Dc prefer their dad and its killing me

[Christmasisinnovember]

I dont know what to do. There are many issues in my relationship with dh, I have been trying to end things for a long time but its going to be a logistical nightmare with who is going to live where ect, I dont really want to go into it now because thats a whole other post. Ds 8 and dd 5 ADORE him and couldnt care less about me. They wont go anywhere with me at the weekend that I suggest, and if they do show any interest in going all they care about is whether dp is going. He could take them to watch paint dry and they'd love it, whereas I could offer them a day at a theme park with unlimited sweets (just an example, I hate theme parks and wouldnt be offering unlimited sweets 🤣) and they wouldnt be interested unless dp was there. Dp is unbothered by this, I actually think he likes it. They do so much at the weekend just the 3 of them, often they'll just leave the house when im dropping my older dd off with her friends without dp saying a word to me. I see so many posts on here about shit dad's (my older dd has one so i have experienced this!), and dont get me wrong im so glad dc have a great relationship with theirs, but especially considering mine and dps relationship is so bad, I worry what the future holds. Im really worried if we were to properly split he would completely alienate them from me which breaks my heart because theyre everything to me. I get to do all the boring stuff like all the school runs while he gets all the fun and its just getting to me so much.

There would be a lot of 'come on ds & dd you dont have to go if you dont want to' from him, rather than encouraging them to go and do something they would enjoy

Well, you tell him not to in advance?

He isn't a very reasonable man. He would again say to me that he isnt going to make them do something they dont want to do

Why have you allowed a man, a MAN to turn your own children against you?

I hope this dick is worth it. I bet this isn't new manipulative behaviour either.

Looking at this from a slightly different angle:
you and dh are not getting along, you would like to end this relationship. Are you the safe person in their eyes so are desperate not to lose their dad? They need to appease him all the time, we don’t want to go to the park with mum or dad will be upset and might leave.

also how is their relationship with your older dd, do you think there’s jealousy there?

When are the points when he is not there? Do you pick them up from school? I ask because you are going to need to find times where you can bond with them. And I do agree with other PP’s - you are going to have to get more matter of fact about this - if you are not going to leave him then ‘we’re off to the park now DS1 and DS2 get your coats on and get in the car’, we don’t want to ‘oh well, we’re going to get some fresh air so never mind, get in the car’. Tell your DH beforehand that you want no argument about it. He can obviously come too if you live together - if you are not going to split then you are going to have to try and joint parent them. I don’t think it’s bad that he disappeared with them when you were dropping your DD off btw - he is entitled to go out with them. You are going to need to try and forge your own path with them.

I doubt it’s a simple as he’s the “fun parent”. You say he’s a good dad. What are your overall parenting styles like? Rather than him being the “fun”’parent is it possible you are over serious and need to relax a bit, or the opposite and you are too passive and he is the leader.

Your relationship with their dad sounds like the issue. He would just leave the house with them and not say goodbye to you? And over rule you on taking them out?

This. Is it just a case of he has authority and you are very passive? If so you are digging yourself a hole it will be increasingly difficult
to to get out of. They will always default to him if you do the same.

I think you're right. Yes he sometimes does just walk out with them if hes annoyed with me and yes he would over rule me taking them out if they didnt want to go with me.

He wouldn’t physically stop you?

You have lots of alone time with them if you do the “grudge” work. So why not start by doing something at the end of school pick up? Collect the kids and take them to the playground and then out for a pizza.

You just seem to be very much - oh my 5 and 8 year old don’t want to go with me so I just accept that.

Who cares what he would or would not do.

These are your young children. Parent them.

This sounds like parental alienation. Do you think he tries to turn your children against you by criticising you to them when he is on all these outings with them without you?

Do you ever get time with your children without him? What about during the school holidays when he is at work? You say that when you do get the opportunity to take them out by yourself, they really enjoy themselves so they obvious do love you but, for some reason, they seem to think that their loyalties must lie with their dad. He must be doing and saying stuff to put this idea in their heads.

What is he like with your DD? Does she notice his awful behaviour towards you?

It sounds like this is a survival mechanism. They know he gets scary and the home gets tense when they want to do anything with you. It’s not that they prefer him (they don’t), it’s that they are trying to feel safe in their bodies. They are backing down and agreeing with him, just like you are, because life would be hard for all of you if they didn’t. This is no way to live. They don’t deserve to be in a home like this. He’s teaching them how to be manipulated.

Does he get scary? I don’t see where OP has said this.