Girlfriend (19F) says she "doesn't feel the need" for physical affection anymore. How do I approach this? (M19)

[HoLee]

I (19M) have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and I love her a lot. We've had ups and downs, including a two-month break, but we worked through it and came out closer.
We've never had sex (we tried once and it didn't happen), but for most of the relationship we had a healthy level of physical intimacy: kissing, touching, etc. She was pressured into sex by an ex when she was 15 and wasn't ready for it, and she says she hasn't had sex since. Whenever things go further than a certain point, she shuts it down, and I've always respected that without pressure or complaint.
The change is that over the past month we haven't made out once, and we barely hug or cuddle. A few nights ago I brought it up. She agreed she can't remember the last time we kissed and said she "doesn't feel the need" for it. When I asked if she's still physically attracted to me, she said nothing has changed, she just doesn't feel the need.
I've never pressured her and I never will. But the longer this goes on, the more disappointed and drained I feel around her. My mind has started to wander, though I would never cheat.
We go to university in the same city and I stay at her place most nights, so we're together constantly.

Don’t have a deadline, the relationship isn’t working. You just need to break up and move on. It’s not making anyone happy. It’s supposed to be enjoyable.

You guys are no longer compatible. She needs help but it's not your job to fix her. Deadlines are a bad idea in matters of sex due to their coercive nature. Gently finish with her then move on and don't look back.

This, in spades.

ETA: if everyone on Reddit is advising you to split up and everyone on MN is advising you to split up then you’re not going to get the answer you want.

You’re not going to get tips on how to make a woman have sex with you from MN and you just come across as another entitled man who doesn’t respect boundaries.

When sexless marriages are discussed here, people say that a relationship without sex is fine if that’s what both partners want. But if one person still wants physical intimacy, it’s reasonable for them to want to leave the relationship. I’d say the same is true here.

It sounds as though the relationship has been difficult from the start. You could try to continue it just as a friendship, but that may be tricky. But I would end the relationship. I think once you have one where the feelings and the physical attraction are mutual you’ll be wondering how you endured this for so long.

We go to university in the same city and I stay at her place most nights, so we're together constantly

Time to stay at your own place and go back to date nights. You've suffocated the poor girl, give her some freedom to breathe! It may or may not change her opinion but going on dates only is a start.

Relationships at 19 should not be this difficult. You are already incompatible it would be kinder to you both to move on. A deadline just adds unnecessary pressure. It’s time to accept that you want different things and part ways whilst your still friends

You need to end the relationship, this is a very unhealthy situation. You are going to meet a lovely lady in the future and not even think of her again. You come across as a gentleman.

At 19 people break up all the time. This girl does not want sex with you. Can you face that forever?
19? Blimey, life should be fun.

End the relationship. She can't meet your needs.

My first thought was “she’s not that into you” but she wants the better bits of being with you that don’t involve sex.

I think you need to walk away. This is no way for a young couple to live. These young adult years should be a good balance for study and fun. This relationship is too much hard work and analysis.

It’s unfair on you to get aroused and then her pull the plug! You have been remarkable patient. Let this girl go…

Split.
If she doesn't have the need, she doesn't have the need. Full stop. (Whether it's just you or some other reason).

Last edit, we broke up. It hurts but what has you be done had been done. Thanks yall wish you all the best

Well done for drawing a line under it. It sounds like it was the best move for you both. She needs to process her trauma without feeling it is owed to someone else for her to do so. And you need someone who can bring you the affection a relationship should bring. Onwards and upwards.

The main difference between a friend and a girlfriend at this age is physical intimacy tbh. If you haven’t both agreed that you are asexual and want to be asexual romantic partners then this step isn’t working for you and you should go back to actually just being close friends and date elsewhere.

What a drama! Dump and move on. You should be having fun.

Sorry didn’t read the full thread.

It’s for the best. It might feel awful now but it wasn’t the right relationship for you.

To clear some things up. No i never ever ever coerced her into having anything intimate with me. She instigated i instigated thats why i said we had healty intimate relationship. I wanted to stay because ive never had a connection with another human being like i had with her. Also i do believe lack of sex was a problem with me but i still loved her as a human being so please get that straight. Sex wasnt the only problem in our relationship and maybe not even a top 3 problems we had but we loved each other. I came here for advice on this because i didnt know if it was a phase a mental thing or something That i could not help with so please get that straight. I love this girl with all my heart.

@HoLee As someone who was pushed into doing things at a younger age, unfortunately it might be trauma thats causing this reaction. I had some childhood sexual stuff happen when I was in kindergarten, with another kid(now looking back he probably had some stuff happening to him). My parents found out and I was raised on a strict no sexual contact concept from there on out. In my mind, sex was for making babies..that was it..not pleasure. Not enjoyment. Many times I have gone long lengths of time without sex because "I didn't need it."

I lost my virginity when I was 19 and I did not like it. I didn't end up liking sex till I was maybe 23/24 years old, even then it was wishy washy. But even now.. there are moments that I withdraw or there are things I don't like and I stop, because of trauma..and I've had a lot of therapy fixing me. Something probably happened to her and she doesn't realize how its affecting her or she doesnt want to talk about it.

You're 19, a sweet summer child - of course you haven't had this connection...

It shouldn't be hard work at 19, and have at least 4 reasons why it's difficult... So, let her go. Be sad for a bit, move on, find another girl, and go and have lots of fun, lots of sex and lots of love.

You'll both be happier.

The advice you've been given is perfect.

Let her go.

It's just not working between you both.

Well done..

It will be hard and you'll be sad.

But soon enough you'll find another girl and have lots of fun. Go and enjoy your youth 😊😊😊