Ex sabotaging our house sale and I don’t know what else to do

[Salenightmare]

I ended my relationship in May. It’s complicated, we have a child, and things aren’t amicable. We’ve each been staying one week on one week off at the house to help keep things normal for our child.

The house has been on the market for a month, my ex is struggling with the fact the relationship has ended and it needs to be sold.

On the weeks he is in the house he has made things difficult for the estate agent and made no effort to get the house in a nice state for viewings. So I have been trying to schedule them for the weeks when I am living there.

We had a second viewing yesterday, the couple were apparently really keen and wanted to bring one of their parents along. Annoyingly, it’s my ex’s week at the house - I told him how important it was for it to be tidy. So he suggested I went around on Tuesday evening to help, which I did.

I am the main contact for the estate agent. Yesterday afternoon, I got a call to say that the viewers won’t be proceeding and that the house was not in a suitable state for the viewing yesterday.

Basically, my ex had deliberately used one of the loos and not flushed this. He admitted this to me last night. He said he can’t cope with the thought of the house selling and us not being together and says we have to try again.

I am so angry and don’t know what to do. I feel like the house is never going to sell whilst he’s there. I guess I’m looking for a handhold and any constructive suggestions.

Is the house in joint names?
If so can you afford to buy him out or is it a case of selling up and paying off the mortgage?
If you need to sell he's going to have to be more receptive to helping sell it.
If not can he buy you out?

@Salenightmare also big hugs its a horrible situation

It is joint, it’s not feasible for either of us to take it on individually unfortunately. We have looked into that and it’s a non starter financially.

I think all you can do is be strict about viewings only taking place on your time. Ditto moving day.

If he won't be reasonable you will need to go to court- get your solicitor to write him a letter setting out what he has been doing, asking him to maintain the house in a reasonable state allow viewings and expressing that you do not want to go to court but that if the situation not improve you will be forced to do so and that if you are so forced you will be seeking a costs order against him

It's been 5 months since separation and your ex still isn't accepting that the relationship is over.
Even if you only do the viewings on 'your' weeks , you need your ex to be on board with selling the house. It sounds like he isn't and you're never going to get to the stage of completion when he's behaving as he is.
I think you should start proceedings to force the house sale through court.

I would take legal advice if you can afford to. I bought a house that was being sold as part of a court ordered divorce settlement. The man still in the property was very unwilling to sell. God knows what they had been dealing with but we were the first people who managed to even get in to view in 10 months.

It was absolutely foul, but that is a whole other thread.

The sale was a nightmare, and in the end, our solicitor threatened to take the matter back to court on the basis of 'obstruction'. Luckily it didn't come to this and we soon exchanged thereafter, but there are things that can be done.

Tell him that if this behaviour continues you will have to take legal advice and the gloves will be off. This might involve you taking sole occupancy until an offer is in.

Meanwhile, get the agent to book viewings during your weeks.

Viewers can often see beyond dirt and mess but they don’t want to risk delays due to relationship problems between the vendors, and they worry about the possibility of a sulky manchild being on the sofa on moving day, refusing to budge. So you need to find a way of getting it sold when he’s not present if you want to keep it amicable. The estate agent will have come across this problem before I’m sure. It’s not rare.

I would get legal advice on you having sole occupancy.

If I was interested in buying a house, a shit in a toilet on my third viewing would not have put me off.

I agree to keep viewings only to your weeks and be very firm with the estate agent on that.

I don't think your buyer was truly inested as, if they were, an unflushed poo would not have put them off.
As others have said, arrange all viewings only for your weeks, including second viewings. It's all you can do at this point until your ex actually twigs that it's all over.

As a buyer the loo might not put you off but the attitude of one of the vendors certainly would !

You will just have to be very firm with estate agents that viewings are on your week and it's non-negotiable. You've given him a chance to be a grown up and he's blown it. So treat him like the child he is and don't trust him an inch.

Well you were daft to allow the viewing to go ahead without you there. You know he's reluctant to sell and has been being difficult around viewings, yet you didn't take better care to keep control of this?

I can't believe (I mean I REALLY can't believe) they'd pull out after a second viewing simply because it was untidy and there was an unflushed loo. If they liked it enough to take their parents along, they were already emotionally invested and wanted it.

How much damage can one man do in a few days simply by being untidy?

Exactly this! Unflushed toilet or a bit of a mess wouldn't be a deal-breaker but a messy divorce and one partner not wanting to sell absolutely would be.

'I don't know what else to do'

'my ex is struggling...' (or you could replace with 'here's where I am struggling' or 'this is what I am struggling with.'

It's truly amazing how often these two phrases pop up repeatedly on threads these days.

I feel for you, I have been in the same situation, well actually I had moved out, but the ExH refused to clean up for viewings. I had to always go and clean the place up, and even had to maintain the garden.

I remember having to pick up his girlfriends used knickers off the floor, and I also found photo's on the family camera of her giving him a blowjob. I remember being on my hands and knees pulling up weeds, in a full on thunder and lightening storm, and him screaming at me to leave because he and his girlfiend found me being there cumbersome!

That house took 3 years to sell, and when the offer came in, he simply turned them away and bought me out. He had just never bothered to buy me out before, because I was paying half the mortgage and doing all their housework and gardening.

Seems so outrageous now, when I think about it. This was 15 years ago now, and thank goodness, I have a lovely DH now and have moved away.

I think you'll have to restrict viewings to when you are there Op. Good luck This too shall pass.

He admitted this to me last night.

In a text message? If so, show it to a solicitor.

Exactly. It’s not exactly nice but not enough to put me off a house I loved

Well, that’s just disgusting on his part. Force the sale through court, I couldn’t be arsed playing games.

The toilet and the mess may not put me off, but delays and the inevitable collapse of the purchase would. Don’t both of you need to sign the paperwork to sell? This could go on for years. A house in our road was on the market for 8 years because the ex husband dragged his feet about selling - at least 3 sales fell through. That’s the issue, not the toilet.

This happened to my friend. He managed to buy the house eventually but on the moving day they realised that the woman was still there, crying over her marriage, and there were still some of her possessions in the house. My friend had to pack them up for her

I agree, viewing is just the beginning. He will need to fill out a lot of forms and sign documents in the app used by the solicitors. My guess is he will just ignore them and the sale will fall through. I'd say you need to be very blunt that the relationship is over, let him grieve it and then put the house back on the market

Ours wasn't hysterical, and he had left, but the state of the place was horrendous. I was as close to having a panic attack the day I got those keys as I ever have been.

The kitchen was pure filth, all the carpets needed to go straight to the tip, and the bathroom had to be ripped back to brick for reasons I cannot to this day bring myself to subject the internet to. We had only ever had 1 viewing and were very limited on what we could afford, so took it.

But it was relatively cheap, and years on with major renovations it's fab, and I definitely couldn't afford to buy it now. But f*ck me, it was awful...

Okay I’m really intrigued about the bathroom now…