After reading about Russel brand - content warning (concerns SA) added by MNHQ

[Mybadcat]

I had an encounter with a man many years ago. He was super popular and every woman fancied him. To cut it short I was absolutely wasted, I remember him having to help me stand up walking back to his house. I think i wanted to go back to his house but as I say I was black out drunk. All I remember when we got back to his house was him lining up a massive line of something I assumed was cocaine and then nothing. I woke up naked aware we had slept together. He was polite and drove me home. Several of my friends found out and as I was not single and I was shamed for sleeping with him. Even though I don’t Remember sleeping with him. I acknowledge now 16 years later this may be rape. I never wanted to say it out loud

Absolutely irrelevant - and worse - smacks of victim blaming.

If someone was murdered when walking on an unlit tow-path in the middle of the night, would anybody say they were "asking to be murdered"?

OP is an adult, and she can get as drunk as she likes. She can drink herself to the point of paralysis if she wants to. Her body, her choice. (Yes it might have an impact on her health if she does it frequently - but we have no reason to think she does, and anyway, that's not remotely relevant to the thread). Her choice to get drunk IN NO WAY means it's OK for a guy to come and rape her, or make it any less his fault that he makes that choice.

I’m so sorry @Mybadcat that this happened to you - you clearly couldn’t have consented. Sending healing to you. You didn’t do anything wrong - rape is the fault of the rapist and as Gisele P said “shame must change sides”.

Thank you llovelyrchers
Thank you xxxx

Thank you. This is so helpful. You are so very kind.

Shocking to see some on this thread still trying to victim blame.

It doesn't matter how drunk you were. You were not in a state where you were able to consent, and it was not your fault that you were raped. I'm sorry to hear that the stuff with RB has brought this up for you, OP. Please think about how you can access support.

But without knowing both sides of the story, how do we even know who the victim is? I’m not dismissing the ops account of what she felt at the time in any way. But by her own accounting she found this man desirable, wanted to go back to his house, and she had sex with him, she remembers little to nothing else. Imagine if the other person posted, and it was more
‘a long time ago I was at a party and had taken a lot of drink and drugs and was absolutely wasted. I was a good looking lad and used to get a lot of attention from women. There was a girl there who clearly fancied me and kept asking to go back to my house. I knew she already had a boyfriend and I’m not into stepping on anyone’s toes so kept declining. Unfortunately after many more beers I decided it was a good idea. We went back and I don’t remember much, we both woke up naked and I think we had sex, I was absolutely mortified at what we’d done. I couldn’t wait to get her out of my house so I politely tried to get her in the car and I drove her home as soon as I could’.

I don’t get why one is necessarily more plausible than the other.

The RB case has made OP feel uneasy about an incident in her own past and she has made the brave decision to speak about this to strangers. Im dont think this kind of argument is helpful in this context.

This is also a valid point I’ve turned over in my head. I’m interested in all points of view.

All entirely untrue.

@Blackandyellow65OP says she ‘thinks’ she wanted to go back to his house but was too drunk to remember. He lined up the drugs went they got there. She can’t remember having sex with him ie unconscious and not able to consent. Odd if he was out of it but still managed sex with an unconscious woman. I don’t know enough about the effects of excessive alcohol intake followed by cocaine for men on ability to gain or retain an erection. He was sober enough to drive her home when she regained consciousness.

In terms of not consciously naming non consensual sex as rape to avoid impact to mental health, whilst this is very powerful impulse in the moment, it doesn’t really work over time (like any denial) because the body keeps score and the mind will keep bringing it up as unresolved trauma.

This crosses my mind a lot in cases where both parties are intoxicated. Why is it always presumed the woman is a/the victim when both parties are heavily intoxicated

What’s untrue, as this was entirely the law and the culture when I was growing up? I’ve managed to make it quite easily through life without assaulting anyone, but as an older man I’m having to learn and keep up with what these new terms mean. I’ve just learnt a new one on this thread and had to google fawn. These times are definitely different to what we grew up with and are still changing all the time