Was my mum inappropriate when I was a child?

[Sockonthefloor]

I have recently had some talking therapy and it has made me think again about my mother's behaviour when I was a child. I hadn't thought of it for years but now that I have again I am becoming increasingly annoyed and upset with her as I feel it might have been abusive. But I just don't know.

When I was growing up, it was just her and me. My dad left when I was 6, and we moved into a small flat with one bedroom. My mum made huge sacrifices for me, including sleeping on a sofa bed most nights for over ten years and working two jobs to keep food on the table.

But the more I think about her behaviour sometimes, the more I worry that there was a sexual element that I either didn't realise at the time or wanted to ignore. Examples are as follows:

• She kept what I now know was a vibrator in the bedside drawer in my room (the only bedroom). I can't remember when I realised what it was, but I was told not to touch them and that they were for grown ups, and I do remember knowing what it was at some point.
• She kept a pair of VHS videos in the sock drawer (this was the mid 90s). When I was old enough to be left at home alone I watched them out of curiosity, and discovered that they were porn. This was my first exposure to anything like that, and I think as a result I had an unhealthy relationship with porn in my teens.
• She was naked round the flat a lot. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I wonder why that was. Sometimes she slept in my bed with me whilst naked, and although I must stress that I can remember absolutely no sexual physical contact on these occasions, why would she do that?? She also didn't respect my privacy in this regard at all, and would often come into the bathroom when I was using it, well into my teens when I was not a little girl any more.

My mum has always been a great mum. And I remember nothing that you would say was actual acts of abuse. But the more I think of it the more confused I become about why she would have exposed me to these things and behaved in this way. I don't know what to do about it. Should I mention it to mum? I get that she was an adult and I get that we lived in a tiny flat. But why did she not hide things more? And the nudity thing bothers me too now. It's a fine line between having no body shame (fine) and being inappropriately undressed (not fine).

Are you also female?

Yes.

I don't really think having a vibrator or owning porn is particularly inappropriate.
And some families are very comfortable being nude around one another.

She should have kept her personal items more secure. But why does the nudity bother you so much? Has something happened more recently to make you feel angry at her?

No by the sounds of it, she put it away out of sight etc and you went snooping for it!

Keeping your vibrator in your DDs bedside table isn’t appropriate.
Leaving porn where your child can see it isn’t appropriate.

It wasn’t her ‘daughter’s bedside table’, it was in the only bedroom. Do you think that makes this woman sexually abusive though really?

Well it sounds like they shared drawers so where was she meant to keep them?
Porn was on blank vhs tapes so not inappropriate unless watched

I guess she simply had nowhere to hide her vibrator and porn video so she just told you it didn't concern you. Not an ideal situation but I wouldn't deduce there was anything wrong with her actions

The first two things seem less than ideal, although I guess in a one bedroom flat there aren’t many places to hide things.

The being naked part was very normal in my house as a child and never made me feel uncomfortable. Also had a single Mum. If we wanted privacy we would lock the bathroom door but usually we weren’t bothered!

Nudity in her own home is fine as is sleeping naked.

Keeping the vibrator in your drawer is very strange. Presumably space was short if she had to sleep on the sofa but it was a poor choice of hiding place. Were the videos in your drawer as well? I can see that she may have struggled with where to keep personal items if she didn’t have her own bedroom. Was your bedroom originally hers? Maybe she just kept putting her personal things where she always had and didn’t think it mattered if you were too young to know what they were.

i don’t think so. It sounds like your mum sacrificed a lot to raise you.

Vibrator is a bit odd but other stuff nah. My mam was often naked in front of me (f).

Why are you in counselling?

I think she could have kept things more securely away but unless there’s anything more then no this doesn’t sound sexually inappropriate. She sounds like she didn’t respect your boundaries about not feeling uncomfortable being naked and respecting privacy in bathroom but this sounds more like thoughtlessness or similar - I can’t see a sexual motive personally

She sounds a bit careless. Not abusive.
The nakedness is fine. She wasn’t being creepy just naked in her home. I think your’e over thinking it or your therapist has encouraged you to.

At the time I thought it was normal. But I remember asking for privacy as I got older and not getting it, which I found annoying. I suppose the thing that has made me think of it more now (aside from having the opportunity to talk about it) is that I have daughters of my own now. It just seems completely wrong to me to sleep naked with them. I don't mind them seeing me naked or whatever, if they are around and I happen to be undressed, but nothing more. And as they get older I will absolutely give them the privacy I wasn't given.

I wouldn't say that this was abuse but maybe your mum just didn't have an issue with nakedness and her sexuality. This doesn't mean you should just brush it under the carpet but I think you should speak to her if you can to clear the air for you.

I was born in the 60s and can remember my dad having Playboy and other mags under the bed. I was snooping in my mums wardrobe for Xmas presents and found a box of sex toys, I even accidentally watched the beginning of a "home movie" in my teens which i can never forget!!! BUT my mum and dad didnt mean me any harm, they had a healthy sex life and chose not to hide it too deeply.

Can you speak to your mum? I think I'd prefer my single parent to use a vibrator than have sex with different men if I were in the house tbh.

Keep having your therapy to help you along. I hope you get to where you need to be x

She should have been more discreet about all of these things and not allowed you as a child to see them. Her behaviour was certainly inappropriate.

The thing is, what do you want to do with this now that your therapy has so helpfully surfaced it? How does it help you move forward positively? If you mention it to her there’s a big risk she gets defensive, as anyone who is criticised will do.

No doubt you now need some additional therapy sessions to process this, which is good news for the therapist’s pocket isn’t it?

I wonder if your therapy will be taking you in the direction of going no contact with her?

Think about who benefits when people do that - it’s “ker-ching” for the therapist isn’t it?

Your mum had a vibrator in her bedroom? Shame on her. She walked around naked? Goodness me. 😱

Seriously, a huge number of women had or have vibrators.

And many adults walked about naked indoors. .

Did she use the vibrator when you were there or watched the porn, it doesn't read as though she did. Growing up my family were very liberal around the upstairs of the house being naked whilst getting dressed/ ready, moving room to room, the bathroom door was never locked and on most occassions never closed. It didn't mean anything other than we were relaxed in front of each other, naked or not.

Not ideal but more the situation rather than your mum?

I don't think it sounds abusive from what you've said?

I think you’re looking for things that just aren’t there.

Presumably you have more than one bedroom to be able to give them more privacy though? Not sure that makes your mum sexually abusive.

Hello OP, it is often disturbing during therapy when you look afresh at things from your childhood. Only you can ultimately decide how you feel about what happened. And if this is the tip of the iceberg’ and you come to realise more and more things, then perhaps it will lead to seeing your childhood very differently.

you are, however asking for outside perspectives, and to me, none of these suggest anything abusive. The first two are literally her own business, which you tripped on. It doesn’t sound like she in any way encouraged that and there was an attempt to stow them subtlety. And if her nakedness at the time didn’t bother you at all, and you remember clearly that there was absolutely no sexual contact, then all three sound to me like a woman who had a fairly liberal attitude to nakedness and sex (as in they aren’t ugly/dangerous to be around like violence is) but was not abusive in any way. That doesn’t mean she should not have been more careful… and it sounds like having seen the porn did have a disturbing effect on you….. so I would suggest by all means work through the effect if that in you….

but based on what you have said, I think you can do that with compassion both for yourself and your mother. Your mother sounds like she was in incredibly hard circumstances, who did everything in her power to give you a good childhood. She doesn’t sound abusive to me….children have good instincts for when something deep is wrong, and it sounds like you felt comfortable with her at the time, which tells you a lot. There are probably many good things she gave you…. And some mistakes she made. You can care about the impact of the mistakes on you, and work on healing, without needing to feel betrayed, or reinvent how you see your childhood.

I think she should have made more effort to hide those things, however, I don’t feel that what you’ve described is necessarily abusive though.