Can’t understand why DP’s feelings changed

[rockingandrolling23]

I’ve been really struggling for the past year to understand why DP has gone off me.

We’ve been together 8 years. It was instant soulmates at first glance, and we felt really surprised but lucky to find each other. We were both divorced with children and in our 40s, and didn’t really expect to then find the love of our life.

we basically had a wonderful relationship for the next 5 years and managed to live together with our children.

within 2 years of living together everything changed- and DP basically went off me and became a complete and utter arsehole.

it didn’t affect our sex life which was just getting better and better. But it must have happened gradually as I couldn’t understand it, or believe it.

nothing else changed in our circumstances, kids were fine, we had the same jobs.

only thing I can think of is that he has incredibly low self worth, so defaults down to taking it out on me.

he’s in a lot of debt which he point blank refuses to deal with. I broached the subject a couple of times, but it didn’t get us anywhere.

but now our relationship is basically done. I just can’t understand that something I was so sure about could have changed so much.

the last 3 valentines days he’s point blank ignored me. He’s rude and undermines things I try to do. I feel I’ve become a horrible shell. We no longer live together, and after I see him I feel awful for the next day or two, then bounce back to my old self again.

anyway, I know he has turned horrible, I just can’t understand why things change.

I feel the hope of how amazing it was at the beginning has kept me clinging on pointlessly.

Why are you making excuses for him, surely the sex isn't that good?

This happened with me and my ex husband. Its absolutely traumatising a fantastic relarionship turning to dust. I felt he made no effort in the long run. If a relationship works you both have to make a lot of effort. It was all me making the effort and I just got sick of it. Its such a shame OP.

Maybe this is the real him. Instant soulmates sounds like future faking to me.

Does it matter why? He’s choosing to be like this, but you don’t have to choose to keep seeing him.

Um why are you still in a relationship with him, I mean fine for 6 months but 3 years??

It's a good question, why do people change over time...i guess there are so many reasons why and without knowing the in's and out's of someones relationship it would be hard to guess, maybe his debt is making him stressed and he's taking it out on you, maybe somewhere along the line he's strayed, maybe he was just born an asshole but masked it well at the beginning...difficult question to answer really.

Are you just basically going to see him and shagging him? Even though he has no respect for you and treats you so badly?

He hasn't changed OP. Not really. He's just reverted to being his true self, and it's likely that the man you were in love with was only fictional, a person he'd made up.

and after I see him I feel awful for the next day or two, then bounce back to my old self again

Your partner should be your solace (at least most of the time), not someone who you feel worse around after you've spent time with him. It sounds to me like he would secretly like you to leave him, but he doesn't want to be the person that does it, the man who leaves.

So 5 years great, 3 years he’s treated you like shit. But you’re clinging onto those good 5 years for what? He is clearly a coward who just can’t take the step of actually ending it, but your relationship is dead. Look at what you’ve said about debts, he can’t face addressing them. You’re one of his debts, he’s just hoping if you treats you badly enough and he buries his head in the sand, you’ll go away. Sorry to be harsh but this is the reality of what this man is doing to you. You need to want better for yourself and for your kids. Every adult I know copies their parents dysfunctional relationships to some extent. Break this cycle for your own kids.

op the thing you need to examine isn’t his behaviour but that you are still tolerating being coupled with a human who behaves as if he despises you? Where is your self worth?

how slowly did it develop? The only time I seem to hear people use the phrase ‘love of my life’ is when they’re using it to justify being mistreated, by love of their life. Is this the relationship you’ve always wanted?

Sometimes people's feelings just change. There's not necessarily one reason. People change, or get bored, or they realise that living with someone isn't what they thought it would be, or any number of other things. I realise you felt you were soulmates when you met... but so most couples, really, and yet a huge number of marriages/live-in relationships still end in divorce/separation. Because feelings can and do change.

It doesn't, in all honesty, matter why his feelings have changed. The fact is, he's been vile to you for three years and he's not suddenly going to start loving you again, so get out now. You deserve better than a man who treats you like shit. It's astonising to me that you've been putting up with this behaviour for THREE YEARS. You must realise you'd be happier without him at this point?!

Please don't waste any more of your precious time with this horrible man. He has no respect for you, he's treating you with contempt, and your dc must realise that the relationship is not a good one. You certainly don't want them growing up believing that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

You don't live together and presumably aren't financially linked, so ending it should be very straightforward. Do it now, so it doesn't all drag on through the Christmas period.

People drive themselves crazy trying to understand things. He's an arsehole, simple as that. No need to tie yourself up in knots looking for some explanation. Move on.

This is going to sound like a wacky, crazy idea but why don't you ask him why he's changed? (Although he might think it's you that has changed).

Do you mean you still go to his place and have sex?

It really isn’t unusual for people’s feelings to change. Have you never gone off someone?

ghost him and move on!!

Can’t understand why DP’s feelings changed
Don't analyse why he is different because you will never know. Save your sanity and accept that he has changed.

the last 3 valentines days he’s point blank ignored me. He’s rude and undermines things I try to do. I feel I’ve become a horrible shell. We no longer live together, and after I see him I feel awful for the next day or two, then bounce back to my old self again.
Analyse yourself though. Why are you punishing yourself by staying with an abusive man? What has happened in your life where you think you are worthless and deserve to be emotionally and mentally beaten? Would you keep returning if he physically punched you in the face every time?

Arguably, your self-worth also isn’t that great because he sounds like an absolute tool. Yet you’re still with him. Just end it.

Op did this start as an affair? Do you feel like you need to suffer? You don’t. You can end this now, be single and work on loving yourself deeply in a way where you will never be coupled to a human who does not care about you.

sometimes you just never get to the bottom of it.

no point in trying.

dump and move on. you dont need him. you cannot change him. accept it.

Thanks for your replies. I suppose part of me trying to understand the reason why is so I can change it possibly. And get him to love me again.

I’m actually horrified at how much poor treatment I put up with, which is part of the reason I wanted to post on here.

my ex husband also treated me badly to some extent, and I did love him in the beginning. But I had absolutely no problem leaving him when I believed he didn’t treat me well.

with DP I’ve just never doubted for a second that we were the’one’ and would be together for ever.

he absolutely wouldn’t care less if he never saw me again. It’s been me trying to keep it going. And it’s been upsetting my dc because they see how much I change once I’ve been with him. I’m really depressed for a day or two.

I think having been divorced and faced hardship, I really wanted to be in a cosy couple. But he’s not giving me that.

I just feel I’ve ended everything and made life harder for myself each time. I ended my marriage and really struggled as a single mum. And regretted that quite a lot.

I ended me and DP living together as a blended family and felt really lonely and completely regretted that too.

now if I end it with him I’m going to be spending loads of time alone and no one to go to things with.

I know I can go out and make friends etc, but my single friends do find life really difficult, and sometimes there is a benefit to a partner. Although our relationship has deteriorated so far I don’t feel I can count on him at all.

i, and many of my friends, live the single life now and i am happier than if i had some ignorant prick living here upsetting the equilibrium.

yes sometimes it’s inconvenient not having someone to go out with or lift up one end of something heavy to move it or knowing how to put up a shelf. But i get by.

I’ve learned new skills and i have a pal who is good at this stuff. i can afford to pay for a professional now and then if i save as i need them to wire in a light fitting or something (still saving for that now while i see what i like).

He doesn’t love you. He love bombed you. Said what you wanted to hear. This is the real him. If he wants to have sex with you i would suggest it’s because he’s using you for his own needs sorry. he may actually be dating someone else.

Dump and move on. I wouldn’t rush into another relationship right away. however the longer youre tied to this prick the longer youll have to not be with a nice guy that does love you. so dump him, be yourself for a while, then start thinking about what you want from life.

He sounds depressed. Have you tried talking to him? Have you tried a weekly date night and Saturday/Sunday afternoon walk where you talk to each other and reconnect?
(At a superficial level, have you changed anything about your appearance eg cut your hair short or put on weight? This type of thing seems to upset men way more than we’d imagine.)

Piss poor counsel along with victim blaming from Minasama. Ignore such nonsense op.

OP

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous poor treatment in a relationship, have been further eroded by this man now. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You surely would not want them to be in a relationship like this and it’s likely you actually went from one abuser to yet another ( a not uncommon scenario).

Single does not necessarily mean always being lonely. There is no benefit to you or your kids for continuing to see someone like him. You are lonely now when you are with him. This is who he is and trying to change someone else’s behavior is also impossible. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and start to heal that way too.

Learn to like yourself OP. Learn to forgive yourself. Learn independence. Look to nature and crafting/hobbies and spending time looking after your children to fill that hole inside you.

Once that hole is filled/filling you can look towards friends to help make life more fun, more social, but you need to be healing first otherwise it will still seem empty.

Then, and only then, should you consider dating. If you try to fill that hole inside you with a man there's a very high chance an abusive and cruel man will find it first. Do The Freedom Programme.