Girlfriend (19F) says she "doesn't feel the need" for physical affection anymore. How do I approach this? (M19)

[HoLee]

I (19M) have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and I love her a lot. We've had ups and downs, including a two-month break, but we worked through it and came out closer.
We've never had sex (we tried once and it didn't happen), but for most of the relationship we had a healthy level of physical intimacy: kissing, touching, etc. She was pressured into sex by an ex when she was 15 and wasn't ready for it, and she says she hasn't had sex since. Whenever things go further than a certain point, she shuts it down, and I've always respected that without pressure or complaint.
The change is that over the past month we haven't made out once, and we barely hug or cuddle. A few nights ago I brought it up. She agreed she can't remember the last time we kissed and said she "doesn't feel the need" for it. When I asked if she's still physically attracted to me, she said nothing has changed, she just doesn't feel the need.
I've never pressured her and I never will. But the longer this goes on, the more disappointed and drained I feel around her. My mind has started to wander, though I would never cheat.
We go to university in the same city and I stay at her place most nights, so we're together constantly.

Wants to hear the opinion of of women? Very sensible I'd have thought.

Try Reddit.

For heaven’s sake — they’re teenagers, and in a year’s relationship, they’ve had a two-month break and lots of ‘ups and downs’ and haven’t got around to having sex even once! It’s not a lengthy marriage!

Yes this. Your girlfriend may need counselling to help her deal with forced intimacy. This might affect her relationships and life for years to come. You are young and can move on to someone who wants to kiss you and be intimate with you.

You are 19 - go and have fun. Maybe she is asexual, but that is for her. When I was 19 I was having wonderful sex.

This relationship is really unhealthy. You’re 19 and spending all your time together. And the chemistry simply isn’t there for her.

I wouldn’t put a deadline on it, I’d end it. It’s not working.

You are very young. It should be so much easier than that.

I'm wondering- where she sees it going? Can you ask her? If it's trauma related- The poster who said - she would have to instigate her own solution- is right. That's not something you can do for her.

But I don't agree with many people here who have a view sex has to happen between 2 young people who date. It's entirely up to the two young people.
But I do agree if sex is important to you, then it doesn't have to be you she works it through with and you could be waiting an awfully long time.
Think it's a really tricky one. You don't have to take a role of therapist. Do what seems the best thing for you.

It sounds like you aren't compatible.

It's okay for her not to feel the need for intimacy. She shouldn't feel pressured to have intimacy that she doesn't want. However, it is equally okay fir you to want intimacy in your life and for it to be important fir you.

Unfortunately, I think in this case love isht enough. You need to consider if your relationship stays like this for the next year would you want to still be in it? What about the next 5 years?

Ive been with my H for 16 years. The first 2 years were the best. He was o. Hus best behaviour and the honeymoon period was the loved up and passionate bit. People do change but not really on the big things. If she doesnt want to jump your bones now then I dont see that being different.

She could have unresolved truma from her past but only she can decide to get support fir that if its impacting her negativity. It doesnt sound like she is ready to do that at this time.

I would ebdcthe relationship.

You're 19, you're supposed to be having fun with girls. Ditch her and move on.

End the relationship obviously. You're completely incompatible.

You're both 19. You don't need to be finding your one true love. Your brains haven't finished maturing to their final adult configuration yet. She's had a traumatic past and could probably do with being single for a few years whilst having some therapy without having to nurture your emotional wellbeing at the same time. Let each other go, with love. Potentially make an agreement that you'll get in touch when you are both 30 and see whether you are interested in rekindling things then, but be prepared to find that by that time it's not what either of you want.

Did she show an interest in sex in the beginning?

Exactly. If a teenager is traumatised at getting dumped by some bloke who's not even a boyfriend, something's gone very badly wrong with their development.
Teenagers don't need long, analysing chats and explanations, just dump and date one of the other 8+billion people on earth.

Or not.
There's a whole world out there.

Time to move on

Just split up and find someone you're more suited too. Relationships end. It's fine. It's upsetting at the time when you split up but relationships should be fun especially at your age.

You are bring very thoughtful and kind, however you are only 19 and at university. Your life should not be this intense or complicated, but fun and enjoyable. Do not spend too much more time on this relationship. Move on and find someone more compatible.

Hi op you are fare too young to be in this type of relationship you need to be honest with her and say if she’s happy with you but your not happy with the lack of intimacy. it’s never going to work out. She sounds like she needs therapy she was basically raped and needs to heal. Like others have said you will be better off as friends. Yes it might hurt you but believe me the no affection or no sex will hurt even more. Even if you were in your 50s this type of relationship only works if it’s what you both want. You shouldn’t be thinking of affairs at your age at any age really you need to prioritise yourself. She might never want sex again don’t deprive yourself of this connection with someone else.

This is not normal for a pair of teenagers. You're 19 and quite frankly should be having sex if you want. Dump her.

This....

Time has already settled it. Time is begging you to move on already.

She doesn’t need a deadline. She told you NO.

NO is not a boundary you try to push. It’s just a NO.

If one person wants sex and the other one doesn’t, the person who doesn’t want sex is the one that gets their wish.

You don’t guilt, shame, cajole or try to “wait it out”. She has told you there will not be sex in this relationship. From the start it seems so, why don’t you get it?
Why do you think what you want matters more than her NO?

Now is it fair of her to suddenly pull away other forms of affection stating she doesn’t need them anymore…not really, but it is what it is. No is still no.

What she should do, is break up with you. But she hasn’t, so you probably need to be the one to do it. She’s being a wimp and maybe scared of being single as she might not find someone else who seems ok with this level of asexuality.

And by the way, not as a “if you don’t do xyz then I will leave” that is sexual coercion. She has already told you no. Accept the no and end it. And do not take her back if she agrees to change just to keep you. Because again, that would still be sexual coercion because you would be having sex she.doesnt.want.

Clear enough?
”I DONT WANT TO” does not mean “stay around and try and convince me to change my mind”.

For extra clarity,
If you tell a man you don’t want anal sex, and he hangs around just hoping you will change your mind because he wants anal sex, souls that be ok? NO. Because you told him no. It’s not a negotiation.

No physical affection at all? That's not a relationship, that's just a friendship.

Most young folk will want to be enjoying sex.
Either she's not attracted to you or she's not interested in sex per se.

Not working for you, move on.

You leave.

Don't give her a deadline, thats too much pressure. Leave her to work out things in her own time. Part as friends and find someone you are more compatible with.