Husband applied for a job as a train driver without telling me.

[MuffWat]

Husband applied for a job as a train driver without telling me....
I'm a bit confused, is it normal for people to apply for a radically different career without discussing with their spouses??! He's currently found an office job. I don't think he got the train job as it's been 8 weeks since the application and he hasn't heard anything, and has just decided to tell me now.

No one’s said nurses shouldn’t be paid more?

They deserve every penny as well. As do paramedics, police, fire, and anyone else who has to deal with work related trauma.

Train driver salary is the same as a band 7 or 8 nurse
nurse makes a mistake kills one patient
train driver make a mistake kills hundreds
your comparing apples and oranges

I have always wanted to drive a steam train. I think that would be fun.

I applied as a train driver without mentioning it, it's such a hard thing to actually get that I figured what the hell and decided to wait and see what happened before I entered the conversation about all the ifs and buts.

I’ve applied for jobs and even had job interviews without telling my husband! And then told him when I got the job… it’s almost a superstitious thing for me. If it doesn’t go the way I hope, the disappointment is lessened somehow.

A few years back Scot Rail were particularly looking for women drivers.

I think it’s weird to not mention something like that to your husband or wife.

You sound controlling. Do you think the job is beneath him?

Hi op he should have discussed the job with you if it affects you and dc. It might be well paid but we all know trains get delayed and depending on the rail network he applied to could have consequences on family life. I think you should discuss it now in case it ever comes up again or they are still processing applications. Mention if he looks for other jobs to discuss in future for the sake of family dynamics.

I can’t stand telling people when I apply for jobs cause I hate the asking about it every 5 minutes stressing me out and I hate telling them I never got it

I understand why someone might decide to keep job applications quiet until there's something to actually tell. I've done it myself, I don't like the pressure of other people being invested in what might turn out to be disappointing.

Hasn’t heard back from them yet?
Sounds like the train has left the station…

Lazy comparison.

The starting salary for a qualified nurse is far lower than for a qualified train driver. Median salaries for qualified train drivers are far higher than for qualified nurses according to ONS (£76k compared to £42k). Top nursing pay bands are not typical of a nursing career. Train drivers do have a safety critical role but fatal train incidents are very rare. Nurses usually deal with death day in, day out. That’s feminised and masculinised professions for you.

Sorry OP. I would 100% expect my DH to have mentioned this. I’m surprised at all the PPs who disagree.

I wouldn't like the secrecy. It's also a job that is quite high stress and has shifts, which if he doesn't normally do might be quite disruptive for your life and if want to have discussed it before had, even though I'd be supportive. I can understand why you are a bit miffed.

I think it's quite common to keep quiet about job applications, especially ones that feel out of reach. People knowing and asking about it can lead to extra pressure. If no one knows it feels like just giving it a go but not having any expectations so you won't be disappointed, it changes when someone knows you've applied.

I'd be annoyed at the lack of discussion.

As for the train driver job. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be one I suppose.

That said. There is an absolutely massive waiting list for training even when they advertise new jobs. My brother is a station supervisor and wants to move into driving the trains and he's been waiting well over 5 years to start his training.

Of course it’s normal.

You don’t tell each other everything and this is one of those things that don’t affect you.

If he gets through to the next stage and is still interested, then I assume he would then tell you.

Train driving is one of those things where most people apply and don’t get any further - so what’s the point in discussing it at this early stage.

Yes exactly!!

ACCEPTING a job without telling your OH is wrong but applying for jobs without telling anyone and even interviewing is pretty normal.

What’s the point in discussing something that might not ever happen.

He probably thought it would put more pressure on him if he told you and that it was a long shot.

I’m definitely guilty of this, I just take advantage of the moments of confidence and go with it because they can be hard to come by 😂 I struggle with the pressure of other people knowing I’m applying for jobs/interviewing thanks to anxiety so I tell minimal people if anyone. Sometimes I tell my long suffering partner, sometimes I don’t.

It’s incredibly tough to get in, a tough training course to pass, and of course there’s always the risk of encountering people on the track who should not be there, as well as being responsible for the safety of a thousand people at once, but it’s incredibly well paid with perks for himself and for you like reduced price railway tickets. He could theoretically, once getting his train operator licence, work anywhere in the UK and possibly Europe too. (I work in the industry). The shift work does affect relationships though, and that’s something you and your DH will have to discuss. Other than that, I think it’s a brilliant move and I wish him good luck.

The application to become a train driver goes on forever..... my dh applied a few years ago, he got through the initial stages, this took 18 months, they then let everyone still in the process go due to ongoing driver strikes! Also, if you do get through the process you end up in a talent bank from which you get chosen to train so even after you are through the process you still have to wait! My dh has applied again, this means we can't book holidays, just in case........

that's certainly a pivot,

he'll need excellent colour vision and good vision, ideally without glasses, but corrected is fine to a point... and the money is decent (>£60k)once you get to working for someone like GB Railfreight or one of the TOCs running the fast services on the high speed lines

If he passes, he most likely will start training and route-learning on more local services to begin - i.e. Northern Rail, South Western Railway, which won't involve the overnights, but early starts/late finishes if he gets put on the first local services out at 5.00am and getting to the the depot / departure station up to 30mins beforehand. After a few years, a chance to move up to the routes mentioned above.

Source: Uncle was a train driver for most of his life

What secrecy? He's told you. He applied for a job, it's not like he actually changed careers without telling you.

I think it's weird that he didn't even mention it in passing at some point in the last two months. Obviously he didn't need to ask permission but 'I'm thinking of applying for a new job' would be a perfectly normal thing to mention to the person you're sharing your life with.