Justified? Or have I been an arse?

[CantStopBeingAnArse]

Was culling my Instagram follows earlier, then looked at my ‘suggested for you’. Profile of an attractive young woman I didn’t recognise popped up, ‘followed by BF’… looked at profile, she was a young woman (22) with lots of scantily clothed / bikini / inappropriate poses, etc. Followed by my BF and she follows him back. Sent him a screenshot, to which he replies ‘she works in the office’
Now, that may be so, but is it really appropriate that BF follows her account? He’s late 40’s…

My ex husband did this for years, although it was usually women he either didn’t know or only vaguely knew, so slightly different circumstances. Is your husband adding lots of other women or just this one?

I never liked it because I found it disrespectful. There’s also something quite humiliating about people you know seeing your husband, a man in his 40s, following and liking pictures of scantily clad women on Instagram.

Ultimately, all you can do is tell him how you feel about it and see how he responds. I was told by people on here that I was being controlling for having an issue with it, but as it turned out, my husband had been having an affair with one of the women from Instagram!

Obviously that doesn’t mean your husband is doing the same, but looking back, I think it was just one symptom of a much bigger issue with his character and his lack of respect for me.

Hi OP 👋

Shoe on the other foot?
Would he be okay with you following a load of handsome, beefy guys with impressive abs and arms? 💪
He says he would? 🤔

Time to follow Ben (the amateur body builder from accounts) as well as other attractive coworkers and maybe even the local adult rugby/footy teams - because you gotta follow and support local causes for work. 😉
@CantStopBeingAnArse

I’m sorry you went through that, @DogCoparent. I think humiliation is right - it just feels… icky. I don’t think I’m controlling - I just have boundaries around what feels like acceptable behaviour.
He apparently has removed her, but I feel like he should’ve realised it was inappropriate and done it without prompting?

@Littlejellyuk ansolutely! 😁
I don’t think he’d be impressed…
I’ve woken up feeling 50% foolish about it - but the other half of me just finds it so creepy.

Thank DH for deleting the woman and for realising that, once he reached a respectable age, he could come accross as appearing desperate when following a young woman who posts scantilly clad photos of herself.

He was probably just being a nice, non judgey, colleague.

@user1492757084 I think it’s okay to use your judgement and realise that it’s inappropriate to follow a woman less than half your age with a penchant for posing provocatively 🤷🏼‍♀️

He was probably just being a nice, non judgey, colleague

i think you’re the one being too nice and non-judgey here

It really depends on wider context. If your BF uses social media in general and adds his colleagues/acquaintances, it wouldn't raise concerns to me. Same if this is the woman's personal account that is daily life posts and stories, and the scantily clad ones are in context (bikini on holiday, skimpy clothes on nights out), even if she's posing sexily.

If your BF doesn't generally use social media, and/or this is just an account where she posts soft porn for the male gaze then it's inappropriate.

Obviously you can disagree and say you won't accept it in a relationship, but it isn't inherently wrong to follow a young colleague who poses sexily in all contexts.

Why are so many men on IG at all? Social media is a huge waste of time for everyone but a man using it just the height of ick.

Hmm...I dunno.
I don't think you can dictate this sort of thing. Insisting that he unfollow her doesn't stop his eyes or thoughts going wherever they will wander the rest of the time. There are scantily clad women all over social media. What can you realistically do about it?

Does she actually work in his office or was that an excuse?

I’d be mortified to see pictures of scantily clad colleagues.

@PumpkinsForLife some good points raised. I suspect he feels good about having this young scantily clad woman visible on his list of followers - which mostly consists of other men of his age who are generally involved in similar jobs / hobbies (cars & motorsport)

I think @MagpiePi said something interesting “I’d be mortified to see pictures of scantily clad colleagues” - I completely agree! I just find it so weird…

@pictoosh I just feel like there’s a difference between a fleeting thought / glance and actively having on display the fact that you’re following a young woman in not many / any clothes…

@user1492757084 "He was probably just being a nice, non judgey, colleague."

Men don't do "nice" when it comes to half naked women young enough to be their daughters. I'm pretty sure his dick was guiding this warm hearted show of appreciation.

I think this is really no big deal.

@FookFookFook @OneHazelBird thats fine, and good for you

I bet he wouldn’t be following a fellow colleagues knitting Instagram or cat account to support them, must help the colleague he’s following is attractive and scantily clad!

The ick aside,Is he in a supervisory position over this young woman at work?
If the womans instagram is private it could potentially be seen as inappropriate professionally .
Has he interacted with her on instagram,liked the provocative,scantily clad images?

I don't really see what he's done wrong here.

I'm a man in my 40s. I work for a small company with 13 other people. We all get on well and have each other as friends on Instagram. I've got 10 of them as friends on there. I presume the other 3 don't have Instagram. Of those 10, there are men and women of ages between mid 20s to mid 50s. Why is it wrong to have the young women on there, but not the others?

I'd get why you'd get offended if his Instagram was full on scantily clad young women he barely knows, but I can't see the issue with having one particular colleague on there.

I completely agree.

Half of my colleagues (men and women) are posting in their swimwear or gym pics etc literally showing off their bodies as much as they can.

You can’t police what people post and it’s unreasonable to not want to follow each other if that’s what you do with other colleagues.

It’s not about her age. It’s not about her at all, really - she can do what she likes. I just personally don’t that it’s appropriate for someone in a committed relationship to have links to people much younger than themselves who post some pretty suggestive photos (bikini but lay prone so as to look completely nude, shots down an unzipped cleavage, shorts up her butt crack) - these aren’t gym photos!

If my colleagues posted photos of themselves in cycling shorts with their junk thrust up against the camera (trying to think of male equivalencies here!) I would be disgusted - and certainly wouldn’t want other people to think I was engaged with content like that. Plus, I’m not sure I could ever look my colleagues in the eye again!!

I would feel the same OP and it's worse because he knows and works with her. I think it's respectful that he's deleted her.

tbf, I've seen a lot of this type of thing on LinkedIn. It's like everyone has lost their mind and has no idea what decorum is, anymore.

@WhatTheHeckMan Decorum is the perfect word! I was clearly born in the wrong era! 🤣