Was my mum inappropriate when I was a child?

[Sockonthefloor]

I have recently had some talking therapy and it has made me think again about my mother's behaviour when I was a child. I hadn't thought of it for years but now that I have again I am becoming increasingly annoyed and upset with her as I feel it might have been abusive. But I just don't know.

When I was growing up, it was just her and me. My dad left when I was 6, and we moved into a small flat with one bedroom. My mum made huge sacrifices for me, including sleeping on a sofa bed most nights for over ten years and working two jobs to keep food on the table.

But the more I think about her behaviour sometimes, the more I worry that there was a sexual element that I either didn't realise at the time or wanted to ignore. Examples are as follows:

• She kept what I now know was a vibrator in the bedside drawer in my room (the only bedroom). I can't remember when I realised what it was, but I was told not to touch them and that they were for grown ups, and I do remember knowing what it was at some point.
• She kept a pair of VHS videos in the sock drawer (this was the mid 90s). When I was old enough to be left at home alone I watched them out of curiosity, and discovered that they were porn. This was my first exposure to anything like that, and I think as a result I had an unhealthy relationship with porn in my teens.
• She was naked round the flat a lot. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I wonder why that was. Sometimes she slept in my bed with me whilst naked, and although I must stress that I can remember absolutely no sexual physical contact on these occasions, why would she do that?? She also didn't respect my privacy in this regard at all, and would often come into the bathroom when I was using it, well into my teens when I was not a little girl any more.

My mum has always been a great mum. And I remember nothing that you would say was actual acts of abuse. But the more I think of it the more confused I become about why she would have exposed me to these things and behaved in this way. I don't know what to do about it. Should I mention it to mum? I get that she was an adult and I get that we lived in a tiny flat. But why did she not hide things more? And the nudity thing bothers me too now. It's a fine line between having no body shame (fine) and being inappropriately undressed (not fine).

She could have hidden her personal items better, but no, I wouldn’t say it’s abusive.

I don’t think any of it was inappropriate, maybe apart from walking in on you,I think it sounds like she was doing her best in difficult circumstances.

I suppose she could have kept her vibrator and videos on top of the wardrobe but other than that I don’t see how she’s done anything to a,or you feel like your childhood was abusive or had a sexual element.

I don’t think any of it sounds terrible. Not good for you to watch porn, obviously. But abusive? Definitely not.

Yes, she should have hidden things better, but was there really somewhere that you wouldn’t have found things?
Walking around naked is 100% normal if that is how she felt comfortable. Climbing into the bed next to her own kid if she was uncomfortable on the sofa, fair enough.

You don’t mention your therapist and how they have reacted to these things. Be careful if they seem to be leading you into over interpreting them. Some therapists have done great damage to families by leading people to distrust their parents. When you are in a session you are extremely vulnerable to ‘suggestion’. Some therapists seem to quite enjoy ‘uncovering’ sexual assault. They possibly get off on hearing about it.

Ok sleeping naked with you is a bit unnecessary. Was this the 70’s? Was your Mum a bit of a hippy?

Why are you having the therapy op?

It sounds as if your Mum was a good Mum and worked very hard to raise you single handed. She told you to keep away from drawer but you chose not to do so. When she was out you snooped and found videos. She didn't make you watch them. You chose to do that all by yourself. Compared to many people you sound very lucky having your Mum.

💯 agree about therapists!

It was a shared drawer next to my bed (the only bedroom). The alternative would have been to.keep it somewhere in the lounge/ kitchen / bathroom. The videos were in our sock drawer. What bothers me about the videos is that I watched them a lot as a teenager. They were my first exposure to such things and I just feel now that I shouldn't have had access to them. I don't know how people got hold of that kind of stuff back then but she must have gone out of her way to get it and I am upset that she allowed me to see it.

Your poor poor mum. She sacrificed everything for you, worked two jobs, clearly didn’t have time for a boyfriend, so she had a vibrator and since you had the only bedroom in the whole house it was the only place for her to keep it! Ffs.

Well she didn't really let you. You took and watched something that didn't belong to you which seems unusual for someone so concerned about privacy...

She trusted you home alone and you watched something repeatedly that you knew you shouldn’t, but many many people do. Did you tell her you were watching it?

I was a kid.

But she didnt allow you, you went and viewed them without permission

Same as I used to read my dads dirty mags as a teen , he had them hidden, I found them

How old were you?

Wow I’m shocked. Your mum seems like she did her best, you even say she’s a great mother. She was a single mother too. She was also a woman who had to sacrifice HER private space for you as well. The fact that you are taking this along a sexual path is bizarre. As for her sleeping naked, maybe it’s just that she thought you are her child and nothing more to it. So many people on here say they sleep naked, no different than your child climbing to your bed during the night.
im sure she will be devastated and disappointed in you to know how you are thinking now.

My parents had lots of videos which would have been age inappropriate for me but I knew they weren't mine so I didn't watch them

Did she know you were watching the porn? It seems like you snooped which she cant really be blamed for

She probably could have hidden things better but it sounds like space was very limited and you had to share. She didnt have any private space to store this stuff. I wouldnt say she sounds abusive, no

The only thing I think is not ok is sleeping naked next to you, im surprised people think thats ok! I hate sleeping with clothes on but dd (asd) still sleeps in my bed so I wear a night dress every night even though I hate it.

Sounds like your therapist is causing trouble. Some of them do, they rake up long-buried stuff that's better left alone.

Your living situation as a child was far from ideal but I expect your mother was doing the best she could in the circumstances. Perhaps she could have been more careful about her personal stuff but don't blame her: you'll be opening a can of worms.

My father used to be naked in front of us far beyond the time if should have stopped. My sister & I found it amusing. No doubt a modern therapist would encourage us to be traumatised by it.

Agreed. Sometimes in therapy is you spend long enough doing it you will ‘find’ things that aren’t always there through a lens many years later.

You wanted privacy, but where was your mum's privacy?

Living in a tiny home doesn't really lend itself to that does it?

Anyone with an older brother found a porn stash.

You lived in a small flat with one bedroom. And presumably only one bathroom.

You had the bedroom. She had to sleep in the living room and had nowhere to keep her private adult things. If they hadn't been in your room, they would have been in the living room (arguably more problematic, esp if you'd had friends over etc).

It sounds very much as if she warned you away from them and did her best to keep it away from you, and you found it through your own, independent actions, going into things you knew were not for you. Which is perfectly normal childhood behaviour, but it's in no way your mum's fault and it's pretty unreasonable for you to be judging her so harshly for this now.

Being naked - you may be uncomfortable with it now, and she isn't/wasn't. Plenty of families are and aren't naked at home, there's no objective right or wrong here. Nothing you've mentioned sounds inappropriate.

Privacy in the bathroom - it's maybe not ideal, but many kids/teens hog the bathroom, and if there was only one, maybe she just needed to use it sometimes when you were there, rushing between her multiple jobs etc.

What you conspicuously don't mention is other men being around - it sounds very much as if she was completely prioritising you, and now you're judging her for having perfectly normal sexual needs that an adult woman has, and managing those in the best possible way that was compatible with raising a child.

A final point - there doesn't have to be blame in all situations. You can feel now "maybe I would have done things differently in her position" - and that's fine, but you can also view her decisions with compassion, and recognise she was likely trying her best, and think kindly rather than judgmentally about her efforts.

Seeing your updates - Why do you feel the need to blame her about the porn videos? Is there something you're struggling to come to terms with about your own decisions in that regard as a teen? Maybe look at past you with more compassion for any mistakes you made when younger as well. It's ok to make mistakes, and learning from them is how we grow. You can regret and learn from the impact of your past decisions/actions without needing to make them anyone else's fault.

I saw my mom naked a lot as a child, slept next to her, bathed with her.
Wasn't unusual at all for my family

You were old enough to be home alone. I think you would have known videos in the sock drawer were supposed to be hidden and unlikely to be a Disney film

I can't remember exactly. 12 maybe.at first. It carried on til I left home for uni.

Reading these replies I can see that the consensus is that there was nothing abusive. That is a relief. But I am still a bit annoyed with her and wish she'd have kept the things better hidden or away from me altogether. I do get that she sacrificed a lot but kids will behave in certain ways. I also just don't have the same approach to nudity or privacy that she did (I know that I invaded her privacy by watching her videos but they were in a shared drawer).