Dumped again…feeling lost

[allaboardthecrazytrain]

My apologies for the long post, I don’t want to drip feed. So I’ve been in a relationship for just over 4 years, we don’t live together. In those four years I’ve lost count of the amount of times we’ve broke up, majority of the time it’s me telling him somethings upset me and he’s gone on the defensive straight away, rather than hear me, he’s seen it as an attack and always twists it round so I end up defending myself, he’ll also bring things up from the past and play the victim, absolutely no accountability whatsoever, then I’ll get the silent treatment, phone calls will be ignored, texts will be ignored, then he’ll take me off all his social media…I’ll just add, we’re not kids, we’re 50 year old. A lot of the time I’ll go crawling back just about begging him to give us another go, I do this because my anxiety kills me, I feel completely lost and feel like I need him to make me feel better. It’ll be good for a little while then the same pattern repeats itself.

Three year ago July 2023 during one of our breaks up he went on a dating site, chatted to someone and went on a date, we were only apart 9 days. I went back and he ghosted her, no explanation just blocked her everywhere. We fell out again in the november, he got in touch with her again then once again ghosted and blocked her when I went back. I knew nothing of this at the time. I found out the following year…she posted him on one of these are we dating the same guy Facebook groups, I’m not on any of those groups but a friend seen it and showed me. I contacted this woman and that’s how I found out. I was upset and hurt to think he replaced me so quickly! When I told him I knew and had seen all the messages between them (he did literally lovebomb her) his reply was “I wanted to feel wanted” and blamed me for it because I wasn’t giving him all of my time.
Since then this woman has posted him quite a lot on these groups. He knows he’s been posted and he knows by whom. I’ve defended him on those posts every single time which has caused her to message me quite a few times telling me I need to get rid of him, he’s a liar, a cheat ect ect.

Some examples of why he’s gave me the silent treatment just so you have an idea…his birthday one year, the previous year he had a day out with his adult kids, just the three of them, I was working. The year after I wasn’t sure what he was doing, I was looking to book in for a tattoo, I could get the day of his birthday or the day after. I rang and asked what day we were seeing each other, he spat his dummy out with me and gave me the silent treatment for over a week.
The following birthday (this year) I text and asked what was happening, the reply I got was “so you’re doing this again are you. Don’t bother I’ll spend it on my own” I ended up leaving the presents I bought him at his front door. I got the silent treatment again but this time I didn’t go chasing, he actually contacted me after 11 days.

Four weeks ago he was a bit off with me, I asked him what was wrong, he said I’d been cold and hadn’t text him much the previous day, I said I thought he was working and he could have text me. Ended up ringing him to clear the air and he said so is there a new rule where I can’t text him whilst he’s at work. I said no of course not, he kept going on about this rule, I asked him to stop, he didn’t, I said please stop or I’m putting the phone down, he hung up on me. And the silence began again. Now in the middle of this silence another one of those posts went on that group about him. Only this time there was a comment from his mates bit on the side ( his mate is married but has another two women on the go). In her comment she didn’t mention my name but it was so obvious her comment was directed at me, basically she accused me of putting the post up about him, threatened me and called me a thick c*nt!
When my friend showed me the post I rang him and said that had nothing to do with me, he said he’d asked her to delete it. Then 10 mins after the phone call he text and asked me to promise that post was nothing to do with me and my phone call set alarm bells ringing and was too much of a coincidence. I was so upset that I’d been the one to defend him at my expense on every other post about him and he could think that. He even said how I didn’t have his back but his mates bit on the side did. I’ve defended him on all other posts about him
We did end up talking (it was a week today) and got back together. Obviously the comment directed at me wasn’t sitting right. He had screenshots of this post and I asked him to send me them, he said no, I asked why, he said just no.
Yesterday we met for a coffee, I asked why he wouldn’t send me them, he had no problem showing me them last week. He said no good would come out of it. He’s knows her comment hurt me, I asked him just who’s back he had, mine or hers…his reply was both! I was gobsmacked! He went for his usual attack and defensive, I walked away and told him it comes to something when he puts his mates skanky tramp above me.
He rang a few times, it was heated, I tried to explain that I felt like she was more important to him than me and that we was ok with her accusing me, threatening me and insulting me. He said no, you’ve gone in a strop because I wouldn’t give you the screenshots.
I have emailed this morning, thinking give him time to calm down but he hasn’t even opened it.
I am so tired of this, I can’t say how I feel because it starts an argument, I get the blame for every argument and now I’m left feeling like this.

It's what abusive people do. You're reacting the way any normal person would to being mistreated but the abuser focuses on the reaction and makes that the problem and turns it back on the person rather than what they did to cause it in the first place. They don't stop or ever change and eventually, the victim starts becoming so desperate and upset (and sometimes even believing the lies that they're in the wrong) that the victim's reaction escalates until they don't even recognize themself anymore and they become a shell of the person they used to be. Then the abuser can say "see, look how crazy you are, this is why I can't tell you anything, can't talk to because you're like this....blah blah blah," and meanwhile they deliberately drove you to it and caused the state you're now in.

It's evil.

this sounds like a relationship i was in in my 20's. block him, get some peace and find what makes you happy without that arse. no one needs all that childish crap. Life is too short. I hope you can find peace and happiness. sending hugs.

Ffs mate come on. Sort your shit out. Who needs this crap in their life.

I did email him this morning. He’s replied to tell me he’s deleting my messages without reading them. Wtf!
Thats not normal is it 🤯

It entirely is if you're sure you're done with someone and moving on. Stop torturing yourself, have a cry and move on.

You said you were blocking him, deleting your contacts etc, delete his email address, you're hurting yourself. Leave him alone.

Stop worrying about him and what he says and what he did. It doesn't matter anymore, because you're not together.

Look after yourself. Go out on that walk! I highly recommend getting into podcasts or audiobooks. Sometimes it's nice to have someone talking to you and keeping your thoughts occupied.

You blocked, deleted etc and what did you hope for when you emailed him, that he had been sat desperately trying to contact you for 24 hours?
I think his message is loud and clear.
Have a good cry, Bath, face mask, a self help podcast and write down what you’re going to do tomorrow.

You really didn't need to type out hundreds of words about this toxic arsehole. It was obvious within a few lines that he's an absolute waste of your time and energy.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard . I wonder why you think this good enough . A partner should uplift you , support you and make you feel happy to be with them . Not what you are describing. Please leave for good and find someone worthy of you . Or just be by yourself until you realize you are more than good enough for anyone else .

OP I am nearly a decade older than you.
You spent such a huge chunk of time with your ex from 16 and then after a short-ish break, met this idiot.
I don’t think you know who you are, even as an adult woman. You are defined by a man and I get it, many of us have been there.
There will be deep causes behind your anxiety, but he won’t fix them. But you can.
As for that Facebook page honestly if you happened to meet another woman your age and she described all that to you what would you think? The same as most adults, it’s juvenile nonsense.
It is also quite telling that his ‘mate’ has ‘side pieces’ at 50.
The only way to treat any addiction like this is to go cold turkey. The anxiety is horrible but it passes. These ups and downs are going to destroy your wellbeing and 50 you need to take care of yourself.
You are putting all of your resources into this man because you are scared of being lonely. There is nothing more lonely than where you are now.
There is life on the other side of this where you can have peace, try new things, make new friends. You’ve spent all of your adult life in relationships apart from one break.
You need a break from it. I took one, got some therapy, and it changed my life.
A man of 50 with adult DC talking about his mate’s side piece being more loyal to him on Facebook? Ick.

It sounds like you are both addicted to the drama. He is better at being manipulative than you are though.

Block and forget him. In your next relationship, any inkling of this behaviour, dump immediately. Don't waste your time.

Exactly this.

Op

You don't need to block him or anything.

Just Friend zone him

But remember you/women can never really be a friend with men imo coz lots of men even younger ones like yours really only value male friendship. (, obviously not all men).

So hobbies to fill yr time. Got any? X

You don't need a man just like you don't need lots of female company. But you can have chums of cours. You just need to go to some clubs or take up a musical instrument.

Let go of the I have a cat and it's sad narrative. Cats can be lovely company, so can guinea pigs n dogs.

Do single men with dogs or F1 interests or guitar interests or anything say. I'm single with a guitar I'm sad? You don't hear it.

Life is a process and a journey...sounds to me like yr stuck wandering down a worn path that's not making you happy.

Go down the path to joy.

X

Course

He wasn’t worth your time the minute you broke up the first time.
Know your value.
Block him and move on.

Dump him and no way I'd be with someone whose mates have 2 bits on the sides and one of whom called me a thick c*unt. It shows his values in life. From what sink holes do these people crawl out of? And they are in their 40s-50s! Have some standard, lady, love yourself more first before you start another relationship.

I recently read that loneliness (even people in relationsips feel it) is normal.

I never forget Dr Dybryn on Endeavour saying something like relationships are like fishing.

In the end there's always one that gets away.

In other words married folks will one day be separated from their loved ones. Not the most uplifting thought perhaps but true nethertheless.

Why am I writing this? Perspective OP.

Stop comparing yourself to others/perfect Christmas TV representations of do called perfect lifestyles.
You are you God made you and you ate just as deserving to be happy as that person you see and envy for their lifestyle.

Like others have said work on a lasting relationship.

For me it's my God.

All the best x

Too many typos only one coffee

So and are

Be thankful that he’s done you a favour.

All of this, @allaboardthecrazytrain

Plus, the fact that a therapist has diagnosed you as ‘trauma bonded’ to this man who treats you like crap doesn’t mean that you are bonded to him forever. It means that you have to put in the hard work to free yourself from these shackles.

Blocking him and then caving in and pleading with him by emailing won’t free you, ever. You have to learn to sit with your pain and strong emotions, rather than acting on them. Are you still in therapy? You need help building up your resilience and your ability to take a deep breath, step back and focus on your inner core needs.

As a first step, read Women Who Love Too Much, by Dr. Robin Norwood. Stupid title, but a classic and an extremely insightful book that has helped many women who have made worthless men the centre of their lives.

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/books-women-who-love-too-much-by-robin-norwood

This is spot on! Blocked him but emailed him 24 hours later… I get it though it’s loneliness that does this. Op needs to learn to love herself and learn to love being alone with herself

Just get rid and enjoy your life. You only get one and he’s ruining it.

You said you had blocked him on everything but then you contacted him. Just stop! This is a toxic relationship and you are addicted to the push pull, the intermittent reinforcement where you are waiting for the next hit.
Don't do this to yourself OP you know what you have to do. Go competely N. C, choose a different counsellor and seek help for your low self esteem and anxiety. Any contact with this manipulative man will only make it worse. You have had some great advice on here so start there and prioritise yourself not this headfuck of a man.

You said you had blocked him on everything but then you contacted him. Just stop! This is a toxic relationship and you are addicted to the push pull, the intermittent reinforcement where you are waiting for the next hit.

This. I'm afraid you just need to stop.

When you get the urge to message him, just dont do it. Turn off your phone amd go akd do something else instead.

Or type the message out into notes on your phone. And delete. Or leave it there so you can go back and reread t to remind yourself what a dick he is.

But don't message him again and, if he messages you, just ignore it.

However much you are tempted to reply, just don't.

You don't have to obey every urge you have.

You know what you are doing which means you can control it. You're just choosing not to because it's easier to give in and feel that immediate relief. But you've seen now (by him telling you that he is deleting your messages without replying) that it doesn't actually make you feel better in the longer term.

You can stop this but you have to do it. No one else can do it for you.