Trigger warning - Historica SA and husbands bad reaction

[Maise24]

So with everything in the news recently about Russell Brand and the awful sexual assaults he had perpetrated- and event in my own sexual history (from about 15 years ago - way predating my husband and I dating - in which a consensual encounter had turned sort of non consensual as the man had anal sex with me after I said no - it has played on my mind a little since but I never told a single soul until I bought it up with my husband last night as obviously with the cases in the news it has been triggering

He was absolutely horrified- not in a - poor you, are you ok, way but in a deeply angry, silent and furious way. He stopped eating his dinner and stared ahead at the tv silently. Made absolutely zero attempt to comfort me or be in any way reassuring and said he was too angry. He kept saying 'I dont know why you keep looking at me, what do you want me to say?' and eventually the tension got too much to bear and I just went to bed and we haven't spoken since

My head is reeling now - I dont know what i hoped to achieve in telling him but thought as the person supposedly closest to me i might be able to talk to him about it. Maybe that was mistaken and I should have kept it to myself or spoken to a friend.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

I suppose in fairness to him dropping that kind of thing whilst you are sat on the sofa watching tv you have completely blindsided him and it would take some time for him to process. only you know your husband and how emotionally supportive he is over every day things but I’d suggest even the most supportive partner might not know what to do with that information if you have disclosed it out of nowhere

I am so sorry you experienced SA. 💐

But...you told him whilst he was eating his dinner? He probably felt completely blindsighted.

I’m really sorry about what happened to you.
I also agree with previous posters though. It sounds like he wasn’t expecting this sort of revelation at that point and I can understand why someone would feel overwhelmed by it.
Many men react angrily when emotional unfortunately. Give him time.

I am so sorry, and I couldn’t disagree more with the first two posters. I can’t imagine my husband being anything other than shocked horrified and trying to support me. I appreciate he may have been blindsided but it’s pretty common knowledge a lot of women don’t feel able to talk about assaults like that.

in sorry that happened, and I wonder if you might get support from somehh th ing like the rape crisis helpline who may have experience in how partners can react to this news. You did nothing wrong telling him and expecting support and hopefully after some time to process it he will be apologetic for how he responded.

I also totally disagree with the first three posters. Even if he was angry FOR you rather than at you, his lack of effort to comfort or reassure you is awful of him. Has he apolgised/made any effort to reassure you since?

Piss poor on your husbands part. Even if he was blindsided he should at least have been able to go into a mechanical 'that's horrible, I'm sorry to hear that' speil. Shame on the posters excusing him.

I think it is terrible what happened to you and I so completely agree with house of chaos The Brand trial is a watershed moment. So many of us have been assaulted and raped and never thought to even say anything. There is so much cultural pressure to blame women and not make men accountable, to preserve patriarchy. Why on earth should anyone be 'blindsided' when they hear their partner has been raped? What on earth is going on here? We have to stop blaming women and hold men accountable. Frankly, if it were me, I'd leave him. As maya angelou says, 'people show you who they are; believe them the first time.' You deserve so much better.

Let’s face it, even if you gave him a 4 week notice period that you needed to speak to him about something that happened to you, he likely would have given the same reaction. The main reason being, is that most in our society are so painfully uncomfortable with survivors of CSA & sexual assault and violence. There’s always a reason why now isn’t the ‘right time’ to share. So what if he was eating or watching the television, it’s not some rare event that he’ll never be able to get back to. The survivor not only feels shame after the abuse, but also when they are brave enough to speak up. OP, It’s not your fault, assault is very difficult to speak about and more often than not, we may just blurt it out, that’s sometimes the only way we can finally get it out. Perhaps he is processing, but you’ve shared something that has been triggered due to news that is absolutely everywhere. I know he is your husband, OP but I hope he feels absolutely ashamed of his reaction! What an arsehole!

Please get some support, now more than ever you need reassurance and comfort ♥️

As a bloke I would like to think my first thoughts would be to comfort that person while probably also getting angry!

Yes, it came as a shock to him, thats understandable but IMO that should only a be a few mins at most to then worry about you. Maybe (and not saying this is justified) he feels a bit like "why did you not tell me sooner" or even worried about what other secrets you may have. Is that a trust thing broken?m But for me thats a conversation for down the road, first thought is that you are ok.

Dont feel bad, TBH do any of us know how we will react when we get shocking news? We like to think we can cope but I have no idea...

Really? In this day and age? Your partner tells you she's been raped and it's about why she didn't tell you sooner? I'm sorry I find that shocking. If someone has been raped, sexually assaulted, or sexually abused as a child there is no acceptable response other than empathy, love and kindness. Am I from another planet? I cannot relate at all. I think the bar needs to be set much higher

I agree - I am just thinking of why people would react in certain ways. I certainly cant fathom it out either.

Thanks all for your replies its been really helpful to read. He's stayed in a mood for the past 2 days and weve not really spoken about it since apart from me asking whats going on and him saying yes its horrible what happened but not saying anything else. He was in an awful mood all day yesterday barely spoke to me and was being absolutely fine with the kids so painfully obvious the bad mood was reserved for me. I wish I hadn't said anything now and doubting in my head it was even SA as it had been consual before and I only said no once. Which is why I never said anything before to anyone but it had been on my mind the last few weeks obviously with everything in the news

in the “women are from venus men are from mars” book from the 90s it says that men and women react differently. men only want to discuss things with a view to resolving them. women dont need to resolve just to feel heard.

hes probably angry that some bastard did that to you and because he cannot resolve it he is now unable to deal with his emotion. he cannot put it right. it’s now a burden that he cannot do anything with.

At this point in the book the man would go to his man cave (nowadays lets translate this as shuts down or leaves the room or goes and plays video games to cheer himself up). it’s too difficult to discuss something he cannot fix so he prefers not to discuss it.

sounds like thats your guy.

unless he doesn’t care or worse is jealous that some other guy got to do stuff with you that you wont let him do. in which case i think i’d dump him.

@GrumblingGeek I found this book very outdated. This was once recommended by a peer and I was shocked by the generalisations and lack of actual scientific evidence (of course I read this in 2018).

OP, I’m sorry he is still acting in the same way. Have you managed to speak to anyone else or contact any organisations

https://rapecrisis.org.uk
https://thesurvivorstrust.org

Also depending on where you are, there will likely be local supports for your area. If in the London - https://solacewomensaid.org

the book may be outdated and could well lack evidence but i’ve found i can see some of the things it says being true in everyday life. that’s why i still keep it in mind.

Hey OP. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I had a similar ish experience once with my husband where I described some abuse and he responded it to it in terms that made me feel he somehow... not thought it was consensual, as I was a child, but that he was almost connecting adults raping a child and consensual adult sex. That's not explained very well... but without posting the comment exactly I dont know how to explain it better!

Anyway, I was furious, doubted our whole relationship and whether he was a safe partner and so on. Eventually we took it to therapy and talked it through and he was able to see how in his increduilty about the hideousness of men, he'd managed to show me that anger in an inappropriate unhelpful way. I was able to see how my shame about what happened to me had impacted my leaping to conclusions about what he meant. He accepted he fucked up, I accepted I overreacted.

In the years since, we've had lots and lots more conversations where he has been nothing be supportive and centering of me and my experience and responsive to my needs. He just ballsed up the first time.

The bit that stands out to me from your post though is that he's giving you the silent stroppy treatment. That isnt okay. He's an adult and if he's got something to say he needs to say it. If this is completely out of the ordinary treatment from him, then try to talk to him. If it is a recurrent pattern in your relationship and you feel youre often watching for his reaction, then its old-fashioned MN ducks in a row time xx

Im so sorry.
Tell a girlfriend. Seek professional support.

When you're ready you need to tell your husband how his reaction has made you feel but right now you need to take care of yourself.

Is this part of a pattern of behaviour with him? Does he often shut you down or give you the silent treatment?

Interestingly, when I shared rough information about the sexual abuse I suffered when younger (not rape) with my adult son - we were talking about women's rights to single sex spaces - he had a similar reaction. Got very angry and said he wanted to punch something - this from my very non-aggressive, placid son. Told me not to share the perpetrator's name as he would want to hunt him down. I was astounded at the severity of the reaction.

So perhaps there is something that makes some men (maybe women too) react so badly.

To be fair to my son, he did then hug me and apologise on behalf of men for that happening.

I think the initial shutdown/Rage is not ideal but common but being sulky with you two days later is absolutely unforgivable.

OP this has been playing on my mind, but I don't know how to word this delicately. And please don't answer anything online that you don't want to, but maybe play out the scenario in your head in case it fits. If your husband and you have not had anal sex, and especially if he has wanted to and you've (rightly, as you always should freely be able to) said no, could that have triggered his strop? I have known men get angry in this sort of situation, when they think other men have "got" sex acts from a woman that they haven't had, even if it happened non consensually. As pig-like as that sounds, some men don't like the idea that a woman has done something with one man, and not with them.

Although I thought his initial response was not okay, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis that it came out of nowhere and he didn't necessarily know how to react. But to still be giving you the silent treatment 2 days later?! That screams of a man who is very very angry beause HIS women has been "defiled" and you didn't tell him and he didn' tknow etc etc etc. ie, he's angry because damage has, n his head, been done to HIM.

Sorry.

His response was not OK, but very typical. No excuses, but it's a total shock for him too. This will take time and effort from both of you.

Do some research on the topic. I wish you both all the best https://rainn.org/overcoming-trauma-after-sexual-violence/how-to-tell-someone-you-were-sexually-assaulted/

That is a horrific reaction. My ex-husband got really angry with me when I told him I had a history of depression and I was feeling depressed again, it had come back. He saw me as something flawed, disgusting and below him from then on. Could this be a similar thing happening here? Instead of sympathising with you it sounds like its put him off you?

there really is not a good time to disclose something like this believe me no matter what you do. probably your husbands first thought was to go and smash the blokes face in that is the way they think i am afraid.
i think you need to sit down and talk to your husband again. tell him its in the past but you did not want him not knowing, but this rape thing on TV brought back bad memories for you. you understand that it could be anger he felt straight away but you need some understanding maybe sympathy. i guess too he might it impact on any physical connection between both of you.
please ring Rape Crisis they will be able to help you deal with this and what to do to move on they are brilliant

Silent treatment like this for days wouldn't be okay even if you had done something wrong which you haven't.