which is why I am worried.

Jooly - thanks very much for your insight. DH and I have discussed this before and he has explained how he feels in a very similar way.

Dittany - this is the thing. He is a very big guy and that makes him pretty scary when angry. He is also very strong. My DCs do seem a lot less scared of him than I would expect them to be which made me wonder if I was over-reacting. I was terrified of both my parents (my mum was much worse) and there is no way on this earth I will put my DCs through that - it stays with you throughout life.

Re the pushing bit - he pushed me out of the way, he didn't walk over and push me - I was between him and the door and he needed to get out - I don't even think he saw me at the time. It was witnessed by a lot of colleagues.

Atilla - I think he is embarrassed by his temper hence why he doesn't find it easy to seek help. He is not a big talker and keeps things bottled up (doesn't help at all). To clarify with the anger management course, he didn't quit as such, the therapist did not want to continue the treatment at the time becasue DH had just lost his mother (who he adored) - he was devastated and found it hard to concentrate on the work involved to overcome his anger. That said, I know for a fact he told the therapist he had bought a book recommended to him but he hadn't. Hardly shows committment but then I think he will need a lot of encouragment to work on this and I had no idea he had been told to work through this book.

He screams at the DCs sometimes and swears at them. I tell him to stop, he says

'why?, they do it to me (i.e scream)?'

my response - yes they are 2 and 4 you are nearly 40 .

How do you deal with that sort of pathetic attitude? I've told him it is pathetic, he shrugs his shoulders, I repeat myself, he storms off in a huff. When things calm down I try to broach the subject again - same response.

I have decided that next outburst is going to lead to me suggessting he goes back for more anger management. I've been putting off doing this recently and burying my head in the sand. With the new addition to cope with plus the two DCs being hard work I really don't know how I can handle it all but I have to for my DCs.

I'm also going to get a book I read about on here called 'how to talk so your kids will listen....'. I think it would help a hell of a lot if he had better parenting skills. If I leave it in the bathroom he'll probably flick through it. I try not to get too involved when he is with the DCs so he can learn to cope with them himself and find his own way. Recently the whole time he has been at home (not much sadly) he has just complained about how the kids are a PITA. They really aren't that bad, just normal for their age. I don't think it is very nice to sit and hear your dad moan about how his life has suffered now he has them (wtf????). They are wonderful kids and he agrees but sometimes he gets into this silly attitude for weeks. Really thinks he needs to grow up and listen to himself.

haven't had chance to read this through so hope it all makes sense.

Just a quick reply, as you've had so many great responses already.

My father was aggressive & verbally abusive towards my mum when me and my sister were growing up. I cannot tell you how deeply it has affected us both. He never actually laid a finger on her, and he never hurt or threatened us (was always a 'gentle giant' with his daughters) but still - his explosive temper and the horrible things he said in anger towards my mum have had a profound affect on me and my sister and our own relationships that has run well into our adult lives. My mum divorced my dad when we were 7 and 8 yrs old and I thank God that she did. My sister and I are now able to have a good relationship with our father, but his behaviour towards my mum was unacceptable, and if it had been allowed to run unchecked for much longer I dread to think how it would have affected us all.

He needs help. Until he gets it, I would want out of the situation if I were you, if only for the sake of your children.

tbh screaming is too strong a word, more shouting, but he does swear at them at times.

My dad was exactly the same so I have some understanding of what my DCs are experiencing (although, my dad was worse in that he did hit me at times). My DH doesn't 'think nothing' of what he is doing he does feel bad about it but seems to not want to face up to things. Going to have to give him a good reason to I guess...

MaryP, the thing is that you have had this as a child and you do not feel that you have been damaged. But expose two kids to the samke situation and one will be fine and the other feel that they have been devastatingly abused. You cannot predict what this is doing to your children.

I think actually that you have been affected: the "not doing anything to escalate things", the watching to see what sort of mood he will be in when he gets home, those are signs of someone who has been abused (sorry the word abused is abused itself but you have been adversely affected by your parents' behaviour is what I mean) and your children are getting the same thing.

Kids believe what people tell them. My poor sister had to share a bedroom with me when she was 15 and I was 6. She told me repeatedly that she hated me, as many teens would, and I accepted that without question. I am only really getting to know her nearly 40 years on.
So if my Dad spent a lot of time telling me how much I had mucked up his life, yes, I think that would have been a lasting problem.

You do need to get your husband to seek help. If it means threatening to leave, and meaning it, I would go that far. You are prevented from doing this by your own lack of assertiveness. You too need help to deal with that, in order that your marriage can be more equal, if it survives. But this is serious, I'm afraid. You know it is really.