Taken advantage of by my family

[Silvernutmeg70]

I've just sold my house down south, put my furniture in storage and moved in with my parents temporarily in the north while I look for a house to buy there. I wanted a fresh start after my youngest child started uni and I no longer needed to be near my ex to co-parent. I was in a relationship that was going nowhere so I'd had enough of that too I'd hoped to take some time (finally) to rest and focus on myself for a change, do a yoga retreat, reconnect with friends, etc. Instead, my move has coincided with my sister becoming seriously ill after complications after routine surgery, so I've ended up having to look after her children while she recovers, as I am self-employed and work from home. Her ex took some time off work but needs to go back now. My parents pretty much volunteered me for this role. Had I been asked I would've said yes but I wasn't given that courtesy, it was just assumed. The thing is, there's no one else who can really help. My parents are elderly with health issues and my other siblings work in employed roles and don't live nearby. It could be weeks before my sister is discharged but she'll then need rehab. I've been putting my life on hold for years to get my own children through school/college, now I'm having to do it for my nieces. I feel for my sister of course, but really want to forge ahead with my plans to buy a house and start living my life for me for the first time in decades, not feel like everyone's personal slave. Am I being unreasonable here?

Well, say no? I mean, your sister would have needed to have a plan if you hadn’t moved back in with your parents.

I’m not sure how you’re being taken advantage of?

Just explain it to them exactly as youve explained it here.
how old are the children?

Sounds like your sister’s ex needs to look after his own children, not sure why you have been landed with your nieces. Sounds like your sister is having a difficult time if she is still in hospital and needing rehab , but they do have another parent. He should be looking after his own kids!

How old are the kids and are they living with you full time? Are they at school/nursery?
Sorry if you've mentioned that. It's late!

At this stage in your life, it is unlikely anyone is going to put your needs above anyone else’s unfortunately- and so YOU must. Either agree to part of the week or a week or two - but then their Dad will have to help. He is their parent. It is not all for your sister to solve. Say you are willing to help - and also say that you expect to be asked properly, with no assumptions and no taking for granted.

It’s the ex’s problem not yours, he has only “had to go back” because he’s seen that he can dump the problem on you. You need to stand up for yourself and state exactly what you are prepared to do or not do.

There is no reason this should stop you from buying a house or taking a vacation. You simply do it. Tell the ex “I won’t be here from dd/mm for two weeks because I have a pre-arranged vacation.”

If the ex refuses to step up the alternative is that the children are taken into care. That is something the ex needs to take responsibility for.

I’m also struck by the fact you mention your parents are elderly and in ill-health. I strongly suspect they will be expecting you to provide care for them - so set the pattern now, don’t let this become the blueprint for your new life.

Her family are taking her time as theirs to give away . That’s taking advantage plain and simple .

This is exactly my story and unfortunately, it doesn’t end unless you put your foot down, NOW, in both financial and time terms. I’ve had to cancel 4 booked and paid for holidays to take care of elderly and sick relatives. Both parents have sadly passed away but it started becoming MY responsibility to pay/guarantee nieces and nephews university accommodation/graduation celebration (that they often ‘forgot’ to invite me to).

I’m still a bit captured by it but the resentment is building and I often dream of returning down south or overseas so I’m being a lot more strict with my availability and bank account. Good luck, it’s tough because “it’s your family” but set the ground rules now. Also, get your DSis husband to pull his weight, CF!

Just because you are self employed doesn’t mean you can do this.

You need to say no, the children’s father can take leave.

That sounds really rough, I feel for you. I hope you manage to actually go on holiday soon and get some much-needed me-time.

Move out. Take a small rental. Turn your phone off.

I'd never let my nieces be taken into care, they've been through enough. They are 11 and 9. The 11 Yr old is disabled and the younger one needed counselling after her parents split up. Now they're worried about their mum and missing her. I agree their dad should step up but he's not the best dad (one of the reasons they split) and that's not the girls' fault.

Once my sister recovers and I've got my own place I'm going to be a lot less available.

I agree but he's pretty crap

That's frustrating though you can see yourself it's not your sister's fault or your nieces'. A few things that might help

• Work out exactly what needs doing and what bits can be outsourced. Eg if the kids need picking up, can this be shared with other parents? Can your parents do the less physically demanding bits like making their tea, supervising homework? For the rehab phase, find out about NHS transport because there will be some, so you don't end up doing all the running around.
• Throw money at the problem. This might be your parents or your sister's. Online shopping, taxis, whatever.
• Ask their dad to do more - if he's back at work, can he compensate by having them for tea, taking them to evening activities etc? Keep a record of this and if he refuses
• Talk to their school, explain the situation and ask for any help they can offer
• Set up some protected time when you get to do work for your business and that doesn't get interrupted, so you can keep things at least ticking over
• Have a date in mind for stepping back so this can't just drift on

It seems you’ve convinced yourself that you are the only option for your sister. Why complain that you’re being taken advantage of as you? They may have suggested it but you have decided to do it shout challenging them . Some good advice here if you want to take it

you are your own worst enemy! surely he could have them the majority of the time and you a lot less.........

Very good advice thank you. I've got their dad to do the morning school runs and top-up food shops and taken the girls to brownies, etc. I've also broken my toe so can't walk very well, on top of everything else.

Your being a martyr. Tell them no you can't watch her kids and that their dad needs to step up and be an actual parent. Not your kids, not your problem!

How sad. These children are close family, not some random neighbours kids from over the road, who the OP is being asked to help look after.

I just think it’s temporary. Get the Dad to do more.
Set more boundaries going forward.
Is it a great idea to buy a new house so close? You will get called on to help more the nearer you are.

I see what you mean, but I'd not be in the same town specifically so no one can just pop round. I'm moving to be near my children as well as my parents and sister plus some old friends.

Well it sounds temporary it’s ether you speak to the dad to step or this your situation for now

Are you looking after your elderly parents as well?