Options for husband leaving us / us leaving him?

[resilientwoman]

Name change. I am looking for clear, objective advice this morning, as I have no-one irl I can talk to. I have a couples therapist I can speak to about my emotions but no-one to ask about practicalities. Please no judgement 🙏

I have found out my husband of 10 years has seen two sex workers this week. This is not the first time - it happened 2 yrs ago and we went through a lot of therapy etc. There is a lot of complex context which I will outline but it goes far deeper. Husband has had tricks either done addictive behaviours, so this, gambling and crypto etc. He has been secretive about it in the past. We have gone through it all in our couples therapy. He experienced some trauma as a child when his mum refused to engage emotionally with him after the age of 2 abd his dad was utterly useless. Long story but his Dad died 2 years ago leaving secret bankruptcy abd a whole load of shit which my husband dealt with and paid for. In the meantime husband has been working in high octane high pressure long hours role, working 80-90hr weeks.

None of this excises his choices. I am explaining context as I know people might ask anyway. I have been through the mill and supported him but it’s been devastating. I have my own issues with childhood neglect etc and I understand myself and him pretty well.

We have a 6 year old who is gorgeous but has sensitivities and needs me to be there.

i have got myself in a precarious financial position unfortunately. I ran my own business but it nose dived due to COVID. At the same time we had our DC during Covid and picking up freelance work etc that would fit round childcare became tough. I’ve been retaining with a view to a new career but have 2 more years to go. In the mean time I do a bit of part-time freelance work. So minimal pension and hardly any monthly income. Husband is a very high earner and we had decided we would divvy it up this way for now as our child has needs and benefits from me being there after school etc.

We don’t own our home anymore - long story. We rent. The school is perfect for DC so don’t want move far away.

Where would I stand if DC and I left, or could we stay and DH leave? I know I’d massively need to up my work hours somehow. No family to support.

sorry for typos- rushing before school

thank you?

You ask about practicalities so the first things to look at are the necessary things for you.

Housing- from what you say I guess you can't pay the rent alone. Are there cheaper properties that you can still get DD to school from? If you have to have council housing you won't get much say over where it is. Can you claim housing from UC?

Which leads to Money- what benefits would you be entitled to? How quickly can you get yourself earning? What level can you get your potential earnings to?

Co - parenting- will you husband fight you on this? Are you likely to be able to agree a schedule?

Support- what emotional and practical support do you have irl? Friends / family etc.

Child care- if you need to optimise earnings how would your DD manage after school clubs and things?

Lifestyle- are you prepared for the changes in lifestyle this could entail? What are your essentials? Can you get them cheaper? Vinted can be very helpful.

More a list of things to think about than answers I'm afraid but hopefully can help.

Ok, thank you.

what I don’t know anything about is, how much my husband would need to provide us each month? DC not good with after school club so I need to be there. I can try to up my earnings during school hours. I’m well qualified PG level but work in a sector that’s average to lower pay.
I’ve supported him with his massively high paying career throughout.

You need legal advice as soon as possible. Details like you outline need to be discussed with a solicitor. Do you have documents like bank statements and pension details?.

That will probably help with percentage asset split in the divorce but it didn't sound like there are tons of assets.

Ongoing if you are likely to be resident parent, sounds likely, you will get cms. I have attached a calculator below. It will give you a pretty good idea but unreliable on cases of 50/50 parenting.

Calculate your child maintenance - GOV.UK share.google/mFqCVcOC1tIBBlbky

Lawyer up

With what money?

There's a website called WikiVorce. You can start the divorce online.
You'll need to find somewhere you can afford to rent by yourself.

Stop doing a single thing for the man. Enjoy the happy future that's waiting for you

The number one thing you need to think about is where everyone is going to live. Only when that's been decided can you move forward. It's easy to become stuck at this stage.

Ideally, what would you like the living arrangements to be?

Lawyer up. You can't not to. For your child.
Same as you would go to a doctor when your child is ill.

OP has no money to 'lawyer up'. They can come to co-parenting arrangements between them, or, fight and the only person who benefits is a pointless solicitor.

This sounds like a very sad situation for you and your daughter. I feel for you.

If he has been secretive about things in the past, prepare yourself for him to have his own secret stash of money. Look for this. Good luck.

I'm so sorry, what a thing to do to you when you've supported him through so much already. There is no excuse for such behaviour.

Can you ask him to move out initially while you work things through? I wouldn't want to be under the same roof as him.

You could try your local HA, and register for social housing.

You understand that getting a lawyer doesn't mean fight?
Lawyers have seen such situations many times.
A lawyer would explain where OP stands, what are her options, what to expect, what to do, what NOT to do.
It absolutely doesn't have to be expensive. They are paid for their time and they do their job fast because they are familiar with it. Seen it million times.
If it's not complex, it's not expensive.
If it's complex, you need lawyer.
If, because of lack of professional advice, you take yourself wrong decisions, you can MAKE it complex.

Cool. If OP has £100s to spend on a solicitor multiple times she can 🤷

If you move out of a rented property and both your names are (joint & severally) on the tenancy agreement, you will find, albeit you OR he moves out, you OR he is still liable for the rent. So if he fails to pay it the LL can come after it from you and vice versa.

CAB might be able to advise you about that aspect.

Well ideally me and DC would stay in our small home and DH move out. The uprooting will be very difficult for DC. DH works away a lot anyway so DC used to barely seeing him during the week.

Sorry I’m utterly clueless. Does this only apply for divorced families? What if we separate?

Depends whose name is on the tenancy, and if the landlord will agree to letting it to only you. The person who moves out would have to come off the tenancy and each adult is responsible for housing themselves.
Whoever is doing less parenting pays child maintenance to the other parent.

So start by suggesting this to him. He'll either agree and go rent somewhere else, or he'll disagree and you'll have to either take him to court to attempt to force him out or get a place yourself.

But only by discussing this will you know which steps to follow next. But housing is definately the first and biggest issue that you're going to have to address.

Ok, thank you

Sadly he is under no obligation to pay your housing costs if you chose to live apart.
Asset split would be sorted as part of a divorce, but it doesn't sound like there's lots of assets to split? As resident parent you would probably get the majority of assets.

What is his rough salary? I know you say high earner, but that is different things to different people

Ok well basically there are no assets apart from a small car. His salary is very high. He is in banking in the City.

What do you mean when you say your H is a high earner? It means different things to different people, any your financial outcomes will be different depending on whether you mean £50k or £500k pa, and what assets you both have.

(All the advice people have been giving you assume you divorce and agree a financial settlement. If you just only separate then I’m not sure any of it applies - I assume he’s have to pay child maintenance, but again you really need to get legal advice, even if only a single session.)

Well the CMS calculation only works up to a £156k salary.
You'd need to apply to court for a top up maintenance order for salaries over that amount.
You can have an informal agreement between the two of you, but that doesn't give you any security as he could stop at any moment.
You would be better off doing this properly via the courts so you know where you stand and can plan your future.
Gather all the info you can on his incomings and outgoings and go and see a solicitor.

That's hard on you because apart from cms you are unlikely to get any claim on future earnings.

And if I have a LISA / ISA in my own name, can I keep that money? He has squandered his savings on gambling and crypto.