You can’t really know someone is right for you until you’re relationship has been really tested by life

[Mamma11818282]

DH and I were together for 6 years and living together for three before we got married. In that whole time it’s like we were still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship - we were happy and having fun and never truly tested by life.our personalities meshed well. He was kind and uncomplicated

After we got married we had DC quickly and things got hard really fast. Then Covid, another DC, found out the first DC was ND, work. I think our whole married life there’s been one difficult challenge after another. For some of them DH has been amazing, but for others like DC’s ND I’ve had very mixed feelings about his resilience and I feel like I’m carrying it all at times. Communication between us can feel broken, we seem have become different people who can’t meet each others expectations and support each other the way we want. He has a difficult dad himself and always said he didn’t want to be like him, and he mostly isn’t, but when he is upset he is unpleasant and very much like him. I’m not perfect either and I know I’ve disappointed him in lots of ways too.

I’ve been thinking about our marriage a lot and wondering how do you really know someone is right for you until your relationship is really tested by life. I thought 6 years together was plenty. But it seems like the biggest test must be kids.

I guess I’ve been thinking about it as young friends of ours have recently become engaged after being together for 3 years, and it’s so lovely to see them so happy and making plans for the future, and it’s just making me reflect on my own marriage a bit.

That’s so true. You really need to see someone under pressure to know their character:

I agree. Having small children is a challenging time for most marriages. DH and I made it through but it was touch and go at times.

Couldn’t agree more, 12 years together at the time and one thing related to a job turned them into someone I never knew and flipped our lives upside down.

I agree my husband and I have been together since we were teens . We had children in are early 20s , we have now been together 25 years . And are marriage is prop the best it’s ever been. We feel like we are in the honey moon period all over again . I think it’s because the kids are older and life is easy again .

Yes, I think there’s some truth in this. Committing to sharing your life with someone is a gamble really isn’t it?

Having children (especially if they have additional needs or disabilities), work issues, illness, mental illness, bereavement… all can put a huge strain on a relationship.

My DH and I have been through several of those and we’ve survived for coming up to 30 years. There have been times when either one or both of us could have walked away, but I’m glad we didn’t.

I agree that relationships need to be tested before you can know they're the right one. The first 18 months of our relationship was a lot of tests (external bad luck, not relationship related), and I feel it's the reason we had such a firm foundation when things like kids, illness, money concerns etc have cropped up.

We got together later in life and so had DC fairly quickly (after 3 years). Then marriage. Then a late loss. Then crazy work issues for both of us, Covid.

We often say we wonder how we have made it this far. It’s been tricky at times and sometimes we have not been kind to each other.

We have about 7-8 years until DC leaves home. I’m looking forward to us having more time for each other.

We have both done loads of travelling but not together. I’d like us to do that.

Just need to save like crazy and stay fit and healthy!!!!

I was thinking about this yesterday, funnily enough. Marry You by Bruno Mars came on the radio and I remember viscerally hating it because when it came out we were knee deep in the everyone getting married/8 weddings each summer stage and it seemed to feature at each bloody one. It was so nauseatingly twee.

When it came on yesterday all I could think about was how happy and optimistic we all were at that stage, like nothing would ever touch our marriages. I look around our friends (and us) and all of those marriages now are just a bit broken now - even those who are still wildly in love and that’s by no means all of them - just battered by life. Death, small children, ill children, our own illness, redundancy, money troubles, fertility issues, infidelity, elderly parents, and just plain bad luck to name just a few reasons. Hearing ‘Marry You’ actually made me a bit wistful for that innocence when we all thought ‘as long as you love each other it’ll work out’.

I’m a bit of a cynic at the best of times and I knew these things happened, but maybe I romanticised the idea of it and didn’t appreciate how life can test a relationship.

I appreciate what you’re saying however it’s impossible to test every situation prior to marriage. You might be with someone 30 years before there is a bereavement and it completely changes things. I suppose for me the point is that if the roots are strong enough you learn how to navigate the changes together. Your both so invested in the relationship that you work incredibly hard to meet each others need and be a team together.

I completely agree.
And am now divorced.
How do you stress test when you're young, in love, and life is great?
Serious question.
Without having a crystal ball, is there some sort of compatibility test for when life gets tough? Red or green flags that you should be aware of?
Personally, I think we just sleepwalked into marriage. With hindsight I can't believe we didn't sit down and really talk about our future. It was all assumptions, blind optimism and naivety that "all you need is love".

I don’t think OP is saying you should or indeed can stress test a relationship before committing, because I agree that’s impossible. I think it’s more saying - it’s a total leap of faith.

Yes, a total leap of faith pretty much sums it up.

You find out along the line. If you have a good relationship, you can weather the storms that come your way. I met second dh at work (long story) his f had just died quite young. I had the switchboard amongst other things, he was trying to contest a will.(another long story) my lovely mum died,he supported me, 3 kids from previous marriage, 2 subsequently found to be nd and serious mh issues. He had loads plus serious phobias, I was nursing previously and have sympathy and empathy in bucket loads. We have weathered redundancies, health issues and some. Together 37 years, married 27

total agree. There is so much luck involved.

My friends are Catholic and are having relationship and financial counselling ahead of the wedding - really sensible.

But you can’t fall through every scenario can you. You don’t really know what it’s like to parent an ND child until you’re knee deep in it. You can both have ideals of what you want to do, and then reality hits and you find you are not the parent you want to be.

People could say the same about themselves as individuals. You never know how resilient you are or how you will manage difficult times until you're in them. Even if you've been through difficult times you may handle the next period of stress better or it may break you.

I agree.

I knew someone who found out that him and his fiancé couldn’t be together because of a crisis and called off the wedding.

God I can relate! My ex DH is a good person & a great father, we co-parent really well, but we didn't know each other at all. Life broke us. We are solid friends.

By contrast, been with DP 16 years, never married as don't feel the need. We've been tested constantly - ND child, death, menopause- & I'd follow him to the end of the Earth. You do need tested to really see clearly.

I think until one of you dies. So much can come out of the woodwork.

I don’t just think it’s kids I think it’s ND kids .

When my youngest started dating her now partner and she was telling me how great he was (and he actually still is!) I told her not to say that until they'd had a few things go wrong.
Things like - going on holiday where flights are delayed or things are cancelled
Plans having to change at very short notice. Work being difficult. Relations being ill/unwelcoming/awkward. Money being tight.

I think if you have a couple of these situations and get through without major arguments, and you both have the same attitude to problem solving, it's a good sign. Someone who spits the dummy out when things don't go their way, is not.

how do you really know someone is right for you until your relationship is really tested by life

You don't. People don't even know themselves until something happens that changes who they are or who they thought they were.

Me and DH got married at 20 after dating for less than a year. We're almost 50. We have learned a lot about ourselves and each other. I have seen people date for 10 years, trying to be caution and really "get to know the other person" and divorce in 3-5 years.

Interesting thread!

I agree in theory, but those big challenges to test the relationship can't be fabricated, so many relationships will get to the point of having children without having been tested. But I do agree. I remember v clearly being with my partner, we were already committed to one another when a massive challenge happened and it reassured me that he was someone I could rely on.

I agree that you don't really know someone until you/they have been tested, but you can go years without anything significant happening to test your relationship, so what are you supposed to do if that's the case, just wait until someone gets sick or dies or whatever?

I'd say that DH and I (who've been together for over 20 years) have had several things that have tested us over the years - ill health and deaths in the family, miscarriage, extreme job stress and more - but I think you can tell a lot about how a person communicates and how easy it is to talk to them about difficult things and whether that person will 'show up' for you when it matters. You just have to be observant, watch and listen, see how they treat others in their life, and you can tell a lot.

I think you can tell a lot about how a person communicates and how easy it is to talk to them about difficult things and whether that person will 'show up' for you when it matters. You just have to be observant, watch and listen, see how they treat others in their life, and you can tell a lot.

This is true. And all the signs were there but I didn't pay enough attention because life was good.