Dc prefer their dad and its killing me

[Christmasisinnovember]

I dont know what to do. There are many issues in my relationship with dh, I have been trying to end things for a long time but its going to be a logistical nightmare with who is going to live where ect, I dont really want to go into it now because thats a whole other post. Ds 8 and dd 5 ADORE him and couldnt care less about me. They wont go anywhere with me at the weekend that I suggest, and if they do show any interest in going all they care about is whether dp is going. He could take them to watch paint dry and they'd love it, whereas I could offer them a day at a theme park with unlimited sweets (just an example, I hate theme parks and wouldnt be offering unlimited sweets 🤣) and they wouldnt be interested unless dp was there. Dp is unbothered by this, I actually think he likes it. They do so much at the weekend just the 3 of them, often they'll just leave the house when im dropping my older dd off with her friends without dp saying a word to me. I see so many posts on here about shit dad's (my older dd has one so i have experienced this!), and dont get me wrong im so glad dc have a great relationship with theirs, but especially considering mine and dps relationship is so bad, I worry what the future holds. Im really worried if we were to properly split he would completely alienate them from me which breaks my heart because theyre everything to me. I get to do all the boring stuff like all the school runs while he gets all the fun and its just getting to me so much.

Why don’t you arrange your own thing with your children

And they don’t get to refuse at these ages

Also just to add, I know the dc are the most important people here and it isnt about point scoring or anything like that. But I dont think the best thing for the dc is to have less of a relationship with a loving parent who always puts them first

Indeed. So you are going to have to parent up.

But hell be there, they will refuse, it will end in a big argument with the dc getting upset and I will be the bad one for making them do something they dont want to do

On the rare occasion that he isnt there, we have a lovely time together

So? They get in the car and that’s final.

You take them to a theme park, cinema, bowling whatever - they will over it

You're right, I know you are. It's just really hard in that situation and dp can be quite a difficult man

Forget DP

This is between you and your children

Spend 1:1 time with them. You’re sort of lucky they like their dad means one can go with him and you do a treat day. (Do the theme park and sweets?! It sounds like you don’t do any fun stuff). Spend all week saying you can’t wait to spend the day with X child. Ham it up. Do lots of 1:1 special stuff

There don't have a great relationship with their dad. They are being manipulated into ganging up with him against you. It's a hideous situation. A good parent recognises that the relationship with both parents is crucial for a child especially a very young one. So sorry you are in this situation.

That is certainly how it feels

Just go out together, and let your kids see you getting closer and being happy together. If kids see their parents getting on, well, they'll still go through phases of favourites, but will eventually love both the same.

Just take your kids out, nothing is stopping you. Speak to them, organise something, so pizza or bowling on a Friday night, or whatever, ask them what they wish to do, you can’t blame your husband but not actually do stuff.

LTB and let him take the kids then you take them on the weekends and do the fun stuff. If he wants to be the resident parent let him do all the shit bits and you can be fun mom for a change. If my ex wasn’t such a horrendous influence on my girls, I’d have preferred that as it’s shit being the one landed with all the life admin

I offer to do plenty of stuff with them. Not always super exciting stuff because money isnt in an endless supply but even things such as taking them to the park, they will refuse to do with me alone but the second he mentions it theyre out the door

Stop “offering”

They are young children.

We are doing XYZ today. In the car you pop

Do you know why?

I have no idea. They have always been like this to an extent but it just gets worse over time. I think its because hes the more 'fun parent'. All I have ever done is loved them and tried to do my best for them but its never enough because I'm not him

By the sounds of it, you are being very passive with two young kids

Why are you offering? Take them out after school to the park.

you can also do fun stuff but you have to do it not just just grump about them not responding to you asking them.

look at free kid oriented activities in the area on holidays and weekends and plan some time with them.

Your kids don’t know anything other than you loving and parenting them and unfortunately won’t necessarily be grateful (especially at these ages) or think that makes you the preferred parent.

I have no choice but to be passive. If I told them we were going to do something and they said they didn't want to and dp was there, he wouldnt try to get them to go with me he would say they dont have to go somewhere they dont want to, and do avoid conflict in front of the dc I have to just go with it

Why do you need to avoid conflict in front of dc? Is it violent or aggressive? Dh and I argue all the time in front of dc. No one shouts or swears or name calls or anything like that, tone is clearly annoyed though, we disagree, we reach a conclusion, we both say sorry if we need to and we crack on. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for dc to see. They’re only young so I guess time will tell if we’re making a mistake. I’m assuming however you can’t disagree in that way? And that it’s fruitless if you speak to dp when they’re not around about it?

Then you need to parent your children.

”enough of this silliness, in the car now”

Do you think he runs you down to them?

Are you saying that he would be trying to prevent you taking the children somewhere without him?