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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having real problems with dp, not talking, he is going to AA, talk to me please

30 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 02/07/2008 20:39

As some of you might have read my dp went out saturday night, didnt contact me and turned up home at 4am. I locked him out and he ended up staying in a hotel. I had all the sorry txts from him and as a result he was meant to be going to AA tonight. He didnt go and said he is going Friday instead. He is drink dependant i believe and not an alcoholic. He drinks fast when he is out and can stay out all night. He drinks 5 nights out of 7 probably. Some nights just a few cans and others over 10 pints. He goes to my sisters with beer in a bag when no one else is drinking. His dad was an alcoholic, so is his brother ans uncle and cousins!Anyway i am not really speaking to me altho he txt me and said he would rather be dead than lose me and the kids. He hasnt drank since saturday. He just eats loads of sweets. I am not contacting him in the day like usual we nly talk about necessary things. He has just gobne for a drive, i think hes finding it tough. Cant bring myself to talk to him. Atmosphere is awful, i want to run away

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Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 02/07/2008 20:48

I meant i am not really speaking to him!Oh yeah and when things are really bad i dont make his sandwiches. I havent made them all week! I dont know what he is thinking and he is probably thinking the same. Its horrible living like this. Were meant to be going to Spain in 2 wks, ahhh!I wonder where he has gone, i hope he has just gone for a drive and not the pub. He is a lovely man but the drink turns him into someone else.He has terrible mood swings and a very short temper. I dont want my kids growing up thinkng drinking most days of the week is ok cause its not. Dont get me wrong he goes to work everyday but he spends more on booze than we can afford. Anyone else in this situation?

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ginnny · 02/07/2008 21:50

Yep!!! You could be describing my dp.
Sorry to say this but from what you have said he is an alcoholic. The fact that he goes to work every day just shows he's a functioning alcoholic.
I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I've been to hell and back trying to cope with dp's drinking and things have got so bad between us that we aren't living together anymore. Like yours he is lovely when he's sober, but when he's drunk he's a monster.
I've started going to AlAnon meetings and I highly recommend it - its so helpful to talk to other people in the same situation.
If he's serious about going to AA that's great, but if he's anything like my dp he'll promise that just to get you off his back. My dp agreed to go to counselling at his GP's surgery, but ended up having his counselling in the pub and lying about it
Hope this helps. Sorry its a bit of a ramble!!

ginnny · 02/07/2008 21:54

Also - have a look at this thread, its helped me through some tough times.
(I'm ginnedup on there btw, I got fed up with my name for obvious reasons!!)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2008 13:58

shattered,

In your man's case (I hesitate to use the word partner because he is clearly not) he is clearly drink dependent and I would also say alcoholic (like many of his male relations).

Why do you not say he is an alcoholic?. He tells you he isn't?. Too painful to admit to yourself perhaps?. What's your image of any alcoholic?. I think you need to educate yourself further and look into attending Al-anon meetings as ginnny writes. Having a look at Al-anon's website would be a good starting point for you.

You write as well that many of his male relations are alcoholic; not surprised at all to read that as this can be learnt behaviour.

You cannot enable him any more; women of such people often turn into enablers (do not make his sandwiches for him any longer!) and shield them from the consequences of their actions.

You need to remember the 3 c's -
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You cannot save him or rescue him (he has to want to do that for his own self) but you can certainly save your own self and any children you have from further pain by leaving him.

I do not say such things at all lightly but you're all being dragged down by him currently and children who grow up with an alcoholic parent can end up having all sorts of emotional problems to deal with as adults. They are also more likely to choose partners who are themselves alcohol dependent.

Go to Spain without him. Take his name off the booking form.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 03/07/2008 16:42

Thanks for your replies. In answer to some of your points he doesnt say he not being an alcoholic, i have researched it and come to the conclusion that alcoholics would do anything for a drink and lie about getting it whereas dp isnt like that.I will have a look at some of the sites mentioned and get back to you, Thanks again. He has asked if we could have a takeaway tonight and look forward to a well deserved holiday together. He has also agreed to me managing the money.

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Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 03/07/2008 16:42

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ginnny · 03/07/2008 18:14

SM that's just one aspect of alcoholic behaviour. The fact that he drinks daily, and the amount he's drinking, and also the fact he spends money you can't afford on it are all alcoholic traits, so is the fact that he can't go to a non-drinking house without a bag full of cans (something my dp does too)
Do look at Alanon - it will help you understand it all better.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 03/07/2008 18:25

I will ginnny thanks
As he says he has a couple of days off. These are days where he will go to football practice, come home after have his tean and drink water. Only on footy nights usually.Im not sticking up for him as ive said many a time that he is an alcohoic. I thinks its harder being an alcoholic partner. He is at footy practice with ds now and we have parents evening after. He hasnt drank since Saturday and he wont drink tonight. I know he is going out for a couple of hours Saturday afternoon with his friend who isnt a big drinker.That will probably be the next time he has a beer. He said he will go to AA tomorrow night so we will see. He said he wants to hear other peoples stories

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ginnny · 03/07/2008 18:43

Thats good then SM - at least he's open to the idea that he may have a problem.
He sounds so much like my dp but with a big difference - I've tried for 3 years but I can't get him anywhere near an AA meeting!!
Good luck - hope it all works out for you.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 03/07/2008 20:52

thanks ginnny

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Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 05/07/2008 07:51

surprise - he didnt go.He said he wasnt ready and he didnt want to sit with a load of strangers. Stayed in and had 2 cans instead. I keep thinking am i over reacting as he has only had 4 cans since saturday after he had been ou drinking for 10 hours. A normal week is he has cans in the house tuesdays thursdays fridays goes out sat and sun afternon fir a couple of hourse. He works and does stuff with the kids.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2008 08:11

shattered,

No, you're not overreacting at all; you are in the midst of a serious problem. Your man is a functioning alcoholic who can currently hold down a job. Am very sorry to say this but his primary relationship is with alcohol and the rest of you are well down the list. You're all suffering in different ways because of his drinking. This also affects your children; it will do them no favours at all to grow up in a house where one parent is an alcoholic one.

You need support for your own self; alcoholism affects everyone around them.
Please call Al-anon and talk to them. They won't judge you and they can help.

You cannot help him ultimately as he has to want to help his own self but you can change how you react to him. You may love him but love is not enough here and he loves drink more.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 06/07/2008 10:16

I know I am just playing a waiting game

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MrsMacaroon · 06/07/2008 12:23

If he wants to email my husband who has a similar problem (can go without booze for while but has little control when drinking- 'problem drinker' we call it), I will happily pass his email address on to you.

He stopped drinking of his own volition 8 years ago after it caused huge problems in our relationship. We both come from alcoholic families so have much experience of this type of situation...AA isn't always the way. It can help and is a lifeline for some people but my DH stopped without it. Cognitive therapy can be helpful.

Al-anon is great for supporting families- often educating the partner is the best way to tackle things as they realise that they are often unconsciously feeding the problem.

My DH wouldn't try to recruit him to AA so if he wants someone non judgmental who has been in his shoes to chat to, the offer is there.

noddyholder · 06/07/2008 12:33

He is an alcoholic.That sounds harsh but sometimes it is the only way.He needs to go toAA for himself and tackle why he drinks and what it is helping him to forget.Then he needs to deal with that.It sounds like a long road and it is tbh but so worth it in the end.You need to be supportive but not get dragged into the whole thing and i agree al anon may help you to step back and look after yourself.My dp hasn't had a drink for 15+ yrs (we are old codgers!) and his life turned around and he couldn't be happier.HTH xx

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 06/07/2008 15:48

Thanks for that. I doubt he would be happy about me even talkin about it on here so thanks for the offer but I wont tell him for the minute. He had alot to drink yesterday and has gone 'for a couple of pints' now. ack at 5 for tea. He said he isnt going to drink in the week now so we will see how that goes.

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MrsMacaroon · 06/07/2008 17:40

No amount of drink monitoring will help i'm afraid...until he stops, he will drink alot, have binges, little less for a while etc etc etc. That's what alcoholics do. It won't sort itself out and you need to understand and accept this. Don't hide things or be afraid to talk about it and get help...the shame factor can really get in the way of finding a resolution.

The offer remains indefinately.

noddyholder · 06/07/2008 17:45

Agree with macaroon.The alcohol is controlling him and if he could control it he wouldn't be where he is now.He has no power over it but he needs to accept that and want to do something about it.Then you will see progress

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 06/07/2008 19:31

Thanks Mrs ( and MR )Macaroon

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ginnny · 07/07/2008 13:54

Don't know what to say Shattered.
I'm very for you.
I am in the same situation and its crap. I am probably further along the line than you and Alanon is helping me (I'm actually looking forward to going tonight, just because it makes me feel calm and puts things into perspective in my head).
MrsM is right - counting his drinks won't make a jot of difference, it will just drive you mad.
Keep talking to us on here - it does help to know others are going through the same thing.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 07/07/2008 18:44

Thanks Ginnny. I went out with my 2 best friends Saturday and was discussing it. They said 'why, hes n an alcoholic is he?I know he likes a drink tho'. I havent got anyone that really understands. His mom has been through the same with his dad who no longer drinks thanks to AA.I cant talk to her though, too close if you know what I mean. He has footy tonight so he wont drink but he wasnt in a very good mood when he got home from work.I always think is that cause he feels pressured that he wont be having a drink tonight?

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ginnny · 07/07/2008 22:06

You are right, nobody understands unless they have been through it. I'm lucky that my Mum and one of my friends have been there and they are so supportive.
I'm not surprised to hear that his dad was am alcoholic, it usually runs in families.
Does he get on with his Dad? Maybe his dad could help him and take him along to a meeting, then he wouldn't be among strangers.

lesleyapril65 · 07/07/2008 22:17

Oh my god - I can so relate to your situation. My husband and I are now getting divorced and I like you put up with the drink, with the promises, etc. From experience and years of tears once a drinker always a drinker, my husband went to the pub every day and got worse and worse and every night came home pissed, caused a fight and always did and he too had a family full of alocholics, please listen to me - I have been through hell for the last 3 years, I have made excuses for him, I have given him the benefit of the doubt, but do you know what it was all on deaf ears... I am now on my own, well I have my kids, but I am without him and 8 months on I am now so much more content and no longer dread that key going in the door getting ready for the next drunken row....
Please listen to me and understand he will never change, he will manipulate you and love you in his own way - but the drink will get the better of him ALWAYS and as it is in the family is is in the genes... my advice to you is get out while you can... I stayed for years and it did me no favours at all... sorry to ramble but I really feel for you I have been you, I stayed, I tried but it was all so one sided.... be free, enjoy life you only have one !!!!

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 08/07/2008 16:11

Sorry about what happened to you lesley. Im not sure my dp is that bad or maybe im kidding myself. He doesnt drink on Mondays and Wednesdays but has a few cans on other days and maybe 1 weekend in the month he has a 'mad one' and stops out drinking.Every Sunday afternoon he goes to the social for 2 hours?Is that as bad as your situation used to be like?

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ginnny · 08/07/2008 22:03

Hi Lesley - your story sounds familiar . But good on you for getting out of it and finding happiness.
Shattered - your dh may not be as bad as Lesleys or mine but if its upsetting you its a problem. If you feel you can cope with it at the level it is then fine, but if you can't then there is lots of help out there (and on here!).
I have friends who's dhs drink a lot more than yours and they don't see it as a problem, but also have other friends who wouldn't put up with half of what I have. Its all relative, you need to decide what is acceptable to you and your dc really.

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