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Original poster

Am shaking can't believe he has done this

68 replies

susie100 · 02/07/2008 15:41

Just found DP's phone bill on the kitchen table was using it to scribble down a number whilst on the phone and saw a number again and again (national rate) He has been calling it every day, sometimes for hours at a time. Called it and it is some live chat line. He has been spending hours on it. Just called him and told him and he said he is bored sometimes and it means nothing.

I am staggered we have a good sex life and thought we were very happy. How can I trust him? These are real women so how do I know he has not been meeting them. I am shaking and feel betrayed. He says it means nothing.

I am overeacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
susie100 · 02/07/2008 18:17

Thanks bubblagirl that does make sense and makes me feel better about it. I can't see him having self esteem issues though. He is goodlooking successful we have a good sex life (I think) although his sex drive is ridiculously high.

HarlotOTara maybe he did leave it there for me to find as he knows I would never go through his phone bill etc.

Will definitely have a long chat tonight. Am also about the money he has been spending. Men!

OP posts:
madamez · 02/07/2008 18:21

SUzie: this is closer to looking at porn than paying a sex worker for actual rumpypumpy. If he was looking for actual sex he wouldn't be ringing lines like this for such great lengths of time.
While he will be talking to a real person ie not a recording or a machine, that real person will be watching the clock, with one eye on the evening paper and/or painting her toenails and eating popcorn between calls. I know this because I do chatline work.
I understand that you are upset and you need to have a detailed discussion with your DH but it's not the same as actually putting his bits somewhere else.
Oh and bubblagirl - £2.50 a minute? I farking wish!!!!! I get an average of 12p a minute thank you.

Original poster
susie100 · 02/07/2008 19:05

Do you really that is fascinating! Thanks for your input I do appreciate it, 12p a minute seems to be what he is paying.
Now I just feel sorry for him, you must think the men who call you are tragic.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 02/07/2008 19:08

yes, I know a few women who have done this job - all skint women who do the job because they don't have to shell out for childcare and would run a million miles from meeting any of the phoneline customers.

VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 19:33

See, now I don't think he has met anyone so IMO he hasn't overstepped a line that is impossible to return over, but if he has been sending these pictures and texts afterwards, to what he believes to be a real person's text number (even if it is a scam and not true) then I'd be more bothered about his intentions than the act.

Of course it may still be that he would never have dreamed of meeting these people and was never going to go any further than sending a picture/texting.

If it was a woman doing this we'd say it smacked of insecurity and a need for an egoboost.

Hope you can talk this out

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 19:40

Hijack - madamez, i would be good at this, how would i go about it?

CrushWithEyeliner · 02/07/2008 19:46

can I too just ask a question..Do "chat" lines mean erotic conversations? I have always been really confused at this..

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 19:57

I think they do...

OP, I would be very angry, cos it is going to cost a fortune, but it probably is just an extra source of stimulation. It is probably because you have a good sex life that he has all that extra horniness to offload. He would never meet the women and they are probably all sitting there with rollers in their hair doing the ironing or watching eastenders anyway. Ask him to tell you about it, but it probably does mean exactly what it says - nothing. I would be asking him why he feels he needs this extra, it could be a fantasy that he indulges that he feel might leave you cold - it could open up some new avenues for you both. Turn it into a positive and save money on the phone bill

Original poster
susie100 · 02/07/2008 21:50

Hi guys thanks for all your responses and lucyellensmum good to see you may have found a new career out of it at least!

Had a long chat this evening and I asked him to go through exactly what happened and why. I was very calm and tried to be understanding. I asked him to think about how he would feel if I were doing the same and how it made me feel.
He was devastated, ashamed and embarassed. He said it was not a reflection on me at all and only did if when I was out and he was bored and horny ( I have suggested he gets a hobby!)

Said he would never dream of being unfaithful and wld never meet them or have any intention to it was almost like verbal pornography. I don't actually have a problem with porn between consenting adults so I can see where he is coming from but has promised not to do it again and to let me know when he is feeling like this.

He seemed genuinely upset about it all and was clinging onto me saying he thought I was going to leave him and said he was glad I had found out as it was the only secret we had.

He has asked me to forgive him which I have agreed to do but made it clear I still feel hurt by it and a bit grossed out. He did say he discusses fantasies with these girls but he does that with me as well so I don't think he is getting something extra but clearly he was.

Thanks again for all your posts it did give me some clarity on the situation and allow me to vent.

Now the next questions - do I check his phone bills? Really don't want to but need to get the trust back.

OP posts:
nkf · 02/07/2008 21:53

Is it really only 12p a minute? That's not a very good rate of pay.

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 22:20

um, thanks susie, that was a little insensitive of me, im sorry for that. I am glad to see you have spoken to him and that you have managed to work things out. I think you are being very "grown up" about it, if you know what i mean, it shows you both have a good relationship. Its a big deal because of the trust issue and the money, but i certainly wouldnt consider it unfaithful.

As for the career - 12p a minute?? I think i would rather polish someones brass

Original poster
susie100 · 02/07/2008 22:27

No not at all it really did make me laugh!!
I agree I think it must be quite a lot of work for 12p a minute :O

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 02/07/2008 22:33

madamez- so you work as chat line lady do you?

madamez · 02/07/2008 22:53

GND, yes, it's one of the things I do. the money isn't great but I can do it at home, no need for childcare and indeed get on with Mumsnetting other work while I am between calls. It's more boring than anything else (from the chat line worker's point of view) - most of the punters are, as people have said, just unloading a bit of extra horniness and have no interest in meeting the girls, either (most of the ones who call me are fully aware that I'm doing it for the money and don't want to date them - though there are one or two chatlines who imply or claim that you can make dates through their services, it's generally not true: the female operators are all people like me).
Susie I hope you can sort it out with your DH: verbal pornography is pretty much what it is - and even less of an infidelity than flirty messages/texts/emails with someone who isn't a paid sex chat worker IMO.

citylover · 02/07/2008 23:03

Was talking about men tonight to my colleague and I think that women (including myself) just don't realise quite how dirty and horny most men are and how they are so led by sex.

That is not to excuse any of the behaviour of the OPs' h at all. But I think that I and alot of women always thnk it will be someone else's p or h availing themseles of such services.

When the reality is that it is within many men's radar to want and possibly use such things.

I was saying to my colleague that I naively thought until my mid 20s that a certain type of man (n a particular profession) would be above talking to my chest!!! LOL And I experienced that tonight from a professional man.

I think it goes back to the old thing that women are fed a load of romantic crap. ANd a dose of reality might be better.

TBH I quite like a bit of dirty talk with the right person but I certainly never entertained it with my ExH.

So what I am trying to say if we were all a bit more honest in the first place then maybe men would not feel the need to chat elswhere.

But maybe I am completely wrong.

Feel for you susie I would hate to have discoered that.

Yurtgirl · 02/07/2008 23:06

Susie100 - My ex h sounds a bit like yours tbh. If you have a healthy marriage in all other ways im sure you can at least try to sort things out, my ex couldnt be bothered! Im good now though, water under the bridge etc!

Madamez - Im intrigued to know how you can talk on chatlines and look after your kids. I for one couldnt bear listening to what the men were saying or doing! Ugh!

I think Ill stick to my knitting!

madamez · 02/07/2008 23:15

Yurtgirl: when I say 'don't need childcare' I mean that I work either in the evenings when DS is asleep or in the daytime when he is out with his dad or indeed at nursery (he goes 2 days a week because I have other jobs too). I absolutely will not be logged on to the call system when DS is here and awake: he is plenty old enough to pick up a phrase or two and repeat it back at the wrong moment.
Also, frankly, the punters would be put off by hearing a toddler yell in the background.

Yurtgirl · 02/07/2008 23:23

Well yes quite - I didnt mean to offend btw.
12p a minute doesnt sound like enough to make it viable - isnt that way under minimum wage?

Sorry for hijack susie100 - I dont think you are overeacting at all, I hope you sort things out soon

ladylush · 02/07/2008 23:32

12p a minute is shit. I wouldn't get much as I would run out of things to say and probably want to start asking them about their relationship/social problems

Susie, he shouldn't have done it. The deception and cost is the worst part of it. At least he is remorseful and terrified of losing you. I think men can get quickly hooked on this type of thing and it takes a shock to bring them to their senses. It sounds like he's had his shock!

madamez · 03/07/2008 00:02

Yurtgirl: wasn't offended, just wanted to clarify (before someone starts threatening to call social services). 12p a minute would work out at £7 an hour if there was a caller on the line for all that time...

Original poster
susie100 · 03/07/2008 09:03

Yurt - I am intrigued by the Ex H thing - was this the beginning of a slippery slope or were there other issues?

I actually felt quite cross about it last night despite having agreed to forgive him. Another long chat. Feeling better this morning, it is just grim though.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 03/07/2008 09:48

my friend gets 2.50 a min so thought was going rate but either way thats what she gets

bubblagirl · 03/07/2008 09:50

i'll try and find out who she works for unless she is lying to me of course who knows

lucyellensmum · 03/07/2008 10:17

i would imagine that £2.50 a minute is what they charge. The poeople making money out of this are the people who own the phone line or however it works. But for £7 an hour while i was bored in the evening, i'd talk smut with the best of them . They might find me a bit OTT though

DeeRiguer · 03/07/2008 10:27

madamez..you should do your own phone line and get all the profits..

susie you could get him to call you at night in pre-phone foreplay
only joking sorry for your shock, glad you sorting it out
i would ask him to show you phone bills for a while if you want to put your mind at rest