Options for husband leaving us / us leaving him?

[resilientwoman]

Name change. I am looking for clear, objective advice this morning, as I have no-one irl I can talk to. I have a couples therapist I can speak to about my emotions but no-one to ask about practicalities. Please no judgement 🙏

I have found out my husband of 10 years has seen two sex workers this week. This is not the first time - it happened 2 yrs ago and we went through a lot of therapy etc. There is a lot of complex context which I will outline but it goes far deeper. Husband has had tricks either done addictive behaviours, so this, gambling and crypto etc. He has been secretive about it in the past. We have gone through it all in our couples therapy. He experienced some trauma as a child when his mum refused to engage emotionally with him after the age of 2 abd his dad was utterly useless. Long story but his Dad died 2 years ago leaving secret bankruptcy abd a whole load of shit which my husband dealt with and paid for. In the meantime husband has been working in high octane high pressure long hours role, working 80-90hr weeks.

None of this excises his choices. I am explaining context as I know people might ask anyway. I have been through the mill and supported him but it’s been devastating. I have my own issues with childhood neglect etc and I understand myself and him pretty well.

We have a 6 year old who is gorgeous but has sensitivities and needs me to be there.

i have got myself in a precarious financial position unfortunately. I ran my own business but it nose dived due to COVID. At the same time we had our DC during Covid and picking up freelance work etc that would fit round childcare became tough. I’ve been retaining with a view to a new career but have 2 more years to go. In the mean time I do a bit of part-time freelance work. So minimal pension and hardly any monthly income. Husband is a very high earner and we had decided we would divvy it up this way for now as our child has needs and benefits from me being there after school etc.

We don’t own our home anymore - long story. We rent. The school is perfect for DC so don’t want move far away.

Where would I stand if DC and I left, or could we stay and DH leave? I know I’d massively need to up my work hours somehow. No family to support.

sorry for typos- rushing before school

thank you?

I wouldn't spend much on lawyers when there are no assets to divide. You should do mediation though. You will be expected to work full-time and maximise your earning capacity since your child is school age. It sounds like you will have the majority of time with your child so put all the figures into the CMS calculator to see what you are likely to be awarded. Whether or not you can stay in your apartment will depend on if you pass the affordability check your landlord will carry out.

Is your husband feeling remorseful or is he defensive?

Savings go into the pot of marital assets. It might still be split in your favour though but you can't exclude savings or private/workplace pensions. Hopefully he has a lot in his pension saved.

Did you lose the house you used to own through his gambling/crypto issues?

I'm just wondering if there's any bankruptcy issues that need to be factored in.

You can come up with a plan that will give you back your security and freedom, just need to to work through it step by step. You can do this.

Are you actually married OP or not? Because that makes a big difference to the advice and what you may or may not get financially.

With him being a higher earner you have a good chance. Especially if you argue you will need that to house yours and DD.

To answer a few questions. Yeah we are married. No we didnt lose house or anything. We sold it to rent in better area for school. We were saving a larger deposit but it’s been used on debt repayments and blown on crypto etc. That was a few years ago.
No violence or abuse outside of these behaviours. He’s actually very nice in day to day life - believe it or not. It sounds crazy. He just has a massive void and hasn’t been able to learn to fill it himself abd instead when he gets triggered he finds ways to numb himself.
he is currently working so we haven’t had a conversation yet about last night. We have been through it before. He knows what is going on but he gets triggered and then quickly disassociates and does something to numb the pain. With an addictions therapist he was learning to sit in the trigger moment and self regulate before coming to me - which he has managed to do- but recently his work has got so hectic and massively stressful that his self care has fallen by the wayside.