How do men forget you so easily?

[Tinkerbell98]

How do men say they love you and can’t live without you one day then agree to break up and go no contact the next so easily? Surely if you love someone and were with them for years how can you suddenly go from that to being fine not speaking to them again? How do they stop themselves from calling you? I don’t get how they can shift emotions that fast and manage to control themselves that easily? If anyone knows how they do they please share. Also if anyone has any tips on how to maintain no contact please share too. It’s so hard I don’t know how men manage and forget you like you never existed

Agree with this. Also, they compartmentalise.

“MidnightMeltdown · Today 00:32
Research shows that men actually take longer to get over a breakup than women. Women feel the emotions more intensely, but it means that they fully process it and recover more quickly than men.”

I think there’s a lot in this. I think men love just as deeply as women and i have seen men remain interested for a long time when feelings weren’t reciprocated and take a long time to get over heartbreak. I’ve seen plenty of male friends suffer romantic disappointment just the same as female friends have. I don’t think there’s really any difference between men and women and their feelings when there has been love and a relationship ends. There may be a difference how they handle it.

But @Tinkerbell98 - what circumstances led to this? Who ended the relationship? He’s allowed to do what he needs to get over it.

Also just because he’s sticking to non-contact doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting him. My first love finished with me after nearly 3 years. It was very painful for me. After a couple of weeks, he rang asking if we could meet up because it was hard not seeing me. I said no because it was much easier for me not seeing him and not being in contact at that time. Still hurt a hell of a lot. This was last century. Social media wasn’t a thing so it was easier to avoid contact. But it didn’t mean i didn’t care.

It's not a men-do-x/women-do-y situation. Some people will keep in touch (because they care about you, or because they feel guilty, or because they're lonely, etc), and some people will cut off all contact and literally never speak to you again (because they don't care about you, or because they feel guilty, or because that they've read it's healthy, etc).

I've always preferred to keep in touch with people I care about, because it feels unnatural not to, but not everyone is like that.

If a relationship ends and they go no contact, all you can do is move on.

Just because they don’t vocalize it doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling those emotions. Men learn to hide their feelings from a very early age / an early adapation as they wouldn’t have survived if they had shown weakness.
I recently met up with someone I split with 2 years ago -his decision and at a time when we were at our closest /in fact he ghosted me.

There was no/one else involved and he hasn’t had a girlfriend since. He was hugely stressed having lost his job and had huge problems with his teen kids and ex /wife and just didn’t feel he had the energy or time for a relationship.
He spent the whole evening recalling every small detail and lovely joke etc of our relationship. We are part of the same social circle so see each other occasionally in groups and you would think we are polite strangers and that he hasn’t give me a single thought in those 2 years. But when we were alone he clearly had been thinking of me all the time but as I have another boyfriend he is definitely not going to reveal that publicly.
He understands we won’t get back together and does find it difficult seeing me with my partner and said he does avoid some events if he thinks we will be both there and comes to those he thinks my I will be there and boyfriend won’t be.
I think he found it a relief to pour it out to me but it had to come from him. Would have been pointless trying to auiz him about it at the time of the breakup s he needed time to process his feelings and understand them.

I've done that and I'm a woman. I've not forgotten them. I made a decision to move on with my life. Why drag it out with emotional conversations? When it's done it is done. No contact means full closure, quicker healing and less pain.

In my experience, plenty of men won’t bloody leave you alone after you split up!

This is because they are the type who are emotionally intelligent and mature and enjoy being in a loving relationship. It doesn’t mean they have forgotten their late wife or don’t care. I am in a relationship with a widower so was devoted to his late wife and completely faithful to her . The only peoole he has ever had sex with are her and now me. He is very loving and we have a fantastic relationship. He wears good wedding ring and jewelry she have him and his phone screen is still a pic of her. But he doesn’t wallow or pine / talks about her naturally in context. Of course he will always grieve her and miss her but why would he choose to be lonely when he can be with someone and enjoy life?
He is not a callous person who doesn’t care /he is grateful to have another chance to love.

And it isn’t as a cynical previous poster said /he has a much bigger house than mine, does lot more housework and does all the cooking when we are together. 😃

This sounds like either you dumped him or at the very least gave him "The it isn't you it's me" speech.
If that's the case all he's done is take you at your word.
Unless you're 15 no one believes all that "We'll still always be friends" stuff and if he was in love with you the last thing he'll want to do is stay in touch and have casual small talk with the woman who he loved and left him.
He's not flipped his emotions, he's trying to cope without you and probably running a million things through his head about what went wrong after investing years of their love, time, emotions and energy into what he must have thought was a working relationship.
So it's hardly surprising he would prefer to be no contact than have you dip in and out of his life "just for a chat" whenever you feel like it.

I've done that and I'm a woman. I've not forgotten them. I made a decision to move on with my life

Same. For me, they're exes for a reason.

Jesus Christ

His phone screen is her
He wears her ring and watch
Hes using you for sex!
Wake up !

Just willpower or self-preservstion I think. Put feelings and memories in a box, put it in deep storage.

Ive only ever managed it once, because I really needed to cut off all feelings, but otherwise would tend to ruminate unfortunately.

I think the way boys/men are brought up has something to do with it. They are often taught to push their emotions aside, not to be dramatic, not to show if they are upset etc. It's more OK for women still to show all emotions. I don't know that it means that men don't feel anything or the same as women, they are just used to not being encouraged to express it so they internalise and become indifferent.

Why would I want to express some upset or emotion to someone I've told it's finished with..As I woman I wouldn't wish to talk to someone I've finished with right away again. Done it, once decision made to move on that starts the process

Wow. You could not have missed the point more spectacularly. Most of us can only aspire to the level of emotional honesty entailed in the situation @LaDeratiseuse describes. And even if it were all about the sex (which it clearly isn’t) what makes you think anyone is being “used”? I feel sorry for your worldview.

I kind of agree with @Mycatsfeetsmell. He clearly still loves his wife and would be with her if he could. It sounds like he's just happy that he's got a bit of company now that she's gone. Nothing wrong with that!

He will never have the same depth of relationship with anyone else that he had with his late wife. But that’s no reflection on the strength of his relationship with @LaDeratiseuse. And she is secure enough in herself to understand and accept this. How @Mycatsfeetsmell jumps from this to “he’s just using you for sex” is what I pity.

I don't think just men do this OP because I've certainly behaved like that in the past on more than 1 occasion.

Then I've reconnected just for the sex and been off again which doesn't always go down well with ex boyfriends despite everyone on MN thinking men are only after sex.

IME men and women aren't that different but we're socialised to present our actions differently. There are extremes at both ends but most people are capable of the same good and bad behaviour in a relationship.

I don’t think they necessarily do change feelings in a day. A lot of the time men and women stay in relationships for longer than they should for all sorts of reasons. They know that the feelings are fading but they might want to try and make it work hence the I love yous.
I read once that women who are the ones to suggest divorce have probably been thinking about it for 2 years at least but to there husbands it may come across as .. What, we were fine last week!

Byron assured us -
“Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, tis woman’s whole existence”
then continues to describe how and why (Don Juan)

trying to make sense of how and why, I was recommended a book called
Brainsex, by Anne Moir and David Jessel, describing how we are wired
differently, enlightening.
Men- they are not like us.
Also the film The Break Up, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, in
the last scene when they unexpectedly meet on the street, shows how
despite them obviously pleased to see each other, time and distance has
healed them both, poignant and affecting, even for an old cynic like me.

Of course if you REALLY want to torture yourself you could play the sublime
Andy Williams’s “Can’t get used to Losing You” on repeat.

What makes you think they're flipping a switch?

The guy who sits next to me in work got dumped last month. 13 year relationship over, she's moved out, luckily no kids together.

He's been really struggling, he's not sleeping, he's not been eating, he mentioned this morning that he'd had to make a new hole in his belt.

But he's also been trying to get on with his life. He's had a couple of dates, been out with friends a lot. If his ex bumped into him, she'd probably think he's doing quite well. New wardrobe, looking fitter, out and about all the time. Always busy. But it's not because he's loving life, its because he can't face sitting alone at home.

I agree…and honestly I’m the same. Once it’s over, it’s over, I’m not chasing someone who doesn’t want me in their life 🤷‍♀️

OP says ‘how can men ‘agree’ to breaking up…’ which reads to me like she’s instigated it, but is now surprised that he’s ok about it. That’s a little arrogant to me.

Er no… as it happens I am not so insecure as to feel jealous of someone who is no longer alive. He is a wonderful person, very generous and have lots of fun. Some of us don’t consider sex something we endure, but an important part of a healthy and happy relationship.
(Sorry OP this is off topic, just replying to a ridiculous post 😃)

Im a man, and I wanted to give you some perspective from a mans side. Its not easy at all and whilst everyone is different, going no contact after a breakup is all about setting boundaries.

Having been dumped by someone I loved deeply, then going no contact - its incredibly hard, and neccessary to move on. Staying connected as "friends" only delays the actual moving on part, seeing each other on social media and the potential for seeing one of you with someone else is just a way of giving yourself emotional whiplash.

If I saw my ex on social media with someone else, and I still had feelings, it would be extremely painful.

Men aren't some cold, heartless machine that moves on and forgets - I can guarantee it will be painful, even if he doesnt show it. And in my opinion, chasing is a fools game and doesnt work. If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you, if they dont, best to cut ties, and actually move forward with your own life.

It sounds harsh, but its the only way to stop yourself from being hurt over and over - we are all only human.

I don't get it either OP. 11 years with my ex, newborn baby and boom, he decided he didn't want to be with me and immediately moved on, 4 weeks later, with the first person he met off OLD. No it wasn't an affair. 6 months later, she's pregnant and they are this happy family. Men seem to be able to just move on, forget and start over, while women are left picking up the pieces.