You can’t really know someone is right for you until you’re relationship has been really tested by life

[Mamma11818282]

DH and I were together for 6 years and living together for three before we got married. In that whole time it’s like we were still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship - we were happy and having fun and never truly tested by life.our personalities meshed well. He was kind and uncomplicated

After we got married we had DC quickly and things got hard really fast. Then Covid, another DC, found out the first DC was ND, work. I think our whole married life there’s been one difficult challenge after another. For some of them DH has been amazing, but for others like DC’s ND I’ve had very mixed feelings about his resilience and I feel like I’m carrying it all at times. Communication between us can feel broken, we seem have become different people who can’t meet each others expectations and support each other the way we want. He has a difficult dad himself and always said he didn’t want to be like him, and he mostly isn’t, but when he is upset he is unpleasant and very much like him. I’m not perfect either and I know I’ve disappointed him in lots of ways too.

I’ve been thinking about our marriage a lot and wondering how do you really know someone is right for you until your relationship is really tested by life. I thought 6 years together was plenty. But it seems like the biggest test must be kids.

I guess I’ve been thinking about it as young friends of ours have recently become engaged after being together for 3 years, and it’s so lovely to see them so happy and making plans for the future, and it’s just making me reflect on my own marriage a bit.

That’s a really good point.

I feel the same. We went through a stressful period around covid and we kept telling each other “as long as we’re together we’ll get through it”. We did, but subsequent stuff after makes it sound a bit trite. I think it would have been more accurate to say “just as long as we’re on the same page we’ll get through it” because that, along with emotional resilience, seems to be the biggest issues for us!

I read on MN many years ago that having a child was like throwing a hand grenade in to a relationship. I also feel that the main driver for children is almost always women, it was the other way round here and DH that wanted children more, I had to be persuaded. So he was fully committed. DS has moved out recently, he is in his twenties. I miss him, I’m not saying DH doesn’t but I can tell DH really likes having me all to himself again.

Our resilience was truly tested when our DD died. But the rockiest patch was down DH sisters behaviour and him being scared of her so not handling it well. It ended up with me refusing to have her in the house at all for about 4 years. She hit my son, I saw it.

The easiest marriage I know is childfree. My friend did want children but didn’t settle down till she was mid forties and it never happened.

@WhatTheHeckMan Agree about not even knowing yourself.

Yes and actually the testing never stops. My DH is 72 now and in poor health. It's hard but we have a great base of a long shared life to rely on

See, ex-DH has always 'shown-up' for me, is kind, does everything for everyone, but it turns out HE was ND & that was the tipping point with kids & life & lack of communication.

I remember my dh waxing lyrical about how we were so great and so strong and so in love about 2 yrs in

I was quite shocked and remember saying something like "we are young and healthy, we have low outgoings, secure housing good disposable income, go out 2-3 x per week, have regular holidays, no major worries ... of course we are in love it's easy now...."

We are almost 10 yrs in - i can categorically say Yanbu - You do not know someone until your have been tested by life.

I agree but also think that kids themselves add a completely new outlook.
In hindsight, me and my ex were not right and I should have left just after that "honeymoon" period when he showed me what he was really like. But it was just me, I only had my own life, feelings etc to contend with.
I thought it was a blip and made excuses. We got married 8 years later, then 2 kids, more pressures that we somehow weathered. Eventually I looked at my kids and realised that if they were with someone who had done what their dad had done to me, I'd be reminding them that they were worth so much more. That realisation when in fact all was calm in our lives, covid was over, the kids were getting easier etc and I suddenly had that clarity.

I think Yanbu. But for me, it has been when Ive been “locked down” (via marriage or DC) that the man in the situation has subtly changed and become stressed/down/needy and basically entitled in various ways (differently in the 2 LTRs I’ve had but the entitlement seems to be at the root of it).

So it’s hard to say as the stress and the increased commitment happen simultaneously. Although actually with my ex he had no additional stress going from living together to married so that’s not quite true. It’s like they go “well, she can’t get away so easily so I’ll step up the control/have an affair/reveal myself fully etc”. Obviously NAMALT but it has been my experience.

My husband and I were so in love when we got married. I got pregnant quickly and then my mother died suddenly on the day I gave birth. For years I was depressed and we fell into a cycle of resentment, with him doing everything in terms of childcare and having the mental load and me feeling weighed down by the relentlessness of parenting young children (we had two more kids) and depression and grief. We eventually had couples therapy and came out the other side - our kids are a bit older now (two still in primary) but the fun is back in our life. I'm so in love with him and always will be. Marriage ebbs and flows - it's understandable to feel sad when you see new couples with everything looking bright, but I hope you can have faith that it won't always feel so hard. X